It’s been a long time (...a long time) since I last posted a blog. I don't want to say that I’ve been (totally) lazy, but I guess I can say I’ve honestly been busy. I don't want to waste any time trying to remember everything that's been happening over this past year...I’m sure I’ll briefly hit on a few things, but I can save that for later blogs.
I just recently celebrated my 35th birthday (wow...), and for the 1st time since I moved to NYC...I went out with friends/co-workers and celebrated my birthday. I don't want to be one of those people that blame the way they live their lives now on past situations from their childhood. however, in this instance I will say that growing up in my family...no one ever made an effort to do anything for me on my birthday, even saying "Happy Birthday" was an after thought and said in passing like "See Ya Later", or "Have A Nice Day". I started to not put much energy or joy into my birthday...nobody else seemed to be happy about it...so, why should I?
Over this past year I have become more thankful for the everyday blessings that God gives me on a daily basis. I’m thankful I got up this morning, I’m thankful I’m able to move about freely, and the list goes on and on. I realized after a series of events that regardless of how things are now for me...they could be far worse. 2 examples...1st, my neighbor that lived on the 2nd floor in my building died. He had a heart attack in his sleep the medic/coroner told my other neighbor, but the crazy part was that his body was there rotting/decomposing for over a month!! You can imagine the smell that started to overtake the building...OMG, I will never forget that smell for the rest of my life. Smell and dead body aside--what made me sad was the fact that no one came around looking for that man. No family members/friends/any type of loved one stopped by the building asking if we saw him...nothing. 2nd, this lady that worked in a building around the corner from my job was getting onto the elevator to go back to her office, and by a freak accident was decapitated when the elevator shot up unexpectedly. For the past 35 years I have been blessed with life, good health, common sense, and intelligence...how can I not be thankful for how far I’ve come. After these 2 incidents occurred I began to realize that I can't worry about what other people say or have said about me...people always have something to say about me. Or, this person or that person doesn't like me...I can't be bothered by the things that I don't have any control over. trying to understand (I’m still working on this one) why people do the things they do...and for some reason I just can't seem to get over trying to figure that out, even though I’ll never know. If I died today, I don't want my last thought to be about so and so said this about me, or did this to me...that's bananas. I know I can do better and be better. it just gets hard when you work so hard for so long and it seems like you either going around in circles, or it was all for nothing...because you're still in the same spot you began in. I guess the status for the time being will state "to be continued".
Another thing that happened to me this year was that I ended a friendship, and it looks like another might've possibly ended as well. I’m the type of friend that if I love you...I love you. I don't let just anyone into my life (anymore) that I feel is not worthy of my time, affection, and attention. I do want to say that just because I’m friendly with a person that doesn’t make us friends. I’m friendly because I’m a nice person and who knows...that person might end up being my friend. That being said, the close friends I do have and can count on are very few. I love them dearly and I consider them to be my family. The problem that had been occurring for some time was that I began to feel that I loved my friends more than they loved me...understand what I’m saying? I cared more about them than they cared about me. I still can't talk about this without tearing up (even right now as I’m typing this...my eyes are welling up). By no means am I saying that I should be the center of anyone's world. I’m well aware that the world does not revolve around me. However, when someone calls you once, twice, three times and is actually leaving voicemails...that person being called should return the phone call right?! If it's not that day, then maybe the next, or the day after that, or after that...surely by the end of the week...right?! Not 2, 4, or 6 weeks later...because I really need someone to tell me if I’m being unreasonable.
This one friend of mine who I just adored kept pulling disappearing acts on me. When I say disappearing acts, I mean 2 to 3 months and sometimes several months on end. I tolerated this because...I guess I felt obligated in a way. When I didn't have much money to feed myself, or get to work...he would help me out. I truly appreciated that he did that for me. I will say that it happened about 3 times, but just the fact that he did that meant something to me. However, when I call you (and you see my number on the caller id, or hear my voicemails) and you don't return my calls...it feels like a rejection...like I’m not worth your time. We would make plans to hang out, but on the day of he would mysteriously disappear and I can't get a hold of him--when he called though (sometimes really early in the morning) I needed to be up and ready to take the call. I don't want to go into all the things I did for him out of the respect of our friendship...cooked pasta, purchased birthday presents (never got me one), lent money, helped with job searches, and ran errands just to name a few. So once again, out of the respect I had for our friendship...I called him up (one of the few times he actually answered the phone) and gave him the courtesy of knowing why I was ending the friendship. I could've just stopped speaking to him, but truthfully...he wouldn't have even noticed. He tried to play me during the conversation (implying I was being dramatic), but I just told him out of the respect I had for him and our friendship...I just couldn't do it anymore. He didn't curse me out or yell at me...he sounded apologetic (even though he didn't apologize), and that was that.
