how i spent the summer of 2009

with only a few days left until the end of august, i wanted to a recap of how i spent the summer of 2009. this summer was marked with both the good and bad, but i made it through and i feel like i can really change my circumstances for the first time in a long time. however, i really do miss those summer days when i actually enjoyed the summer months and didn't have much to worry about. i wish like crazy i had those days back, because they were so care free and you got to have so much fun. now, you have to worry about bills, keeping a roof over your head and food on the table. i was talking with a co-worker of mine last week who has two little boys at home--i asked her how happy was she going to be when her children go back to school...i wish you could've seen the look on her face. she simply said "you don't even know...", and it just tickled me to death to hear her say that because i get it now. that's the one thing i truly love about getting older, for some people...you actually get smarter and you pick up on the subtle things more and more. i consider it truly a blessing to be able to see things a little more clearer now. now i know how my grandmother used to feel when she had my cousin, sister, and i out the house and she had all that quiet time to herself to clean, cook, and watch her soaps.

the beginning of summer started out just like all the ones before it, but this one however was marked with a series of anniversaries. the first being my 32nd birthday, which i wasn't looking too forward to to be perfectly honest. it was just another reminder that it was yet another year of being in the same sad situation like all the years before, so i just "celebrated" my birthday like it was nothing special. the second, it officially marked my 6th year of celibacy...LA DEE FRIGGIN' DAH! honey, i truly think it has healed over...you know i'm not going even go into it right now--this blog will end up being longer than i would actually care to make it. as june was coming to an end, we all got the news that Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett had passed away on the same exact day. the thing was that Farrah Fawcett was actually preparing to die for a while due to the form of cancer she had been suffering from, not to mention her son being convicted on drug charges while she was laid up in the hospital. Michael Jackson's death was very unexpected and sent shockwaves around the world. i was very sad to see him go in such a fashion, but i felt it had been a long time coming because he was no longer the man i loved as a child. i'm not kidding when i say that he became a ghostly shell of a broken man since his past legal troubles concerning the allegations of sexual abuse. what i find very disheartening is the fact that almost immediately after he died, the first young man that accused Michael of the sexual abuse admitted to making the whole thing up just so that he and his family could get paid. the further indignity of it all was that none of the news organizations chose to report it...they were fixated on the paternity of his three children. some people chose to remember Michael in a more favorable light and others were just plain nasty still. the funniest thing to me that with his passing and the passing of Farrah Fawcett, he got more news coverage than she did. it was like she didn't even die...i was like that's the fuck it. to be fair though, TV Land did give a little Charlie's Angels marathon.

the month of July, started out very ordinary with nothing to really talk about to tell you the truth--then, more people started dying. one of my good friends and co-workers lost her uncle towards the end of June early July due to a bacterial pneumonia he caught. then several weeks later she lost her cousin and then her grandmother within a week of each other. some of the people at the office raised some money for her since she was going to be out of work for a while. i didn't have much to give, but i wanted to do something for her to show that i was thinking about her and that she and her family were in my prayers. the rest of the month went by relatively quiet until i started do a little soul searching and wanted some answers to the questions i've been asking God for such a long time. i strongly felt like i was coming to the end of my rope and i just didn't have the strength to go on or deal with silence that seemed to at this point engulf me. then late one night was on the phone with another co-worker of mine having a heartfelt conversation about our lives and also about how tired we both were. i know it's bad to look at other people's lives and compare them to your own, because it gets you nowhere and you end up in such a dark place where you even don't want to be. i told her that i had such high hopes for my life, and that i always dreamed that by the time i reached 32 i would've been so famous and rich it wasn't even funny. as i kept talking i told her about how long and hard i had to work to get to NYC. i told her about all the downright nastiness i had to endure from many people that came along in my journey...then i said it--i feel like such a failure. in that split second, the moment the word left my mouth i became lighter. i won't go further into it, because i wrote about it two blogs ago. i will say that in that moment i realized that all these years i was not living for myself, but for all of those other people that treated me like i was nothing and would never be nothing. honey i put that baggage down, and i'm not going to lie to you...it seems at times i want to pick one or two of them back up again, but i'm leaving them right where i left them. i did however start to walk away from them.

