starting all over again...

it's been 5 months since i've written and updated my blog, but i'm back now and i have a lot (and i mean a lot) to talk about. first off, the reason(s) i haven't written in these past 5 months was...i honestly didn't know what to talk about. i was also being a bit lazy and enjoying the bit of good fortune that came my way. i realized before i began typing this blog was that it actually was helping me to get all of this (frustrations, unanswered questions, etc.) out. it was taking my mind off my troubles and gave me something to actually look forward to every week i updated my blog. i updated my blog every saturday when i was at work, because it was a good way of killing time on my shift and it made the day go by a little faster. well, i don't work on saturdays anymore and thus my updates suffered because i was enjoying finally having saturdays off after working them consistently for the past 7 years...can you blame me? anyway, where do I begin—let’s start at the beginning.

the beginning of this year started off way different that the previous ones before it. i was now 40lbs lighter (lost an additional 4lbs to the original 36lbs already lost), and my $50,000 student loan was no longer an issue because it was gone...still smiling about that one. next, my income tax refund check came and i was able to pay the outstanding bill balances on a few bills, get a cell-phone, by some new desperately needed jeans, and get a new television. after all of that was finished, i still had enough left over for groceries and to put the remainder in my checking and savings account. this may sound kind of odd to a few people, but i know i'm doing well when the cable and phone/internet is on, and there's food in the fridge. then i get the call from a woman i work with asking me if i was available and would be interested in working BET’s Rip The Runway 2010 with her. you know i said yes in a new york minute. the whole process took place after the fall/winter 2010 show season here in the city. i participated in the full production of the show...from beginning to the end, and i loved every minute of it. the only downer was that it happened during a snow storm--really a friggin' blizzard. i didn't mind one bit, because i was on a paid vacation and i won $100 from a scratch-off that i managed to hold onto through-out that week...that was amazing in itself. i met some very nice people and was a little loud in the process, but in the end i did a good job and didn't want it to come to an end. after all was said and done, the show when it aired was fabulous. it's just like working backstage at the fashion shows, when you see the show on television it's really smooth and everything's perfect on the outside, but you know what's really going on behind the scenes. if you couldn't tell, i had a really good time being a part of the production.

going into march was still good--i was still soaring high on the success from the previous months and enjoying my brand new 40-inch lcd television i purchased on sale...can you believe i went 5 months without a television? i actually did, because my last one just died on me in september. i had that set for almost 10 years, and i loved it as much as anyone could love a television. the funny thing about getting my television was that i had to wait for it, because the store ran out of them. they ordered more and all was right with the world...i won't go into the story about how i got it home…let’s just say i was very determined. then the truly unexpected happened to me…i got a job interview for an assistant position at Vogue magazine. i had been assisting a lady on photo shoots who works at Donna Karan, and she had mentioned to me that one of the top fashion editors at Vogue was looking for a new assistant, and she thought i would be perfect for the job. if it is at all even possible to say, i got excited and really scared at the same time. excited because she thought i was good enough to work at the magazine, and scared because i didn’t think i would be right for the job. not because i couldn’t handle the position, but because i didn’t look the part. i’m not the size i want to be, and i don’t have that good of a wardrobe selection, and there were some things i didn’t know what to do should i be asked to do them. looking back on it now as i’m writing this, the things i was let bother me were very trivial to say the least. right then and there whether i knew it or not…i got in my own way, and i blocked the blessing. needless to say i didn’t get the position—they didn’t even bother to call me or send me an email. all was still right with the world, but going into april—that’s when everything started to really change.

