how i spent the summer of 2009

with only a few days left until the end of august, i wanted to a recap of how i spent the summer of 2009. this summer was marked with both the good and bad, but i made it through and i feel like i can really change my circumstances for the first time in a long time. however, i really do miss those summer days when i actually enjoyed the summer months and didn't have much to worry about. i wish like crazy i had those days back, because they were so care free and you got to have so much fun. now, you have to worry about bills, keeping a roof over your head and food on the table. i was talking with a co-worker of mine last week who has two little boys at home--i asked her how happy was she going to be when her children go back to school...i wish you could've seen the look on her face. she simply said "you don't even know...", and it just tickled me to death to hear her say that because i get it now. that's the one thing i truly love about getting older, for some people...you actually get smarter and you pick up on the subtle things more and more. i consider it truly a blessing to be able to see things a little more clearer now. now i know how my grandmother used to feel when she had my cousin, sister, and i out the house and she had all that quiet time to herself to clean, cook, and watch her soaps.

the beginning of summer started out just like all the ones before it, but this one however was marked with a series of anniversaries. the first being my 32nd birthday, which i wasn't looking too forward to to be perfectly honest. it was just another reminder that it was yet another year of being in the same sad situation like all the years before, so i just "celebrated" my birthday like it was nothing special. the second, it officially marked my 6th year of celibacy...LA DEE FRIGGIN' DAH! honey, i truly think it has healed over...you know i'm not going even go into it right now--this blog will end up being longer than i would actually care to make it. as june was coming to an end, we all got the news that Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett had passed away on the same exact day. the thing was that Farrah Fawcett was actually preparing to die for a while due to the form of cancer she had been suffering from, not to mention her son being convicted on drug charges while she was laid up in the hospital. Michael Jackson's death was very unexpected and sent shockwaves around the world. i was very sad to see him go in such a fashion, but i felt it had been a long time coming because he was no longer the man i loved as a child. i'm not kidding when i say that he became a ghostly shell of a broken man since his past legal troubles concerning the allegations of sexual abuse. what i find very disheartening is the fact that almost immediately after he died, the first young man that accused Michael of the sexual abuse admitted to making the whole thing up just so that he and his family could get paid. the further indignity of it all was that none of the news organizations chose to report it...they were fixated on the paternity of his three children. some people chose to remember Michael in a more favorable light and others were just plain nasty still. the funniest thing to me that with his passing and the passing of Farrah Fawcett, he got more news coverage than she did. it was like she didn't even die...i was like that's the fuck it. to be fair though, TV Land did give a little Charlie's Angels marathon.

the month of July, started out very ordinary with nothing to really talk about to tell you the truth--then, more people started dying. one of my good friends and co-workers lost her uncle towards the end of June early July due to a bacterial pneumonia he caught. then several weeks later she lost her cousin and then her grandmother within a week of each other. some of the people at the office raised some money for her since she was going to be out of work for a while. i didn't have much to give, but i wanted to do something for her to show that i was thinking about her and that she and her family were in my prayers. the rest of the month went by relatively quiet until i started do a little soul searching and wanted some answers to the questions i've been asking God for such a long time. i strongly felt like i was coming to the end of my rope and i just didn't have the strength to go on or deal with silence that seemed to at this point engulf me. then late one night was on the phone with another co-worker of mine having a heartfelt conversation about our lives and also about how tired we both were. i know it's bad to look at other people's lives and compare them to your own, because it gets you nowhere and you end up in such a dark place where you even don't want to be. i told her that i had such high hopes for my life, and that i always dreamed that by the time i reached 32 i would've been so famous and rich it wasn't even funny. as i kept talking i told her about how long and hard i had to work to get to NYC. i told her about all the downright nastiness i had to endure from many people that came along in my journey...then i said it--i feel like such a failure. in that split second, the moment the word left my mouth i became lighter. i won't go further into it, because i wrote about it two blogs ago. i will say that in that moment i realized that all these years i was not living for myself, but for all of those other people that treated me like i was nothing and would never be nothing. honey i put that baggage down, and i'm not going to lie to you...it seems at times i want to pick one or two of them back up again, but i'm leaving them right where i left them. i did however start to walk away from them.

finally we come to the month of August. to many New Yorkers, August is known as the hottest month of the year and let me tell you it lives up to it's reputation. there has been such a heatwave in this city that i can't even describe. you know it's hot as hell when you're laying down and your sweating so much you start getting dizzy. but i digress, i celebrated my 5th anniversary at my job...the longest i've had living in this city. i celebrated my 8th year living in my apt/room, and my mother turned 57 this month too. the cable got turned off, and just recently got turned back on...like it always do. more importantly, i got a phone call from one of my best friends telling me that everything was going good for him and that he wanted me to start preparing my resume. of course i asked "why", but he wouldn't tell me. after i nagged him for a while, he gave in...but i'm not going to tell you what or who it's for. i will say that it will be life changing should everything work out the way i pray it would. my sudden feeling of joy turned into sadness yet again, when i was told of a friend and former co-worker's passing. i won't go into details, because i wrote about them too my last blog or the one before that. i will say that she was such a beautiful lady and i'm so happy i got know her.

with all that has gone on this summer, i've learned that i have so much to give to this world and that my life has purpose and value. this road that i've traveled has not been easy, but i now know that God has a plan for me and he has guided me along this particular route because he is preparing me for something great...i don't know what it is, but i've also learned not to question it anymore. there's a quote on my wall that i love, and it states: "the best way to get over a situation, is to go through it". I'll keep you posted, God Bless.