and so it begins...another holiday season has landed smack dead in my lap. i used to only think of this time as a constant reminder of where i wasn't in my life and the constant lack of that i experienced since i moved to New York. with the beginning of this season, as with the past several months of me creating this blog i have been doing my best to change my thoughts about my life--constantly trying to see the positive in whatever comes my way. Dr. Michael Beckwith said on the Oprah show that using the word "trying" or phrase "trying to do", and i quote "only means you're failing with honor". since i heard him say that, i've started using the phrase "doing my best to". with that being said, i've been doing my best to keep my head held up high and moving forward despite the ongoing woes that pop in my life every now and again.
it's the end of November, and this past Thursday was Thanksgiving which means that Christmas is literally right around the corner. let's start with Thanksgiving, didn't get a chance to go home to spend the whole weekend with family like i want; furthermore, i thought i would a chance to go home tomorrow Sunday and i'm not going to be able to due to my lack of funds. it's okay, but what's going to make it difficult is breaking the news to my mother. she already called me early this morning wanting to know what time was i arriving, and when i told her that i was coming tomorrow (Sunday)...she took on this little disappointed voice and tried to guilt me into visiting a day earlier. she should know by now that that does not work on me...still, i don't want to hurt her feelings--as cold as i can be sometimes, i do have a heart. luck has it, i was contacted by a co-worker asking me if i wanted to work some extra hours Sunday since they were going to be short one person on the shift. "of course" i said, because not only will i make up two hours for leaving early this week, i'll be able to have some extra money to travel home...hopefully she'll understand.
as i stated earlier this time of year was always a constant reminder of the things i wanted and still didn't have. for instance, money--this year like last year i still don't have much...in fact i have very little. 2 1/2 months ago my television died, and shortly there after the cable service was "interrupted" (yet again). last week my phone/dsl service was also interrupted, and the amount of both bills combined with the fact that i have to purchase a new television...it hurts my heart. not to mention i doing my best to keep food in the refrigerator, and i'm still sewing patches on a pair of jeans that i really need to throw away. to top it all off, i still owe my landlord $1400 in back rent. okay, here's where the new way of thinking kicks in...are you ready?! starting with my landlord and back rent--at least i still have a roof over my head and he's not trying to evict me, and he's being very understanding about the whole thing. my patchy jeans, at least i have a pair to wear. they may not be designer or the best, but at least i have something...this too will pass and one day i will have a closet full of the best clothing money can buy. putting food into the refrigerator, at least i have a fridge to put food into and least i have something to eat. finally, as for the cable/television/phone/dsl...all in due time everything will be turned back on (yet again) and a new television will be purchased. sorry if i sound a bit sarcastic, but to be perfectly honest a person can't help but feel a bit overwhelmed or like a loser when things like this happen. on this front i'm working very hard to turn "trying" into "doing my best". there are a few things i will say that i'm immensely thankful for. one being that i still have a job that's keeping a roof over my head. two, i took a big chance at asking the state of connecticut's department of children and families to pay my student loans--and that paid off! they'll be cutting a check to wipe out the remaining amount of money i owe. after nine months of waiting and then unexpectedly falling into some overtime hours, I FINALLY GOT MY HAIR DONE!!! let me tell you right now...my hair is just too fierce! the perm took to it so well, and i got this whip action that i'm loving. finally, i have my health. it's so easy to take that for granted, but every morning i wake up...i'm happy.
for the first time in a long time, i'm actually ready to take on the new year. before, i was just sitting and waiting hoping against all odds that the new year would be better than the previous. this time i can't wait for it to begin. i know that i'll start off the new year with the student loans finally paid off, and it's just a matter of time before it's income tax time. so, things are looking on the up and up for me...i'm doing my best to see the lesson in every situation that arises. i know that i'm incredibly blessed and that i have a lot to be thankful for. i do still have all of my dreams that keep me going, and to tell you the God's honest truth...i finally believe that i can make them all come true one by one. my mind has been very ADD/Schizophrenic this past year, so for the new year i have to really work hard on calming it down and focusing all of my energy in the right direction and not take the approach of throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. i'm extremely "amped" up for the new year, and i believe for the first time that it will be very good to me--tough, but still good. I'll keep you posted, God Bless.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
taking chances
i haven't written these past several weeks, because i honestly didn't know what to write about. i didn't just want to write about any old thing that came into my mind...not that i've done that since creating this blog. i've tried to do my best to be as honest (maybe too honest) about letting you know what's going in my life at that particular time. a few weeks ago i was going to write about my problem with men (lack of), and it started out a little funny--then i thought...i've talked about this subject for too damn long for so many years. then, i decided to let my topics/subjects just come to me naturally and not force them. it has taken a while, but i've collected my thoughts and now i'm ready to let you know what's going on.