i can’t remember exactly, but the end of march early april i got some bad news from the payroll department at my job. two marshal’s office had contacted them wanting to put garnishments on my check. the news wasn’t all that bad; because they managed to talk them down to accepting $20 a week until the debt had been settled. like i’ve stated before in my previous blogs…money has always been a very serious issue with me, as it has been for a lot of people in this world. then, now fully into april i get my phone bill. now, i’ve managed to keep some money saved up in the bank thanks to my income tax refund, and i still had some in my checking account as well. when i opened up that envelope and saw the amount my phone bill was…i almost fell out. i immediately got on the phone and wanted an explanation as to why my bill was so high…again! It seems that my service was not fully restored like I thought it was. On the plan/package I had, it allowed me unlimited local, long distance, regional calls, and internet (dsl). They bundled the package all together and called it the Freedom Essentials package. Here’s where it gets very shady and under handed. For about 8 or 9 months my monthly phone bill has been $100 plus, and I have been struggling to pay it. With the package being what it was, it came to about $75 to $80 a month…okay, but now add on the $36 reconnect fee they charge when they restore your service—I was like okay. However, my bill stayed high even though I actually paid it off. What I was finally made aware of after so many months was that they partially restored my service…exactly. Since I was only making partial payments, they decided to partially restore my service and not mention it to me at all. This had been going on for about 8 to 9 months. When I asked why I was not told about this, the only thing the operator could say to me was “you should’ve read your bill”. This was why my bill was so high. everything in the package remained unlimited except the long distance…and they killed me on it so badly. My service had been disrupted yet again, and the bill was over $400. I took $100 out my checking and the $200 out of my savings to have the phone turned back on. I knew it would be a matter of time before the service was interrupted again, because of the remaining balance—then the reconnect fee, and the new charges that were yet to be added on. In one fell swoop all the money I had in my checking and savings was all gone. I didn’t mention to you that the cable bill still needed to be paid, and the new cell-phone I just purchased…that bill needed to be paid too. I don’t know how I did it, but I was right back where I started from 5 months prior…broke and needing to pay the bills.

May picked up where april left off…still broke, hungry, and now starting to become the person I was working so hard to leave behind. We were told at the job that we were getting a new insurance provider and we had to pick a plan that would best suit us and our needs. This meant more money was coming out of an already small paycheck. The two garnishments and now even more out to pay for the insurance…I was really feeling it, like I wasn’t really feeling it before. I would talk on the phone to my friends at night on the phone, and they would give me as much encouragement as they could. Throughout all the talks I was having, I was just so baffled. How did I end up back in the same spot yet again? I was so dumbfounded…I don’t even know what else to say about it. I don’t know if I’m saying it right, but life now feels like I’m going through the motions. I get up everyday, get dressed, go to work, and come home to do it all over again the next day. Within a 4 month time span I had gotten so tired again, and I kept praying for a divine intervention. In difficult times you always hear people say that “you shouldn’t give up, keep trying, and it’ll all work out in the end…” will it? When I started this blog, I was down and deeply depressed about my life or lack there of. I just don’t understand how I could work so hard the majority of my life and endured all I had to endure—just to get to this constant state of struggle. A co-worker of mine told me that God was preparing me for something great, and that through out this entire struggle I still have to remember how blessed I am. Here’s where the cancer in me comes into play. My brain understands what he was saying to me, but my heart is still longing for the fruits of my labor. June was coming and with it my 33rd birthday.