To tell you the truth, I don't even know how to handle this situation. I’m seriously at a loss of words as to how to really describe this or what to make of it. I guess the only way is to tell the story. My best friend (no doubt about it...) who I’ve known since sophomore year in high school has stopped talking to me...just stopped. I don't know what I did or didn't do, what I said or didn't say...I have no clue as to why she just stopped talking to me. I was talking to one of my closest friends a while back about me feeling that I loved my friends more than they loved me. Just like the friend I recently spoke about (the above paragraph), it got to a point where I would call, then call, then call again...and my calls were going unanswered--it felt like I was having more of a relationship with the voicemail than with my friend. So I made a conscious decision to stop calling (this was about late February/early March) until I heard back from her. Needlessly to say, I haven't heard back from her. Her birthday was May 2nd and I made the decision not to call and wish her a Happy 35th Birthday. I wasn't being petty (to me at least...), but at the same time I didn't want to feel like (once again...) I loved her more than she loved me by reaching out once again to call her, when she did not make the effort (any effort at all...) to call me. my birthday just recently passed (3 weeks ago), and a I’d be lying if I said that a part of me wasn't hoping that I would get a phone call (I didn't...). So, I didn't get a phone call from her or the other guy...I really felt like crying. I felt like crying, because both friendships were extremely dear to me. Even though I ended the one friendship (not because I wanted to), but I still had some hope (being a bit dramatic) that he would've sincerely apologized for not being a good friend and wished me a Happy Birthday. My best friend, I thought she would've picked up the phone and wished me a Happy Birthday...I don't know.
I don't expect any of my friends (close or casual) to make me the center of their lives. However, when I call...1, 2, or 3 times--if you can't talk...okay, but at least give me the courtesy of acknowledging me by calling back saying "got your calls...sorry, but I can't talk now. I just wanted to call you back, and I’ll call you back as soon as things calm down"...is that too much like right?! I don't think that's asking too much for a friend to do. The thing is, I wouldn't do that to any of my friends...point, blank, period. Yet, a few of my friends think its okay to continue to play me to the left (so to speak). "I’ll get back to Troy later, he'll (me) always be there, he ain’t going nowhere...", and I can go on and on with this. I was talking to one of my closest and bestest girlfriends about this, and she told me that it's a shame that I was being treated like this by people I cared deeply for. She went on to say that "not everyone is going to love like you love." which is the truth, but to me...it boils down to rejection, not being worthy, or just loved enough to give your time or attention to.
I’ve dealt with rejection of all kinds during the course of my life. From not being picked for the kickball team in elementary school to never (NEVER...EVER EVER EVER...) been asked out on a date. I’ve learned a lot of lessons in my life, and a few that I seemingly keep having to learn over and over again...I’m just not getting it--I’m working on getting it the first time, and not the second or third time. So in some aspects of my life I’ve built up a pretty strong backbone, durable suit of armor, or tough skin...especially living in NYC where it's basically me against the world pretty much. However, certain things (like rejection) from the people you hold near and dear to your heart--just pierce right on through. For the past 15 years I’ve been living in NYC, I look to my friends as a source of comfort, joy, inspiration, and strength. I couldn't be there as much as I would've liked for my best-friend, because she lives in Ohio and I’m in NYC. It was much easier when she lived in CT, then I could hop on the Metro-North and go visit. She’s a mother (going on 3 years), full-time student in school to become a registered nurse, and also holding down a full-time job as well. I can understand her not having much time to talk (during the week), but asking for a few minutes to catch up on a Sunday morning or afternoon isn't much...at least not to me. I don't know if I’m too needy, but I just like to check in and see how the people I love are doing.
Unfortunately, the lesson I’m learning (once again...) is that I have to love myself a lot more (not in a vain or braggadocios way). Moreover, I can't seemingly fall to pieces (being extra when I say this) when people I care about don't pick up the phone to talk, or return my phone call (within a week). Like I said before at the beginning of this blog...I just got to let shit go and move on. I don't want die tomorrow unexpectedly (God forbid), and my last thoughts are that this one or that one didn't call me back...could you imagine?! Well, I’m 35 now and I still have a very long way to go to get to where I need/want/have to be. Still have a lot of unfulfilled dreams that need to come to fruition, so that is what I’ll be focusing on from now on. Won’t be dragging my feet anymore, or standing still hoping the heavens will open up and bestow all that I want upon me. Just remembered what Kevin Liles (former president of Def Jam Recordings and executive vice president of The Island Def Jam Music Group) said to one of the contestants on 'I Want to Work for Diddy'..."there are 3 types of people in the world. Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who things happen to." guess which one I want to be? Wish me luck...
