still a work in progress

where do i start...well i will say that this blog is extremely late by a couple of weeks. i've been a bit distracted to tell you the truth. i had a dream two weeks ago, i won't tell you about the whole dream...except to say that it gave me a clear message that something was holding me back or trying to holding me back—weighing me down, and the more i tried to move forward the harder it got. the few people i spoke to about this told me that i was still in my own way. i couldn't understand how i was still blocking myself from moving forward, but from my dream i was doing it. i don't want to be too spiritual in this blog, because my best-friend started calling me a "Jesus Freak"...i was shocked too! when i started writing my blogs, it's not like i'm waving the bible around and invoking the name of the Lord every other line. i just told him, we all need a point of reference and to "kiss my grits..." i will admit that i have been dealing with what seemed to be a lot over the summer, and i'm trying my best to deal with it in my own way...be it positive, optimistic, and spiritually.

i will say that the past few weeks have been tough and some of it might've been my own doing. i've recently stopped talking to a few people, because to tell you the truth i was becoming too caught up and caring way too much about what was going on in their lives all the while trying to deal with my own issues. i'm a cancer through and through, and there have been way too many times where i've felt that i've cared more for my friends than they did for me. i don't want to give the impression that i have selfish friends in my life, because i don't...it's just that it got to a point where i found myself wanting more for them than they did for themselves. i didn't want it to turn into "i'm not your friend anymore because you're not doing what i tell you to do"...get what i'm saying? it just got to a point where i had to seriously step back and say i can't do this anymore. right now as i'm writing this, i think i was using my friends and their lives as an escape from my own...can't do that anymore, the situation has stabilized a bit now though. It’s just a reminder that at the end of the day, people are going to do what they make up their mind to do—and as a friend, no matter how much I want them to avoid the pitfalls of their decisions…I ultimately have to sit back and watch them live their lives and be there for them. That being said, I won’t be that “friend” watching you make the same mistake over and over again when you as a grown ass individual know better, but you want to sit and make excuses for your behavior and the behavior of others. That is an extreme waste of time and energy and it serves no purpose whatsoever. This was where I made the decision to step back and say I couldn’t do it anymore…and I needed my space from that individual. Quite honestly, my life is tough already without the added stress of another’s on top of it.

This next subject that I’m going to talk about, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it. I didn’t know if I wanted fully go in to it, or just leave it alone completely. Since this is my blog and I made the decision to be totally honest with you and let it all hang out…that is what I’m going to do. About 6 ½ to 7 years ago I met a beautiful young man. When I say beautiful, I mean beautiful…he stopped me in my tracks and literally took my breath away. Naturally, I was the one that fell in love and I kept it to myself for a long time too. I don’t know if any of you ever felt this way or actually had a similar situation happen to you. I’m going to tread lightly on this, because I don’t want to be sitting here crying as i’m typing this. One night about 2 to 2 ½ years ago I confessed my love to him…and it wasn’t pretty. I was crying and drooling all over myself—I was not cute in the least. He was awfully nice about it, considering what I just dropped into his lap. Needlessly to say he is straight, and of course he told me that he always knew how I felt about him, and he was sorry he could not return my feelings. I knew he was going to say that, but I’d be lying if I said that there wasn't a little part of me that secretly hope…and you can finish that sentence. Shortly after that night he proceeded not to speak to me for 2 ½ months, yes I was crushed and wished I never said anything to him about the way I felt. Over the next few years my love for him gradually faded away, but I do still care for him as a friend and i have always wanted nothing but the best for him. During that time I’ve watched him go from relationship to relationship to relationship to relationship, always searching and never finding what he was looking for. As i sat and watched him during these periods it always brought out great sadness in me and nothing but questions about my life. One question to God was “why won’t he bring me someone to love?” I cannot tell you how many times that question had come up in my prayers, conversations on the phone to friends at night, and in letters to the Oprah show. Watching him and a few other people in and out of relationships, or stuck in relationships because they didn’t want to be alone…made me question my reason for living on this planet, the value in my life, and why God never allowed love to come into my life. This is where the universe comes into play…some will say that I wasn’t ready for it, and that it’s not my time—I have to be patient. Throughout my teens I was so afraid to be who I am, and when I reached my twenties I started to love the person I was and enjoyed living my life. That was when I really needed someone to want and desire me—tell me I was beautiful and that they wanted to be with me…it never happened. Now, I’m in my thirties and I don’t see it happening no matter how hard I pray or how patient I am—God just won’t answer that prayer of mine. Friends of mine would always ask me why I didn’t have a boyfriend yet, and they it turned around that I would get the questioned every week “did you find a boyfriend yet?” I would make jokes and laugh it off, but I was and still am sad about it…only because I have so much love to give and to feel not wanted is so horrible, and I truly wouldn’t wish that on anybody. So, when “said” guy popped up again with yet another relationship after recently ending a month long courtship with another girl—all of those feelings came back at me. My summer had not been going like I wished it had. with all the things I was trying to deal with, and then to confront those feelings again was just too much. He said this girl was different…she was the one, even though they dated before—he was just too stupid not to have known it then. I didn’t want to laugh in his face or call him out on it, but like the friend I was trying to be…I supported his decision even though inside I was secretly yelling “FOOL IS YOU CRAZY!”

Towards the end of August early September we got into a disagreement concerning a situation at the job. he was on the phone discussing a problem with a co-worker who he’s cool with, meanwhile I had emailed that co-worker about the same problem and never got a response…yet he (the co-worker) picked up the phone and called him back when he emailed him. When I voiced my frustration about the situation while he was on the phone with the guy…he didn’t care for the way I acted. A few moments had passed and he tried to explain to me what was going on, and I politely told him I did not care to hear it and I didn’t care about it anymore. At that point, he looked at me for a second or two and gave me this smart-alecky almost condescending laugh like I was a joke to him. Baby when I tell you it took every ounce in me not ask him “what the fuck was he laughing at”…I seriously had to keep my mouth shut. It didn’t end there—he went on and said it was funny to him how “people don’t know what they’re talking about when they think they do”. Right then and there, I was like I’m not fucking with you and I haven’t spoken to him since. Of course I could’ve handled things a lot differently, but he didn’t need to treat me like my feelings were unwarranted. I know a few people at the job are thinking I’m upset and jealous because he’s dating this girl again. Which I’m not, I admit there is that part of me that will always love and care for him…but, I’m not in love with him anymore—that’s the part that I’ve been sort of stressing over because I don’t want people to think that. Unfortunately, I can’t control what people will and will not think of me.

This blog is coming to an end, because frankly I have some other things I have to get done today before I become too lazy to do them. I will that through it all, I know that there is a plan for me and God will reveal it in all due time. I’ll keep you posted…God bless.