finally we come to the month of August. to many New Yorkers, August is known as the hottest month of the year and let me tell you it lives up to it's reputation. there has been such a heatwave in this city that i can't even describe. you know it's hot as hell when you're laying down and your sweating so much you start getting dizzy. but i digress, i celebrated my 5th anniversary at my job...the longest i've had living in this city. i celebrated my 8th year living in my apt/room, and my mother turned 57 this month too. the cable got turned off, and just recently got turned back on...like it always do. more importantly, i got a phone call from one of my best friends telling me that everything was going good for him and that he wanted me to start preparing my resume. of course i asked "why", but he wouldn't tell me. after i nagged him for a while, he gave in...but i'm not going to tell you what or who it's for. i will say that it will be life changing should everything work out the way i pray it would. my sudden feeling of joy turned into sadness yet again, when i was told of a friend and former co-worker's passing. i won't go into details, because i wrote about them too my last blog or the one before that. i will say that she was such a beautiful lady and i'm so happy i got know her.

with all that has gone on this summer, i've learned that i have so much to give to this world and that my life has purpose and value. this road that i've traveled has not been easy, but i now know that God has a plan for me and he has guided me along this particular route because he is preparing me for something great...i don't know what it is, but i've also learned not to question it anymore. there's a quote on my wall that i love, and it states: "the best way to get over a situation, is to go through it". I'll keep you posted, God Bless.

what a gift i've been given

last saturday i started writing this blog and immediately stopped writing it, because i received word that a former co-worker and friend of mine had passed away earlier in the day. the first two blogs i posted seemed to me at least to be very serious, and to tell you the truth there are many lighter happier moments in my life that need to be talked about and celebrated as well--now is one of those times.

i have been blessed many times over in my life and i strongly believe that God guided my steps toward to each and every individual i've encountered throughout my 32 years on this earth. there have been many people that i've encountered that i wish i never did, and there have been many wonderful people that came into my life and gave me so much joy i can't even begin to tell you. as i have gotten older, i realized that there was a lesson to be learned in every one of those situations. i've learned a lot, because another lesson i learned the hard way was that if i wasn't paying attention to the lesson that was being taught...it constantly repeated itself time and time again, and would present itself in another individual every time it occurred. to tell you the truth, i think i got it now. should the same situation arise again to see if i can handle it like the grown ass man that i am, i'm confident i'll pass the test.

one thing i have loved from an early age and even more so now that i'm older are cartoons. i'm an avid cartoon watcher, and you'd be surprised as to what lessons a child and even an adult can learn while watching cartoons. this one cartoon i like to watch is 'Danny Phantom', it comes on the Nicktoons Network. i was watching a particular episode where the main character Danny Fenton (aka Danny Phantom) had become a super villian that wreaked havoc over the entire world in the future. there were these time traveling beings that witnessed the destruction he caused. so they went to a 'father time' figure and tried to get him to go back in time to prevent Danny from ever becoming 'Danny Phantom'. needlessly to say he didn't grant there request, instead he traveled back in the past and warned Danny of the event that was going to happen and sent him on the quest to stop it from happening. so, Danny along with his friends Tucker and Samantha travel back in time to stop the catastrophic event from taken place that put him on the path to become a super villian. i believe this was a special hour episode, and unfortunately through all of his efforts Danny could not stop the event from taken place. however, at the last minute the father time figure appears out of no where and rewinds time and stops the event from happening. this is where the lesson kicks in, after saving Danny, his family, and his friends the father time figure talks with him. he says to him that life is like a parade and that we (the individual) cannot see where the parade will go before coming to an end, but he (father time) has a perfect view from above and has the power and ability to see the parade from all sides and the many routes it can take before coming to an end. while this character was talking, i thought to myself...that's God! that's what the Lord does, he can see the many routes that are laid out for us and depending on the decisions we make during the course of the parade (our life) it will determine the direction the parade take before it comes to an end...and they say television is bad for you.

i for one, don't know the course my life may take--i just know that i have to see it through to the end. from dealing with the loss of my friend this past week, and not to mention the lives lost since the beginning of summer...it just reminds me, i'm still here. i have fought tooth and nail to make it this far, and i have worked damn hard not to let it all be in vain. like i stated in my last blog, God didn't create me and bring me this far just to leave me. i'm a blessed individual and i will continue to always walk with my head held high and just be light. i cannot let myself be weighed down by the bullshit that will pop up every now and again. one thing i've realized this summer is that life is too short and way too precious to let slip away. i honestly have a lot to make up for. i feel stupid for wasting all my time and energy constantly giving power to people and situations that don't warrant my attention at all. there is a quote on my wall that says: some people walk in the rain, others just get wet--THAT'S THE FUCK IT! sophia home now! i'll keep you posted, God bless.