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Monday, June 28, 2010
starting all over again...
it's been 5 months since i've written and updated my blog, but i'm back now and i have a lot (and i mean a lot) to talk about. first off, the reason(s) i haven't written in these past 5 months was...i honestly didn't know what to talk about. i was also being a bit lazy and enjoying the bit of good fortune that came my way. i realized before i began typing this blog was that it actually was helping me to get all of this (frustrations, unanswered questions, etc.) out. it was taking my mind off my troubles and gave me something to actually look forward to every week i updated my blog. i updated my blog every saturday when i was at work, because it was a good way of killing time on my shift and it made the day go by a little faster. well, i don't work on saturdays anymore and thus my updates suffered because i was enjoying finally having saturdays off after working them consistently for the past 7 years...can you blame me? anyway, where do I begin—let’s start at the beginning.
the beginning of this year started off way different that the previous ones before it. i was now 40lbs lighter (lost an additional 4lbs to the original 36lbs already lost), and my $50,000 student loan was no longer an issue because it was gone...still smiling about that one. next, my income tax refund check came and i was able to pay the outstanding bill balances on a few bills, get a cell-phone, by some new desperately needed jeans, and get a new television. after all of that was finished, i still had enough left over for groceries and to put the remainder in my checking and savings account. this may sound kind of odd to a few people, but i know i'm doing well when the cable and phone/internet is on, and there's food in the fridge. then i get the call from a woman i work with asking me if i was available and would be interested in working BET’s Rip The Runway 2010 with her. you know i said yes in a new york minute. the whole process took place after the fall/winter 2010 show season here in the city. i participated in the full production of the show...from beginning to the end, and i loved every minute of it. the only downer was that it happened during a snow storm--really a friggin' blizzard. i didn't mind one bit, because i was on a paid vacation and i won $100 from a scratch-off that i managed to hold onto through-out that week...that was amazing in itself. i met some very nice people and was a little loud in the process, but in the end i did a good job and didn't want it to come to an end. after all was said and done, the show when it aired was fabulous. it's just like working backstage at the fashion shows, when you see the show on television it's really smooth and everything's perfect on the outside, but you know what's really going on behind the scenes. if you couldn't tell, i had a really good time being a part of the production.
going into march was still good--i was still soaring high on the success from the previous months and enjoying my brand new 40-inch lcd television i purchased on sale...can you believe i went 5 months without a television? i actually did, because my last one just died on me in september. i had that set for almost 10 years, and i loved it as much as anyone could love a television. the funny thing about getting my television was that i had to wait for it, because the store ran out of them. they ordered more and all was right with the world...i won't go into the story about how i got it home…let’s just say i was very determined. then the truly unexpected happened to me…i got a job interview for an assistant position at Vogue magazine. i had been assisting a lady on photo shoots who works at Donna Karan, and she had mentioned to me that one of the top fashion editors at Vogue was looking for a new assistant, and she thought i would be perfect for the job. if it is at all even possible to say, i got excited and really scared at the same time. excited because she thought i was good enough to work at the magazine, and scared because i didn’t think i would be right for the job. not because i couldn’t handle the position, but because i didn’t look the part. i’m not the size i want to be, and i don’t have that good of a wardrobe selection, and there were some things i didn’t know what to do should i be asked to do them. looking back on it now as i’m writing this, the things i was let bother me were very trivial to say the least. right then and there whether i knew it or not…i got in my own way, and i blocked the blessing. needless to say i didn’t get the position—they didn’t even bother to call me or send me an email. all was still right with the world, but going into april—that’s when everything started to really change.