over these past several weeks i've been doing my best to become the kind of person that makes things happen, instead of being the person that watches things happen and also the person that things happen to. little by little i've been moving in that direction, and trying my hardest not to be discouraged over the fact that things aren't happening at the rate i want them to. the first thing i did was a big one--i wrote a letter to the state of connecticut's department of childrens and families (ACS in new york) asking them if they could and would pay my student loan. i didn't think they would even entertain such a notion to even do so, but one day when i came home from work--there was a letting addressed to me from them waiting in my mailbox. i was so prepared for the no that i just knew they were going to give me, but what i got instead was a "please call me". it was from a lady in the ombudsman office, and she was assigned to review my request. over the course of the entire summer i cannot tell you busy i was running back and forth collecting all of the information she needed me to get for her so she could build a good case for me. i gave her the last bit of paperwork she requested of me at the very end of august...now, all that was left for me was to wait. it was towards the end of september i got email that said "call me right away, i have some news for you". up until now i was so ready for the "no" that i knew i was going to get. now, i was emotionally invested because of all that work and running around i did. all those late night prayers to God asking for me to at least get something ($1, $5, $100, $500), it would not matter to me--just to get something would've been a huge accomplishment. i did tell myself that if they said no, at least i did my best--even though it would've sucked big time. the next morning i woke up and i waited a bit before i called, because i wanted to give her time to get in and get settled. when she picked up i was so scared and nervous, but the weird thing was...i had a bit of calm come over me too! then she said those words "we're going to pay your loans". i didn't know what to say, because she was so calm about it and she said it so matter of fact that i thought she was playing. she went on to say that i should have never and did not need to take out any student loans whatsoever, that i was badly advised by my social worker. baby, talk about wanting to jump up and down on someone's couch! let me tell you something, those muthafucker's snatched my income tax refund one year, garnished my check twice (was waiting on 5 check stubs to send them), and now for that to be over...ARE YOU KIDDING ME! i took a chance and it worked out for me.
one of my favorite things in the world besides gay porn (LOL!), are these quotable cards that you can buy. they have the best quotes on them ranging from pulitzer prize winning authors, major historical figures, philosophers, and actors (actresses included). the majority of the ones that i have taped to the wall of my apartment talk about taking chances (that's where the topic of this blog comes from). taking that all important chance that can improve your life for the better or worse depending on the outcome, but like the great Bea Arthur's character Dorothy Zbornak said to Betty White's Rose Nyland on the Golden Girls..."you never know unless you go for it".
i haven't been pleased with my job for such a long time. i came to this city (NYC) 12 years ago to go to NYU and become a famous actor. things haven't worked out quite like i have wished they would. however, i took that chance and i honestly say, my life is the better for it. through all the tears and pain, ups and downs...i shudder to think that i wouldn't change a thing if i had it to do all over again. it took a long time to find this place, and like i said a few blogs ago--i believe i've finally made it home. so, back to the job...i started sending out my resumes to various job listings i feel that i would be perfect for. i have been standing so still when it came time to looking for employment. i haven't looked for a new job in so long, because i've been so embarrassed by the fact that i don't look the way i want to look. i'm not as thin as i want to be and my wardrobe isn't as vast or exact as i need or want it to be. the chance i took was putting my self out there any way. i figure they can hire me and after a few paychecks i would be able to start buying the clothes i want to wear and be able to afford that gym membership that i want so badly, get on the track of getting my body back to the way it used to be...nice and tight. i haven't gotten any responses back from any of the job listings i found, and yes i was disappointed by that. then i thought to myself, that i'm not in fighting form. if i really want this, i'm going to have to work hard for it...no matter what. i did fantasize that my dream job/career would drop into my lap, and that's just not happening. so i really need to commit to becoming that person who truly makes things happen. i believe that i have that person in me, and he just got lost in all the drama that i found myself so caught up in. he's still there waiting for me to get it together and realize that i through the power of the Lord Almighty can be anything and can almost do anything.
with one more month to go until the end of the year, you cannot help but notice how damn fast 2009 has gone by. throughout the course of this new year, i have worked so hard and made one of my a dreams become a reality. i'm afraid a bit to say that i'm ready for 2010, and to see what it has in store for me. one thing i realized about me is that even though i feel like i'm dragging my feet at times, i'm still moving forward. i don't know how things will turn out with the end of the year fast approaching, but i'll keep you posted...God Bless.