i believe i've finally made it home

right now, i'm sitting in my cubicle on a beautiful saturday afternoon at my job (yes, i work on the weekends) reflecting on this past week's events. to be perfectly honest, i've actually had a good week. there were brief moments of conflict, but it was nothing that would mess up a week's worth of good. i woke up this morning in such a good way...nice and cool. for the past two days here in New York it has been free of humidity and the air has been nice and cool. i'm not sweatin' up a storm before i even get dressed, but don't get it twisted though...i'll be happy when summer is over, i can't wait for the fall/winter months to come. when i created this blog i was very ambivalent as to what i would talk about and how many times a week i would update it, and if anyone would even read it. the few people that read my first entry actually like what i had to say and were surprised at how frank i was...as if i would hold back. one close friend was happy that i took the step, but wasn't too happy at how honest i was about a particular incident that i talked about. things are settled now, and yes i do feel bad that i put our friendship to the test that way--it won't happen again. my life has been a series of ups and downs with twists and turns that would make an amusement park rollercoaster green with envy. i have to admit and give thanks to the Lord above that along the way i was so blessed to come in contact with a number of beautiful people. there has been a lot of people that i've encountered throughout my time living in the NYC as well as on this planet that have taught me many things. i have learned how to be my geniune self and at the same time still strive to be an even better version of myself...still learning because i have a ways to go. at the beginning of the week i was watching an episode of "Made" on MTV. i barely even rarely watch MTV, i was just flipping through the channels that early afternoon and i just happen to turn to that channel. the episode was about a girl who wanted to made into a cheerleader (i know, shut up), anyway her made coach took her to a gymnastics center to train with a gymnast. to say they worked this girl out is a understatement, they straight up whipped her ass. then the gymnast said something that was so profound to the girl, "success is in the journey". i was like wow...that is so true! this whole summer as well as months and years leading up to that day i have been feeling like such a failure. i can't even begin to tell you how long i have carried that feeling of utter disappointment in myself around. i would wake up with it in the morning, carry it around all day everyday and go to bed with it at night...it wore my ass out. for so long my dream was to move to the NYC and make my dreams come true by becoming a successful actor, singer (not so much), clothing designer, and entrepreneur. and don't get me started with the amount of men i was going to have falling at my feet. when things didn't go exactly according to plan, i just wanted to crawl up in the fetal position and die because i felt like all that i was working for and how far i've come at an early age was all in vain...i strongly felt and still do at times that my living was in vain. for such a long time i couldn't understand why would God create me and bring me so far just to keep going through trail after trail after trail. i can honestly tell you, that i have been pushed down so many times and treated badly by so many people who considered me less than because i wasn't on the level they were, like i was totally beneath them and never could ascend to the heights of their success. in that respect i felt like i was a failure, because i wanted to prove them wrong so badly i could taste it. i wanted to be able to say "look at me", "look at the success that is me", "i'm a star bitch". oh, not to mention how i would wish bad things on them which proved to be petty and futile. i learned and by visual aids was shown that the whole time i wasting all that negative energy on them wishing for their social and economic demise they were actually becoming more successful...ain't that some shit! that pissed me off even more. then i realized that i had to move on and get myself and situation together, because at the end of the day i had to keep a roof over my head, food on the table, and clothes on my back. i have a qoute taped on the wall in my apartment that says "when one door closes another door opens, but we don't realize it because we're so focused on the one that has closed". for such a long time i was standing still afraid to make a move in any direction, because i already knew what was going to happen--after having gone through it numerous times i could almost exactly predict when it would happen, and i'll be damned if it didn't. it was this fear that crippled me, because it didn't just stop me from moving forward with me life...it totally paralyzed me. i've prayed so many times...i shouldn't say pray, the better word to use is beg. i was on my hands and knees begging God to improve my situation. when things didn't get better, i honestly felt he gave up on me. i came to this city with so much passion and drive for what i wanted to do and become, i felt it draining away. the things i loved doing, i started not to love anymore. all because of the people i came in contact with and the negative affect i let them have on me. then little things started happening for me...little to me; however, in all actuallity they were big things. big or small it didn't matter to me, all that mattered was that things started happening for me. i got a job working for a company that dressed models backstage at the fashion shows during fashion week. that lead to an internship with a fashion television show, which not only gave me the knowledge as to what really goes on into creating a show for broadcast. not only was i learning about television production from the ground up, but i was finally in the industry i wished for since i was a teenager. i loved every minute of it, until that too came to a screeching halt. to be honest, i didn't have time to mourn it. with the ending of that, the company i worked for backstage increased the amount of money i was being paid along with the number of shows i got to work...so i was still working fashion week and getting paid more money to do so. so, i didn't have time to dwell on the door that closed--i was too focused on the new door that was standing in front of me wide open for me to walk right on through and i didn't waste any time going through it. i've recently split with that company this past february after 12 seasons (6 years). when our relationship ended, i was not upset in the least...if i was upset, i was extremely disappointed in the way it went down. that's spilled milk now, and i have to do what i've always done...move on. next month the spring/summer shows take place and i don't know if i'll be working any of them, but i have faith that something will materialize and i'll be back. to sum it up, because i just realized i'm talking way too much and this blog is becoming too long. throughout my journey i've realized that i'm still here. i know that may sound a little plain, but when you really think about it...i'm still here. all of the people that have done me wrong and tried their best to do me in--it didn't work, because i'm still here. i'm still here. when i was frying up some pork chops or washing dishes (can't remember) the other day, i was thinking to myself that there is a reason i'm here and my life must have some sort of value. i went on to say to myself, "trees and their leaves, clouds, clothes, cars, roaches, spiders, and all the fish in the sea have a value and purpose for being here. i'm no different. all that i have been through thus far and have yet to still encounter--i made it through and i'm still here. i'm too cerebral at times and this was one of those times, because after i was finished i sat down and thought to myself that maybe this was how it was supposed to be all along. maybe i'm supposed to be that person that everyone knew way back when i was waiting tables, selling make-up at rickys, working the front desk at the david barton gym, being the coat check girl at king, getting busy in the back room at the cock...(just kidding, never happened). maybe i'm supposed to be that person, and if that is my role...then so be it. i'm gonna ride that til' the wheels fall off. nobody in this world is meant to live a tortured life or be a tortured soul for that matter. maybe this is path i have to take to get to where i need to be, because whether i'd like to admit it or not--i've learned so much along the way. i'm still naive about a few things, but i have to learn from those situations and keep moving forward. this summer has been an eye opener and one big "Aha" moment for me. in that respect, i believe i've finally made it home. before i go, i was watching the reunion special of Rupaul's Drag Race on demand (love her), and she said something that touched my heart. "you have to believe deep in your core that you're a star, and don't let anyone ever try to tell you or make you believe different. because, when you know who you are and what you are...they can never come for you, you'll be like...bring it bitch...". the only thing i have to say to that is..."Sophia home now, thangs gonna be changin' round here". until next time, i'll keep you posted and God Bless.