i can’t remember exactly, but the end of march early april i got some bad news from the payroll department at my job. two marshal’s office had contacted them wanting to put garnishments on my check. the news wasn’t all that bad; because they managed to talk them down to accepting $20 a week until the debt had been settled. like i’ve stated before in my previous blogs…money has always been a very serious issue with me, as it has been for a lot of people in this world. then, now fully into april i get my phone bill. now, i’ve managed to keep some money saved up in the bank thanks to my income tax refund, and i still had some in my checking account as well. when i opened up that envelope and saw the amount my phone bill was…i almost fell out. i immediately got on the phone and wanted an explanation as to why my bill was so high…again! It seems that my service was not fully restored like I thought it was. On the plan/package I had, it allowed me unlimited local, long distance, regional calls, and internet (dsl). They bundled the package all together and called it the Freedom Essentials package. Here’s where it gets very shady and under handed. For about 8 or 9 months my monthly phone bill has been $100 plus, and I have been struggling to pay it. With the package being what it was, it came to about $75 to $80 a month…okay, but now add on the $36 reconnect fee they charge when they restore your service—I was like okay. However, my bill stayed high even though I actually paid it off. What I was finally made aware of after so many months was that they partially restored my service…exactly. Since I was only making partial payments, they decided to partially restore my service and not mention it to me at all. This had been going on for about 8 to 9 months. When I asked why I was not told about this, the only thing the operator could say to me was “you should’ve read your bill”. This was why my bill was so high. everything in the package remained unlimited except the long distance…and they killed me on it so badly. My service had been disrupted yet again, and the bill was over $400. I took $100 out my checking and the $200 out of my savings to have the phone turned back on. I knew it would be a matter of time before the service was interrupted again, because of the remaining balance—then the reconnect fee, and the new charges that were yet to be added on. In one fell swoop all the money I had in my checking and savings was all gone. I didn’t mention to you that the cable bill still needed to be paid, and the new cell-phone I just purchased…that bill needed to be paid too. I don’t know how I did it, but I was right back where I started from 5 months prior…broke and needing to pay the bills.
May picked up where april left off…still broke, hungry, and now starting to become the person I was working so hard to leave behind. We were told at the job that we were getting a new insurance provider and we had to pick a plan that would best suit us and our needs. This meant more money was coming out of an already small paycheck. The two garnishments and now even more out to pay for the insurance…I was really feeling it, like I wasn’t really feeling it before. I would talk on the phone to my friends at night on the phone, and they would give me as much encouragement as they could. Throughout all the talks I was having, I was just so baffled. How did I end up back in the same spot yet again? I was so dumbfounded…I don’t even know what else to say about it. I don’t know if I’m saying it right, but life now feels like I’m going through the motions. I get up everyday, get dressed, go to work, and come home to do it all over again the next day. Within a 4 month time span I had gotten so tired again, and I kept praying for a divine intervention. In difficult times you always hear people say that “you shouldn’t give up, keep trying, and it’ll all work out in the end…” will it? When I started this blog, I was down and deeply depressed about my life or lack there of. I just don’t understand how I could work so hard the majority of my life and endured all I had to endure—just to get to this constant state of struggle. A co-worker of mine told me that God was preparing me for something great, and that through out this entire struggle I still have to remember how blessed I am. Here’s where the cancer in me comes into play. My brain understands what he was saying to me, but my heart is still longing for the fruits of my labor. June was coming and with it my 33rd birthday.
I’m a jovial spirit, and you can ask anyone that knows me if that’s true. I love to laugh and have a nice time. Unfortunately, those moments were starting to become few and far between once again. now we come to the month of June, and with it my 33rd birthday. I turned 33 last week and I’m still going through the motions of everyday life. I did have a breakthrough earlier this month. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine on the phone, and I was telling her how tired I was. That I was at the point where I just wanted things handed to me, because I didn’t want to work for them any longer. I don’t want to say that I’ve become a lazy person, but I don’t know what to do anymore. everything I’ve received in my life and all of my adult life I worked extremely hard for. Positions I held no matter how brief they were, I worked hard to get to that point. When I say no matter how brief they were—I mean, once I got the position…there was someone always there ready to cut my throat and take me out. I never understood that, and I still don’t to this day. I know it’s because they thought I was coming after their job and their position, but truth be told I was just happy not be sitting at a cubicle answering a phone taking a reservation for the car service. I don’t know if it was a blessing or a curse that people saw something in me that I didn’t see myself. I’m reading about that very thing in the book “The 48 Laws of Power”. In fact, that is law number 1 “Never Outshine The Master”. This month is quickly coming to an end as it always does, but this year has flown by. There are only 6 months left until the end of the year, and I decided to gather as much strength as I can and do my best once again to change my life and turn everything around. Earlier in the month I went to this psychic who has an office next door to the building I work in. one of the reasons I went to see her, was because whenever I saw her on the street she would say nice things to me. So, one day I was running early and I had $5 for the special she was giving and I figured why not. It was very interesting to hear the things she had to say about me and the path that I was on. She was dead on about a few things, one being that it seems I keep going in circles in my life. She told me not to worry though, in the next 3 to 4 months change would be coming my way. I don’t know if any of what she told me was true, but it did make me feel good to go and see her. She told me that she would like to continue to work with me, and all I kept thinking was “how much is this going to cost”?