over these past several weeks i've been doing my best to become the kind of person that makes things happen, instead of being the person that watches things happen and also the person that things happen to. little by little i've been moving in that direction, and trying my hardest not to be discouraged over the fact that things aren't happening at the rate i want them to. the first thing i did was a big one--i wrote a letter to the state of connecticut's department of childrens and families (ACS in new york) asking them if they could and would pay my student loan. i didn't think they would even entertain such a notion to even do so, but one day when i came home from work--there was a letting addressed to me from them waiting in my mailbox. i was so prepared for the no that i just knew they were going to give me, but what i got instead was a "please call me". it was from a lady in the ombudsman office, and she was assigned to review my request. over the course of the entire summer i cannot tell you busy i was running back and forth collecting all of the information she needed me to get for her so she could build a good case for me. i gave her the last bit of paperwork she requested of me at the very end of august...now, all that was left for me was to wait. it was towards the end of september i got email that said "call me right away, i have some news for you". up until now i was so ready for the "no" that i knew i was going to get. now, i was emotionally invested because of all that work and running around i did. all those late night prayers to God asking for me to at least get something ($1, $5, $100, $500), it would not matter to me--just to get something would've been a huge accomplishment. i did tell myself that if they said no, at least i did my best--even though it would've sucked big time. the next morning i woke up and i waited a bit before i called, because i wanted to give her time to get in and get settled. when she picked up i was so scared and nervous, but the weird thing was...i had a bit of calm come over me too! then she said those words "we're going to pay your loans". i didn't know what to say, because she was so calm about it and she said it so matter of fact that i thought she was playing. she went on to say that i should have never and did not need to take out any student loans whatsoever, that i was badly advised by my social worker. baby, talk about wanting to jump up and down on someone's couch! let me tell you something, those muthafucker's snatched my income tax refund one year, garnished my check twice (was waiting on 5 check stubs to send them), and now for that to be over...ARE YOU KIDDING ME! i took a chance and it worked out for me.
one of my favorite things in the world besides gay porn (LOL!), are these quotable cards that you can buy. they have the best quotes on them ranging from pulitzer prize winning authors, major historical figures, philosophers, and actors (actresses included). the majority of the ones that i have taped to the wall of my apartment talk about taking chances (that's where the topic of this blog comes from). taking that all important chance that can improve your life for the better or worse depending on the outcome, but like the great Bea Arthur's character Dorothy Zbornak said to Betty White's Rose Nyland on the Golden Girls..."you never know unless you go for it".
i haven't been pleased with my job for such a long time. i came to this city (NYC) 12 years ago to go to NYU and become a famous actor. things haven't worked out quite like i have wished they would. however, i took that chance and i honestly say, my life is the better for it. through all the tears and pain, ups and downs...i shudder to think that i wouldn't change a thing if i had it to do all over again. it took a long time to find this place, and like i said a few blogs ago--i believe i've finally made it home. so, back to the job...i started sending out my resumes to various job listings i feel that i would be perfect for. i have been standing so still when it came time to looking for employment. i haven't looked for a new job in so long, because i've been so embarrassed by the fact that i don't look the way i want to look. i'm not as thin as i want to be and my wardrobe isn't as vast or exact as i need or want it to be. the chance i took was putting my self out there any way. i figure they can hire me and after a few paychecks i would be able to start buying the clothes i want to wear and be able to afford that gym membership that i want so badly, get on the track of getting my body back to the way it used to be...nice and tight. i haven't gotten any responses back from any of the job listings i found, and yes i was disappointed by that. then i thought to myself, that i'm not in fighting form. if i really want this, i'm going to have to work hard for it...no matter what. i did fantasize that my dream job/career would drop into my lap, and that's just not happening. so i really need to commit to becoming that person who truly makes things happen. i believe that i have that person in me, and he just got lost in all the drama that i found myself so caught up in. he's still there waiting for me to get it together and realize that i through the power of the Lord Almighty can be anything and can almost do anything.
with one more month to go until the end of the year, you cannot help but notice how damn fast 2009 has gone by. throughout the course of this new year, i have worked so hard and made one of my a dreams become a reality. i'm afraid a bit to say that i'm ready for 2010, and to see what it has in store for me. one thing i realized about me is that even though i feel like i'm dragging my feet at times, i'm still moving forward. i don't know how things will turn out with the end of the year fast approaching, but i'll keep you posted...God Bless.
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