I’m a jovial spirit, and you can ask anyone that knows me if that’s true. I love to laugh and have a nice time. Unfortunately, those moments were starting to become few and far between once again. now we come to the month of June, and with it my 33rd birthday. I turned 33 last week and I’m still going through the motions of everyday life. I did have a breakthrough earlier this month. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine on the phone, and I was telling her how tired I was. That I was at the point where I just wanted things handed to me, because I didn’t want to work for them any longer. I don’t want to say that I’ve become a lazy person, but I don’t know what to do anymore. everything I’ve received in my life and all of my adult life I worked extremely hard for. Positions I held no matter how brief they were, I worked hard to get to that point. When I say no matter how brief they were—I mean, once I got the position…there was someone always there ready to cut my throat and take me out. I never understood that, and I still don’t to this day. I know it’s because they thought I was coming after their job and their position, but truth be told I was just happy not be sitting at a cubicle answering a phone taking a reservation for the car service. I don’t know if it was a blessing or a curse that people saw something in me that I didn’t see myself. I’m reading about that very thing in the book “The 48 Laws of Power”. In fact, that is law number 1 “Never Outshine The Master”. This month is quickly coming to an end as it always does, but this year has flown by. There are only 6 months left until the end of the year, and I decided to gather as much strength as I can and do my best once again to change my life and turn everything around. Earlier in the month I went to this psychic who has an office next door to the building I work in. one of the reasons I went to see her, was because whenever I saw her on the street she would say nice things to me. So, one day I was running early and I had $5 for the special she was giving and I figured why not. It was very interesting to hear the things she had to say about me and the path that I was on. She was dead on about a few things, one being that it seems I keep going in circles in my life. She told me not to worry though, in the next 3 to 4 months change would be coming my way. I don’t know if any of what she told me was true, but it did make me feel good to go and see her. She told me that she would like to continue to work with me, and all I kept thinking was “how much is this going to cost”?

I’m getting ready to march into July, and onto the path I have put myself on…that I committed to that would change my life once again. Throughout it all and up to this point, I have come to realize that I’m a truly blessed individual. I may not have all of the things I want in life, and I may not be in the place I want to be…but I’m still here. I truly believe deep in the core of my being, that there is a reason for me being here. I don’t know what it is and I may never know, but I have to see it through to the end. Until, then God Bless and I’ll let you know how it turns out.

finally ready for the new year, and loving the new me

back once again, and ready for the new year and all that it has to bring. i wanted to wait awhile before writing this blog, because i wanted to see how things would be going and to see if i had the same energy i had exiting the old year and entering into the new one. like i wrote in my last blog for the end of the year, that i truly felt for the first time that i was finally in a position in my life to take on the new year. i don't want to go into the other things i wrote about, but i will say that this month alone things are starting to take shape for me. i know that it may sound kind of corny, but i'm feeling like my future is so bright...i gotta wear shades. it all goes back to what this seer told me a year ago--"troy, i see success surrounding you...you just have to get out of your own way". it took me almost a year to get out of my own way, but each day i'm getting better and better at it.

the biggest thing to happen to me that ended the year last month was that my student loans are completely gone...wiped the fuck out! for the past 10 years since i graduated from school i always knew i would have to pay that money back, but i always dreamed that by the time i reached my 30s...i wouldn't be worrying about paying back my student loan, because it would've already been taken care of. i'm realizing now the power of the universe and how in due time all things will work themselves out. i can vividly remember examples of this happening to me all time, but i was so caught up in the drama i was starring in..."my life"--the part had been cast and i was giving an oscar worthy performance. i have since learned that you can't force things to happen that are supposed to happen--they'll happen on their own and when it's supposed to happen...in the book i'm currently reading for the 2nd time "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" by Deepak Chopra, he calls this the "Law of Least Effort". over the summer i wrote Connecticut's Department of Children & Families asking them if they could help me with the loan payments. like i said before, i was so scared to write that letter, but once i decided that the worst thing they could say to me was no--i sent it out and gave it to God. when i got a reply from them and it didn't say no, but let's see what we can do. in that 90+ degree heat i was running around getting them every bit of paper they needed that would help them build a case for me. after all was said and done, when i tell you i gave it to God and didn't worry about it...i'm not lying to you one bit. i was happy if they would've given me $5, but all that work i did and put into it--my feelings would've been hurt if i was told no. when i started feeling that way, i would say a little prayer and tell God i'm not going to worry because i know you got me. when i was told to make the phone call to get the news i've been waiting for, and they said yes...talk about wanting to jump up and down on someone's couch. that let me know right there that i still had it in me to make things happen--i know i didn't do it all by myself, and i admit i totally went out on faith and it paid off.

