i believe i've finally made it home

right now, i'm sitting in my cubicle on a beautiful saturday afternoon at my job (yes, i work on the weekends) reflecting on this past week's events. to be perfectly honest, i've actually had a good week. there were brief moments of conflict, but it was nothing that would mess up a week's worth of good. i woke up this morning in such a good way...nice and cool. for the past two days here in New York it has been free of humidity and the air has been nice and cool. i'm not sweatin' up a storm before i even get dressed, but don't get it twisted though...i'll be happy when summer is over, i can't wait for the fall/winter months to come. when i created this blog i was very ambivalent as to what i would talk about and how many times a week i would update it, and if anyone would even read it. the few people that read my first entry actually like what i had to say and were surprised at how frank i was...as if i would hold back. one close friend was happy that i took the step, but wasn't too happy at how honest i was about a particular incident that i talked about. things are settled now, and yes i do feel bad that i put our friendship to the test that way--it won't happen again. my life has been a series of ups and downs with twists and turns that would make an amusement park rollercoaster green with envy. i have to admit and give thanks to the Lord above that along the way i was so blessed to come in contact with a number of beautiful people. there has been a lot of people that i've encountered throughout my time living in the NYC as well as on this planet that have taught me many things. i have learned how to be my geniune self and at the same time still strive to be an even better version of myself...still learning because i have a ways to go. at the beginning of the week i was watching an episode of "Made" on MTV. i barely even rarely watch MTV, i was just flipping through the channels that early afternoon and i just happen to turn to that channel. the episode was about a girl who wanted to made into a cheerleader (i know, shut up), anyway her made coach took her to a gymnastics center to train with a gymnast. to say they worked this girl out is a understatement, they straight up whipped her ass. then the gymnast said something that was so profound to the girl, "success is in the journey". i was like wow...that is so true! this whole summer as well as months and years leading up to that day i have been feeling like such a failure. i can't even begin to tell you how long i have carried that feeling of utter disappointment in myself around. i would wake up with it in the morning, carry it around all day everyday and go to bed with it at night...it wore my ass out. for so long my dream was to move to the NYC and make my dreams come true by becoming a successful actor, singer (not so much), clothing designer, and entrepreneur. and don't get me started with the amount of men i was going to have falling at my feet. when things didn't go exactly according to plan, i just wanted to crawl up in the fetal position and die because i felt like all that i was working for and how far i've come at an early age was all in vain...i strongly felt and still do at times that my living was in vain. for such a long time i couldn't understand why would God create me and bring me so far just to keep going through trail after trail after trail. i can honestly tell you, that i have been pushed down so many times and treated badly by so many people who considered me less than because i wasn't on the level they were, like i was totally beneath them and never could ascend to the heights of their success. in that respect i felt like i was a failure, because i wanted to prove them wrong so badly i could taste it. i wanted to be able to say "look at me", "look at the success that is me", "i'm a star bitch". oh, not to mention how i would wish bad things on them which proved to be petty and futile. i learned and by visual aids was shown that the whole time i wasting all that negative energy on them wishing for their social and economic demise they were actually becoming more successful...ain't that some shit! that pissed me off even more. then i realized that i had to move on and get myself and situation together, because at the end of the day i had to keep a roof over my head, food on the table, and clothes on my back. i have a qoute taped on the wall in my apartment that says "when one door closes another door opens, but we don't realize it because we're so focused on the one that has closed". for such a long time i was standing still afraid to make a move in any direction, because i already knew what was going to happen--after having gone through it numerous times i could almost exactly predict when it would happen, and i'll be damned if it didn't. it was this fear that crippled me, because it didn't just stop me from moving forward with me life...it totally paralyzed me. i've prayed so many times...i shouldn't say pray, the better word to use is beg. i was on my hands and knees begging God to improve my situation. when things didn't get better, i honestly felt he gave up on me. i came to this city with so much passion and drive for what i wanted to do and become, i felt it draining away. the things i loved doing, i started not to love anymore. all because of the people i came in contact with and the negative affect i let them have on me. then little things started happening for me...little to me; however, in all actuallity they were big things. big or small it didn't matter to me, all that mattered was that things started happening for me. i got a job working for a company that dressed models backstage at the fashion shows during fashion week. that lead to an internship with a fashion television show, which not only gave me the knowledge as to what really goes on into creating a show for broadcast. not only was i learning about television production from the ground up, but i was finally in the industry i wished for since i was a teenager. i loved every minute of it, until that too came to a screeching halt. to be honest, i didn't have time to mourn it. with the ending of that, the company i worked for backstage increased the amount of money i was being paid along with the number of shows i got to work...so i was still working fashion week and getting paid more money to do so. so, i didn't have time to dwell on the door that closed--i was too focused on the new door that was standing in front of me wide open for me to walk right on through and i didn't waste any time going through it. i've recently split with that company this past february after 12 seasons (6 years). when our relationship ended, i was not upset in the least...if i was upset, i was extremely disappointed in the way it went down. that's spilled milk now, and i have to do what i've always done...move on. next month the spring/summer shows take place and i don't know if i'll be working any of them, but i have faith that something will materialize and i'll be back. to sum it up, because i just realized i'm talking way too much and this blog is becoming too long. throughout my journey i've realized that i'm still here. i know that may sound a little plain, but when you really think about it...i'm still here. all of the people that have done me wrong and tried their best to do me in--it didn't work, because i'm still here. i'm still here. when i was frying up some pork chops or washing dishes (can't remember) the other day, i was thinking to myself that there is a reason i'm here and my life must have some sort of value. i went on to say to myself, "trees and their leaves, clouds, clothes, cars, roaches, spiders, and all the fish in the sea have a value and purpose for being here. i'm no different. all that i have been through thus far and have yet to still encounter--i made it through and i'm still here. i'm too cerebral at times and this was one of those times, because after i was finished i sat down and thought to myself that maybe this was how it was supposed to be all along. maybe i'm supposed to be that person that everyone knew way back when i was waiting tables, selling make-up at rickys, working the front desk at the david barton gym, being the coat check girl at king, getting busy in the back room at the cock...(just kidding, never happened). maybe i'm supposed to be that person, and if that is my role...then so be it. i'm gonna ride that til' the wheels fall off. nobody in this world is meant to live a tortured life or be a tortured soul for that matter. maybe this is path i have to take to get to where i need to be, because whether i'd like to admit it or not--i've learned so much along the way. i'm still naive about a few things, but i have to learn from those situations and keep moving forward. this summer has been an eye opener and one big "Aha" moment for me. in that respect, i believe i've finally made it home. before i go, i was watching the reunion special of Rupaul's Drag Race on demand (love her), and she said something that touched my heart. "you have to believe deep in your core that you're a star, and don't let anyone ever try to tell you or make you believe different. because, when you know who you are and what you are...they can never come for you, you'll be like...bring it bitch...". the only thing i have to say to that is..."Sophia home now, thangs gonna be changin' round here". until next time, i'll keep you posted and God Bless.