taking chances

i haven't written these past several weeks, because i honestly didn't know what to write about. i didn't just want to write about any old thing that came into my mind...not that i've done that since creating this blog. i've tried to do my best to be as honest (maybe too honest) about letting you know what's going in my life at that particular time. a few weeks ago i was going to write about my problem with men (lack of), and it started out a little funny--then i thought...i've talked about this subject for too damn long for so many years. then, i decided to let my topics/subjects just come to me naturally and not force them. it has taken a while, but i've collected my thoughts and now i'm ready to let you know what's going on.

over these past several weeks i've been doing my best to become the kind of person that makes things happen, instead of being the person that watches things happen and also the person that things happen to. little by little i've been moving in that direction, and trying my hardest not to be discouraged over the fact that things aren't happening at the rate i want them to. the first thing i did was a big one--i wrote a letter to the state of connecticut's department of childrens and families (ACS in new york) asking them if they could and would pay my student loan. i didn't think they would even entertain such a notion to even do so, but one day when i came home from work--there was a letting addressed to me from them waiting in my mailbox. i was so prepared for the no that i just knew they were going to give me, but what i got instead was a "please call me". it was from a lady in the ombudsman office, and she was assigned to review my request. over the course of the entire summer i cannot tell you busy i was running back and forth collecting all of the information she needed me to get for her so she could build a good case for me. i gave her the last bit of paperwork she requested of me at the very end of august...now, all that was left for me was to wait. it was towards the end of september i got email that said "call me right away, i have some news for you". up until now i was so ready for the "no" that i knew i was going to get. now, i was emotionally invested because of all that work and running around i did. all those late night prayers to God asking for me to at least get something ($1, $5, $100, $500), it would not matter to me--just to get something would've been a huge accomplishment. i did tell myself that if they said no, at least i did my best--even though it would've sucked big time. the next morning i woke up and i waited a bit before i called, because i wanted to give her time to get in and get settled. when she picked up i was so scared and nervous, but the weird thing was...i had a bit of calm come over me too! then she said those words "we're going to pay your loans". i didn't know what to say, because she was so calm about it and she said it so matter of fact that i thought she was playing. she went on to say that i should have never and did not need to take out any student loans whatsoever, that i was badly advised by my social worker. baby, talk about wanting to jump up and down on someone's couch! let me tell you something, those muthafucker's snatched my income tax refund one year, garnished my check twice (was waiting on 5 check stubs to send them), and now for that to be over...ARE YOU KIDDING ME! i took a chance and it worked out for me.

one of my favorite things in the world besides gay porn (LOL!), are these quotable cards that you can buy. they have the best quotes on them ranging from pulitzer prize winning authors, major historical figures, philosophers, and actors (actresses included). the majority of the ones that i have taped to the wall of my apartment talk about taking chances (that's where the topic of this blog comes from). taking that all important chance that can improve your life for the better or worse depending on the outcome, but like the great Bea Arthur's character Dorothy Zbornak said to Betty White's Rose Nyland on the Golden Girls..."you never know unless you go for it".

i haven't been pleased with my job for such a long time. i came to this city (NYC) 12 years ago to go to NYU and become a famous actor. things haven't worked out quite like i have wished they would. however, i took that chance and i honestly say, my life is the better for it. through all the tears and pain, ups and downs...i shudder to think that i wouldn't change a thing if i had it to do all over again. it took a long time to find this place, and like i said a few blogs ago--i believe i've finally made it home. so, back to the job...i started sending out my resumes to various job listings i feel that i would be perfect for. i have been standing so still when it came time to looking for employment. i haven't looked for a new job in so long, because i've been so embarrassed by the fact that i don't look the way i want to look. i'm not as thin as i want to be and my wardrobe isn't as vast or exact as i need or want it to be. the chance i took was putting my self out there any way. i figure they can hire me and after a few paychecks i would be able to start buying the clothes i want to wear and be able to afford that gym membership that i want so badly, get on the track of getting my body back to the way it used to be...nice and tight. i haven't gotten any responses back from any of the job listings i found, and yes i was disappointed by that. then i thought to myself, that i'm not in fighting form. if i really want this, i'm going to have to work hard for it...no matter what. i did fantasize that my dream job/career would drop into my lap, and that's just not happening. so i really need to commit to becoming that person who truly makes things happen. i believe that i have that person in me, and he just got lost in all the drama that i found myself so caught up in. he's still there waiting for me to get it together and realize that i through the power of the Lord Almighty can be anything and can almost do anything.

with one more month to go until the end of the year, you cannot help but notice how damn fast 2009 has gone by. throughout the course of this new year, i have worked so hard and made one of my a dreams become a reality. i'm afraid a bit to say that i'm ready for 2010, and to see what it has in store for me. one thing i realized about me is that even though i feel like i'm dragging my feet at times, i'm still moving forward. i don't know how things will turn out with the end of the year fast approaching, but i'll keep you posted...God Bless.