35 and still counting...

It’s been a long time (...a long time) since I last posted a blog. I don't want to say that I’ve been (totally) lazy, but I guess I can say I’ve honestly been busy. I don't want to waste any time trying to remember everything that's been happening over this past year...I’m sure I’ll briefly hit on a few things, but I can save that for later blogs.

I just recently celebrated my 35th birthday (wow...), and for the 1st time since I moved to NYC...I went out with friends/co-workers and celebrated my birthday. I don't want to be one of those people that blame the way they live their lives now on past situations from their childhood. however, in this instance I will say that growing up in my family...no one ever made an effort to do anything for me on my birthday, even saying "Happy Birthday" was an after thought and said in passing like "See Ya Later", or "Have A Nice Day". I started to not put much energy or joy into my birthday...nobody else seemed to be happy about it...so, why should I?

Over this past year I have become more thankful for the everyday blessings that God gives me on a daily basis. I’m thankful I got up this morning, I’m thankful I’m able to move about freely, and the list goes on and on. I realized after a series of events that regardless of how things are now for me...they could be far worse. 2 examples...1st, my neighbor that lived on the 2nd floor in my building died. He had a heart attack in his sleep the medic/coroner told my other neighbor, but the crazy part was that his body was there rotting/decomposing for over a month!! You can imagine the smell that started to overtake the building...OMG, I will never forget that smell for the rest of my life. Smell and dead body aside--what made me sad was the fact that no one came around looking for that man. No family members/friends/any type of loved one stopped by the building asking if we saw him...nothing. 2nd, this lady that worked in a building around the corner from my job was getting onto the elevator to go back to her office, and by a freak accident was decapitated when the elevator shot up unexpectedly. For the past 35 years I have been blessed with life, good health, common sense, and intelligence...how can I not be thankful for how far I’ve come. After these 2 incidents occurred I began to realize that I can't worry about what other people say or have said about me...people always have something to say about me. Or, this person or that person doesn't like me...I can't be bothered by the things that I don't have any control over. trying to understand (I’m still working on this one) why people do the things they do...and for some reason I just can't seem to get over trying to figure that out, even though I’ll never know. If I died today, I don't want my last thought to be about so and so said this about me, or did this to me...that's bananas. I know I can do better and be better. it just gets hard when you work so hard for so long and it seems like you either going around in circles, or it was all for nothing...because you're still in the same spot you began in. I guess the status for the time being will state "to be continued".

Another thing that happened to me this year was that I ended a friendship, and it looks like another might've possibly ended as well. I’m the type of friend that if I love you...I love you. I don't let just anyone into my life (anymore) that I feel is not worthy of my time, affection, and attention. I do want to say that just because I’m friendly with a person that doesn’t make us friends. I’m friendly because I’m a nice person and who knows...that person might end up being my friend. That being said, the close friends I do have and can count on are very few. I love them dearly and I consider them to be my family. The problem that had been occurring for some time was that I began to feel that I loved my friends more than they loved me...understand what I’m saying? I cared more about them than they cared about me. I still can't talk about this without tearing up (even right now as I’m typing this...my eyes are welling up). By no means am I saying that I should be the center of anyone's world. I’m well aware that the world does not revolve around me. However, when someone calls you once, twice, three times and is actually leaving voicemails...that person being called should return the phone call right?! If it's not that day, then maybe the next, or the day after that, or after that...surely by the end of the week...right?! Not 2, 4, or 6 weeks later...because I really need someone to tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

This one friend of mine who I just adored kept pulling disappearing acts on me. When I say disappearing acts, I mean 2 to 3 months and sometimes several months on end. I tolerated this because...I guess I felt obligated in a way. When I didn't have much money to feed myself, or get to work...he would help me out. I truly appreciated that he did that for me. I will say that it happened about 3 times, but just the fact that he did that meant something to me. However, when I call you (and you see my number on the caller id, or hear my voicemails) and you don't return my calls...it feels like a rejection...like I’m not worth your time. We would make plans to hang out, but on the day of he would mysteriously disappear and I can't get a hold of him--when he called though (sometimes really early in the morning) I needed to be up and ready to take the call. I don't want to go into all the things I did for him out of the respect of our friendship...cooked pasta, purchased birthday presents (never got me one), lent money, helped with job searches, and ran errands just to name a few. So once again, out of the respect I had for our friendship...I called him up (one of the few times he actually answered the phone) and gave him the courtesy of knowing why I was ending the friendship. I could've just stopped speaking to him, but truthfully...he wouldn't have even noticed. He tried to play me during the conversation (implying I was being dramatic), but I just told him out of the respect I had for him and our friendship...I just couldn't do it anymore. He didn't curse me out or yell at me...he sounded apologetic (even though he didn't apologize), and that was that.