I’m getting ready to march into July, and onto the path I have put myself on…that I committed to that would change my life once again. Throughout it all and up to this point, I have come to realize that I’m a truly blessed individual. I may not have all of the things I want in life, and I may not be in the place I want to be…but I’m still here. I truly believe deep in the core of my being, that there is a reason for me being here. I don’t know what it is and I may never know, but I have to see it through to the end. Until, then God Bless and I’ll let you know how it turns out.
the beginning of this year started off way different that the previous ones before it. i was now 40lbs lighter (lost an additional 4lbs to the original 36lbs already lost), and my $50,000 student loan was no longer an issue because it was gone...still smiling about that one. next, my income tax refund check came and i was able to pay the outstanding bill balances on a few bills, get a cell-phone, by some new desperately needed jeans, and get a new television. after all of that was finished, i still had enough left over for groceries and to put the remainder in my checking and savings account. this may sound kind of odd to a few people, but i know i'm doing well when the cable and phone/internet is on, and there's food in the fridge. then i get the call from a woman i work with asking me if i was available and would be interested in working BET’s Rip The Runway 2010 with her. you know i said yes in a new york minute. the whole process took place after the fall/winter 2010 show season here in the city. i participated in the full production of the show...from beginning to the end, and i loved every minute of it. the only downer was that it happened during a snow storm--really a friggin' blizzard. i didn't mind one bit, because i was on a paid vacation and i won $100 from a scratch-off that i managed to hold onto through-out that week...that was amazing in itself. i met some very nice people and was a little loud in the process, but in the end i did a good job and didn't want it to come to an end. after all was said and done, the show when it aired was fabulous. it's just like working backstage at the fashion shows, when you see the show on television it's really smooth and everything's perfect on the outside, but you know what's really going on behind the scenes. if you couldn't tell, i had a really good time being a part of the production.
going into march was still good--i was still soaring high on the success from the previous months and enjoying my brand new 40-inch lcd television i purchased on sale...can you believe i went 5 months without a television? i actually did, because my last one just died on me in september. i had that set for almost 10 years, and i loved it as much as anyone could love a television. the funny thing about getting my television was that i had to wait for it, because the store ran out of them. they ordered more and all was right with the world...i won't go into the story about how i got it home…let’s just say i was very determined. then the truly unexpected happened to me…i got a job interview for an assistant position at Vogue magazine. i had been assisting a lady on photo shoots who works at Donna Karan, and she had mentioned to me that one of the top fashion editors at Vogue was looking for a new assistant, and she thought i would be perfect for the job. if it is at all even possible to say, i got excited and really scared at the same time. excited because she thought i was good enough to work at the magazine, and scared because i didn’t think i would be right for the job. not because i couldn’t handle the position, but because i didn’t look the part. i’m not the size i want to be, and i don’t have that good of a wardrobe selection, and there were some things i didn’t know what to do should i be asked to do them. looking back on it now as i’m writing this, the things i was let bother me were very trivial to say the least. right then and there whether i knew it or not…i got in my own way, and i blocked the blessing. needless to say i didn’t get the position—they didn’t even bother to call me or send me an email. all was still right with the world, but going into april—that’s when everything started to really change.
