december is finally here, and not only does it signify that the end of the year is here--it also lets me look back on this past year and how very fast it flew by. like i wrote in my last blog, i'm actually looking forward and ready for the new year. i don't know if i'm making much sense, but for such a long time i've always found myself sitting and hoping for something better to come my way. i can honestly say that this was a learned behavior that happened over time. i became this way because it seemed to me that whenever i pointed myself in direction and started moving in the direction i was aiming myself at...for a lack of a better phrase, it would blow up in my face. i've encountered so much nastiness during my 12 years of living in NYC it's not funny. at one time i even started trying to make my light shine a little less so that i wouldn't piss anyone off...that didn't help, people would end up still being mad at me for some reason or other. the funny thing about this was, it would be the same people that told me they believed in me and knew i was going to be somebody big one day. i stood still, i didn't move in any direction. so i took this approach to my career as well as my life for several years, and to say that little came of it would be an understatement. so would it surprise you that i would actually get upset with myself when nothing would happen?! it got to a point that i was just worn out, because nothing was coming my way and when i went out to try and make things happen...they just didn't. i didn't know what to do with myself or my life anymore.
like i said before, i spent many years doing this and it just seemed to me that i wasn't moving forward at all. here's the thing and i hate to get all Godly on you, but He was moving me forward...not at the speed i wanted, but it was slowly happening and He made me aware of it. funny things happen when you're so caught up starring in your very own drama. at the beginning of this year i was hit hard by circumstances that effected us all job wise. to keep from laying off workers at my job, the powers that be decided to cut everyone's hours and reduced pay from 5-10%. talk about making even less money than i was making before, but when it was all said an done...i had to be thankful because at least i still had a job and was bringing home something. before any of that happened, during my favorite time of year (NYC Fashion Week) i got fired from the company i worked 6 years (12 seasons) for. to make a long story short, i upset a designer and she made a phone call and next thing i know...i was gone. when these things started happening, especially the second--i actually didn't freak out...i just went back to the old standby: "what's wrong with me?!" after years of being the "victim" i decided that i had to stand up and really stand tall. i have to become that person who makes things happen. yeah, i've taken chances in the past and yes they did blow up in my face, but i can't give up. 12 years ago i moved to NYC to make my dreams come true, i made that happen. everyday i get up to face the day to see what it brings. there are so many examples in my past of me, myself, and i making things happen. living in this city in this day an age that's not an easy task, but i'm doing it and doing the best i can. along the way i decided i wanted to rule this city. i realized that the hourglass i had dead set in mind wasn't running out of sand at all, but that i indeed still had time to make all of my dreams come true. i also realized that it doesn't happen when you want it to, but when you're truly ready...then the universe will open up and give it to you.
at the beginning of this month on the 8th, i decided to do the master cleanse...i'm on day 5 right now. i'm not going to lie to you--i'm not all that hungry, but off and on i'm thinking about the food i could be eating. i don't know how long i'm going to do this for. i would actually love to do it for 40 days, but we'll have to see what happens and take it as it comes. by me doing this, i've taken another step in the direction i want my life to go and yet again changed the course of the parade route. i feel good, i can't explain it...it's just a feeling of knowing that no matter what may or may not be happening in my life--it doesn't mean i'm any less of a person than the next, and i'm alright. i'm still blessed and i will have all that i want in need in due time...just as long as i am willing to work for it. i'll keep you posted, God Bless...
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