To tell you the truth, I don't even know how to handle this situation. I’m seriously at a loss of words as to how to really describe this or what to make of it. I guess the only way is to tell the story. My best friend (no doubt about it...) who I’ve known since sophomore year in high school has stopped talking to me...just stopped. I don't know what I did or didn't do, what I said or didn't say...I have no clue as to why she just stopped talking to me. I was talking to one of my closest friends a while back about me feeling that I loved my friends more than they loved me. Just like the friend I recently spoke about (the above paragraph), it got to a point where I would call, then call, then call again...and my calls were going unanswered--it felt like I was having more of a relationship with the voicemail than with my friend. So I made a conscious decision to stop calling (this was about late February/early March) until I heard back from her. Needlessly to say, I haven't heard back from her. Her birthday was May 2nd and I made the decision not to call and wish her a Happy 35th Birthday. I wasn't being petty (to me at least...), but at the same time I didn't want to feel like (once again...) I loved her more than she loved me by reaching out once again to call her, when she did not make the effort (any effort at all...) to call me. my birthday just recently passed (3 weeks ago), and a I’d be lying if I said that a part of me wasn't hoping that I would get a phone call (I didn't...). So, I didn't get a phone call from her or the other guy...I really felt like crying. I felt like crying, because both friendships were extremely dear to me. Even though I ended the one friendship (not because I wanted to), but I still had some hope (being a bit dramatic) that he would've sincerely apologized for not being a good friend and wished me a Happy Birthday. My best friend, I thought she would've picked up the phone and wished me a Happy Birthday...I don't know.

I don't expect any of my friends (close or casual) to make me the center of their lives. However, when I call...1, 2, or 3 times--if you can't talk...okay, but at least give me the courtesy of acknowledging me by calling back saying "got your calls...sorry, but I can't talk now. I just wanted to call you back, and I’ll call you back as soon as things calm down"...is that too much like right?! I don't think that's asking too much for a friend to do. The thing is, I wouldn't do that to any of my friends...point, blank, period. Yet, a few of my friends think its okay to continue to play me to the left (so to speak). "I’ll get back to Troy later, he'll (me) always be there, he ain’t going nowhere...", and I can go on and on with this. I was talking to one of my closest and bestest girlfriends about this, and she told me that it's a shame that I was being treated like this by people I cared deeply for. She went on to say that "not everyone is going to love like you love." which is the truth, but to me...it boils down to rejection, not being worthy, or just loved enough to give your time or attention to.

I’ve dealt with rejection of all kinds during the course of my life. From not being picked for the kickball team in elementary school to never (NEVER...EVER EVER EVER...) been asked out on a date. I’ve learned a lot of lessons in my life, and a few that I seemingly keep having to learn over and over again...I’m just not getting it--I’m working on getting it the first time, and not the second or third time. So in some aspects of my life I’ve built up a pretty strong backbone, durable suit of armor, or tough skin...especially living in NYC where it's basically me against the world pretty much. However, certain things (like rejection) from the people you hold near and dear to your heart--just pierce right on through. For the past 15 years I’ve been living in NYC, I look to my friends as a source of comfort, joy, inspiration, and strength. I couldn't be there as much as I would've liked for my best-friend, because she lives in Ohio and I’m in NYC. It was much easier when she lived in CT, then I could hop on the Metro-North and go visit. She’s a mother (going on 3 years), full-time student in school to become a registered nurse, and also holding down a full-time job as well. I can understand her not having much time to talk (during the week), but asking for a few minutes to catch up on a Sunday morning or afternoon isn't much...at least not to me. I don't know if I’m too needy, but I just like to check in and see how the people I love are doing.

Unfortunately, the lesson I’m learning (once again...) is that I have to love myself a lot more (not in a vain or braggadocios way). Moreover, I can't seemingly fall to pieces (being extra when I say this) when people I care about don't pick up the phone to talk, or return my phone call (within a week). Like I said before at the beginning of this blog...I just got to let shit go and move on. I don't want die tomorrow unexpectedly (God forbid), and my last thoughts are that this one or that one didn't call me back...could you imagine?! Well, I’m 35 now and I still have a very long way to go to get to where I need/want/have to be. Still have a lot of unfulfilled dreams that need to come to fruition, so that is what I’ll be focusing on from now on. Won’t be dragging my feet anymore, or standing still hoping the heavens will open up and bestow all that I want upon me. Just remembered what Kevin Liles (former president of Def Jam Recordings and executive vice president of The Island Def Jam Music Group) said to one of the contestants on 'I Want to Work for Diddy'..."there are 3 types of people in the world. Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who things happen to." guess which one I want to be? Wish me luck...