will i ever be ready?

over the past few weeks, i've been thinking about my life and where i want it to go. i can't tell you but lately my money has been running out so fast on me. to tell you the truth i don't know how i do it from week to week, paycheck to paycheck. of course, i'm not the only one in the world going through this but it brings up the question...will i ever be ready for something big/life-changing (in a good way) to come my way? i moved to NYC back in 1997 to go to school and i just knew that it would change my life in every way i could imagine, and it did. over these past 12 years, i have done so much and seen just about everyone i've ever wanted to meet. i've been blessed in so many ways and yet i'm still struggling just to get by. over this past year i've been working on myself trying to improve my outlook on the life that i've been so blessed to have. i wouldn't say that i have been negative, but whenever something good came my way almost immediately or delayed something bad was following. this happened so many times to me i honestly thought i was cursed...i can't tell you how many times thoughts of suicide entered my head. they surface every now and again when i start to feel a little down about my situation. over this past summer i turned 32 years old, and i've never been in a relationship, i'm constantly broke (low on funds), and every time i seem to get slightly ahead i fall down. i read 'the secret' by robin byrne, 'the seven spiritual laws of success' by deepak chopra, and i'm currently in the middle of eckhart tolle's 'a new earth'. i didn't expect for my life or attitude to change over night, but i thought something major would've started to happen by now...i haven't given up hope, but i'll be lying if i told you that i wasn't close to just going to bed for the next three days. in all the books it's undisputable and the overwhelming theme is that the universe won't give you anything until you're ready for it...which prompted my question: "will i ever be ready for the God/universe to send a wonderful life-changing opportunity my way?" at the urging of a close friend of mine i went to a medium, clairvoyant, and seer a year ago who told me that things would be changing for me by the end of the 2008 year. when nothing happened and i mean nothing--i was pissed! and boy let me tell you, i damn near cursed his ass out...which he did not take to really well. to be perfectly honest, it was my fault. i was looking for a quick answer to all of my problems, and when i didn't get it...i lashed out. i don't know what tomorrow holds for me, but for now at least i learned that in this exact moment everything is as it should be. i wish for so many things, not only for myself but for those i love and care about deeply. will it ever happen...i don't know and couldn't begin to tell you. however, i'll keep you posted...