i have to admit that since i created this blog and started writing, my mood and spirit has become much lighter and i'm so thankful for that. i had one of the biggest burdens lifted off of me and i can't help smiling at the oddest moments. don't get me wrong...there are still issues i'm currently dealing with and i would like to get them quickly resolved as i can, but as i'm learning that all things happen in due time and you have to accept things as they currently are. by doing so--it doesn't mean that you don't work towards the solution you're aiming for, but you don't have to be a beast about it either. in Chopra's book when he talks about "Law of Least Effort", he talks about "Acceptance". saying to yourself that you have to accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur. they are a number of things he talks about in the chapter, but as i mentioned he talks about "struggling against the moment". he states that "your acceptance has to be total and complete"--"i accept things as they are this moment, not as i wish they were". when you struggle against the moment and can't seem to accept things as they currently are in that specific moment, it causes a lot of stress, discomfort, and constant headaches. he also stated in the book and i was watching Oprah online her Best Life series, and she had Rev. Ed Bacon and Michael Bernard Beckwith saying this same exact statement more or less--"every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and this alertness to opportunities allows you to take this moment and transform it into a greater benefit". this is something i'm doing my best to work on, but to tell you the truth...i'm starting to see how it can be done. in a later chapter in Chopra's book in the chapter "The Law of Intention and Desire", he talks about how you can accept the present as it is, and manifest the future through your deepest, most cherished intentions and desires. i'm currently reading this book for the 2nd time, but i'm taking my time to fully understand the lessons within the pages. i sort of got it before, but was too caught up starring in my own drama. i get it now, and i'm doing my best to incorporate the teachings into my everyday life. to tell you the truth i'm actually doing good, and it can only get better.

earlier this month on the 6th i successfully completed 30 days on The Master Cleanse! i lost a total of 36lbs and i feel so good it's not funny. i would be lying to you if i said i didn't do the cleanse so that i could drop a few pounds, but i mainly did it because i felt so gross and my body was acting or doing what i needed it to do. i was so sluggish and for a long time i wasn't able to go to the bathroom like i wanted. when i say i couldn't go like i wanted, i mean i had not problem urinating, but when it came time for a bowel movement...my body wasn't letting go like i needed it to. the funny thing is, that other people in the office where i work at was having the same problem too. this cleanse was no joke...i got a bad cold halfway through it and couldn't seem to shake it. the purpose of the cleanse is to detoxify your body of all the impurities' in your system, so i couldn't take the vitamins i normally would to help get rid of the cold. as to be expected, i had my share of supporters and detractors throughout my time of doing the cleanse. a lot of people couldn't understand stand why i would do such a thing, because to them i looked fine. others thought i wouldn't last the initial two weeks that you have to do it. when the weight loss started to show, i got a lot of good spirited encouragement and a few people wanted to know how i was doing and how much longer i would continue on it. then there were those that would look at me out of the corner of their eyes and say things like "you're just going to put the weight back on when you start eating again". to my surprise, i just kept going and didn't let any of that stop me. i would look at videos on Youtube of people that were doing the same thing, and i actually started to feel like i can do this...i've done much bigger things than this before--this was nothing. i don't know if i've mentioned this before, but i have a quote on my wall by Goethe that says: "whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. boldness has genius, power, and magic in it". i didn't care for the salt water flush i had to do, but i did rather enjoy the laxative tea at night that i had to take. when i saw the stuff my body started to release...i just was amazed at what was coming out of me. i started eating solid foods again, and no i haven't gained back the full 36lbs that i lost. i gained 4lbs, but that was to be expected--i started eating more vegetables and i'm still carrying that energy right along with me that i ended the year with. i geniunely feel good, and even i can see the glow i have when i look in the mirror now at myself.

well, we're coming to end of the first month of the new year and i will say this--i don't know what tomorrow will bring for me, but i will meet it head on and not struggle against the moment...whatever it may be. i believe that i'm on the cusp of living the life i've always dreamed of to the fullest. i do know that i do have a purpose and the God has a purpose for me. i'm still finding my way, but in due time all things will be revealed and that patience is indeed a virtue. as always, i hope you enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it. i'll keep you posted if anything new should happen...God Bless.