tis' the season, to give thanks

and so it begins...another holiday season has landed smack dead in my lap. i used to only think of this time as a constant reminder of where i wasn't in my life and the constant lack of that i experienced since i moved to New York. with the beginning of this season, as with the past several months of me creating this blog i have been doing my best to change my thoughts about my life--constantly trying to see the positive in whatever comes my way. Dr. Michael Beckwith said on the Oprah show that using the word "trying" or phrase "trying to do", and i quote "only means you're failing with honor". since i heard him say that, i've started using the phrase "doing my best to". with that being said, i've been doing my best to keep my head held up high and moving forward despite the ongoing woes that pop in my life every now and again.

it's the end of November, and this past Thursday was Thanksgiving which means that Christmas is literally right around the corner. let's start with Thanksgiving, didn't get a chance to go home to spend the whole weekend with family like i want; furthermore, i thought i would a chance to go home tomorrow Sunday and i'm not going to be able to due to my lack of funds. it's okay, but what's going to make it difficult is breaking the news to my mother. she already called me early this morning wanting to know what time was i arriving, and when i told her that i was coming tomorrow (Sunday)...she took on this little disappointed voice and tried to guilt me into visiting a day earlier. she should know by now that that does not work on me...still, i don't want to hurt her feelings--as cold as i can be sometimes, i do have a heart. luck has it, i was contacted by a co-worker asking me if i wanted to work some extra hours Sunday since they were going to be short one person on the shift. "of course" i said, because not only will i make up two hours for leaving early this week, i'll be able to have some extra money to travel home...hopefully she'll understand.

as i stated earlier this time of year was always a constant reminder of the things i wanted and still didn't have. for instance, money--this year like last year i still don't have much...in fact i have very little. 2 1/2 months ago my television died, and shortly there after the cable service was "interrupted" (yet again). last week my phone/dsl service was also interrupted, and the amount of both bills combined with the fact that i have to purchase a new television...it hurts my heart. not to mention i doing my best to keep food in the refrigerator, and i'm still sewing patches on a pair of jeans that i really need to throw away. to top it all off, i still owe my landlord $1400 in back rent. okay, here's where the new way of thinking kicks in...are you ready?! starting with my landlord and back rent--at least i still have a roof over my head and he's not trying to evict me, and he's being very understanding about the whole thing. my patchy jeans, at least i have a pair to wear. they may not be designer or the best, but at least i have something...this too will pass and one day i will have a closet full of the best clothing money can buy. putting food into the refrigerator, at least i have a fridge to put food into and least i have something to eat. finally, as for the cable/television/phone/dsl...all in due time everything will be turned back on (yet again) and a new television will be purchased. sorry if i sound a bit sarcastic, but to be perfectly honest a person can't help but feel a bit overwhelmed or like a loser when things like this happen. on this front i'm working very hard to turn "trying" into "doing my best". there are a few things i will say that i'm immensely thankful for. one being that i still have a job that's keeping a roof over my head. two, i took a big chance at asking the state of connecticut's department of children and families to pay my student loans--and that paid off! they'll be cutting a check to wipe out the remaining amount of money i owe. after nine months of waiting and then unexpectedly falling into some overtime hours, I FINALLY GOT MY HAIR DONE!!! let me tell you right now...my hair is just too fierce! the perm took to it so well, and i got this whip action that i'm loving. finally, i have my health. it's so easy to take that for granted, but every morning i wake up...i'm happy.

for the first time in a long time, i'm actually ready to take on the new year. before, i was just sitting and waiting hoping against all odds that the new year would be better than the previous. this time i can't wait for it to begin. i know that i'll start off the new year with the student loans finally paid off, and it's just a matter of time before it's income tax time. so, things are looking on the up and up for me...i'm doing my best to see the lesson in every situation that arises. i know that i'm incredibly blessed and that i have a lot to be thankful for. i do still have all of my dreams that keep me going, and to tell you the God's honest truth...i finally believe that i can make them all come true one by one. my mind has been very ADD/Schizophrenic this past year, so for the new year i have to really work hard on calming it down and focusing all of my energy in the right direction and not take the approach of throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. i'm extremely "amped" up for the new year, and i believe for the first time that it will be very good to me--tough, but still good. I'll keep you posted, God Bless.