i can’t remember exactly, but the end of march early april i got some bad news from the payroll department at my job. two marshal’s office had contacted them wanting to put garnishments on my check. the news wasn’t all that bad; because they managed to talk them down to accepting $20 a week until the debt had been settled. like i’ve stated before in my previous blogs…money has always been a very serious issue with me, as it has been for a lot of people in this world. then, now fully into april i get my phone bill. now, i’ve managed to keep some money saved up in the bank thanks to my income tax refund, and i still had some in my checking account as well. when i opened up that envelope and saw the amount my phone bill was…i almost fell out. i immediately got on the phone and wanted an explanation as to why my bill was so high…again! It seems that my service was not fully restored like I thought it was. On the plan/package I had, it allowed me unlimited local, long distance, regional calls, and internet (dsl). They bundled the package all together and called it the Freedom Essentials package. Here’s where it gets very shady and under handed. For about 8 or 9 months my monthly phone bill has been $100 plus, and I have been struggling to pay it. With the package being what it was, it came to about $75 to $80 a month…okay, but now add on the $36 reconnect fee they charge when they restore your service—I was like okay. However, my bill stayed high even though I actually paid it off. What I was finally made aware of after so many months was that they partially restored my service…exactly. Since I was only making partial payments, they decided to partially restore my service and not mention it to me at all. This had been going on for about 8 to 9 months. When I asked why I was not told about this, the only thing the operator could say to me was “you should’ve read your bill”. This was why my bill was so high. everything in the package remained unlimited except the long distance…and they killed me on it so badly. My service had been disrupted yet again, and the bill was over $400. I took $100 out my checking and the $200 out of my savings to have the phone turned back on. I knew it would be a matter of time before the service was interrupted again, because of the remaining balance—then the reconnect fee, and the new charges that were yet to be added on. In one fell swoop all the money I had in my checking and savings was all gone. I didn’t mention to you that the cable bill still needed to be paid, and the new cell-phone I just purchased…that bill needed to be paid too. I don’t know how I did it, but I was right back where I started from 5 months prior…broke and needing to pay the bills.
May picked up where april left off…still broke, hungry, and now starting to become the person I was working so hard to leave behind. We were told at the job that we were getting a new insurance provider and we had to pick a plan that would best suit us and our needs. This meant more money was coming out of an already small paycheck. The two garnishments and now even more out to pay for the insurance…I was really feeling it, like I wasn’t really feeling it before. I would talk on the phone to my friends at night on the phone, and they would give me as much encouragement as they could. Throughout all the talks I was having, I was just so baffled. How did I end up back in the same spot yet again? I was so dumbfounded…I don’t even know what else to say about it. I don’t know if I’m saying it right, but life now feels like I’m going through the motions. I get up everyday, get dressed, go to work, and come home to do it all over again the next day. Within a 4 month time span I had gotten so tired again, and I kept praying for a divine intervention. In difficult times you always hear people say that “you shouldn’t give up, keep trying, and it’ll all work out in the end…” will it? When I started this blog, I was down and deeply depressed about my life or lack there of. I just don’t understand how I could work so hard the majority of my life and endured all I had to endure—just to get to this constant state of struggle. A co-worker of mine told me that God was preparing me for something great, and that through out this entire struggle I still have to remember how blessed I am. Here’s where the cancer in me comes into play. My brain understands what he was saying to me, but my heart is still longing for the fruits of my labor. June was coming and with it my 33rd birthday.
I’m a jovial spirit, and you can ask anyone that knows me if that’s true. I love to laugh and have a nice time. Unfortunately, those moments were starting to become few and far between once again. now we come to the month of June, and with it my 33rd birthday. I turned 33 last week and I’m still going through the motions of everyday life. I did have a breakthrough earlier this month. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine on the phone, and I was telling her how tired I was. That I was at the point where I just wanted things handed to me, because I didn’t want to work for them any longer. I don’t want to say that I’ve become a lazy person, but I don’t know what to do anymore. everything I’ve received in my life and all of my adult life I worked extremely hard for. Positions I held no matter how brief they were, I worked hard to get to that point. When I say no matter how brief they were—I mean, once I got the position…there was someone always there ready to cut my throat and take me out. I never understood that, and I still don’t to this day. I know it’s because they thought I was coming after their job and their position, but truth be told I was just happy not be sitting at a cubicle answering a phone taking a reservation for the car service. I don’t know if it was a blessing or a curse that people saw something in me that I didn’t see myself. I’m reading about that very thing in the book “The 48 Laws of Power”. In fact, that is law number 1 “Never Outshine The Master”. This month is quickly coming to an end as it always does, but this year has flown by. There are only 6 months left until the end of the year, and I decided to gather as much strength as I can and do my best once again to change my life and turn everything around. Earlier in the month I went to this psychic who has an office next door to the building I work in. one of the reasons I went to see her, was because whenever I saw her on the street she would say nice things to me. So, one day I was running early and I had $5 for the special she was giving and I figured why not. It was very interesting to hear the things she had to say about me and the path that I was on. She was dead on about a few things, one being that it seems I keep going in circles in my life. She told me not to worry though, in the next 3 to 4 months change would be coming my way. I don’t know if any of what she told me was true, but it did make me feel good to go and see her. She told me that she would like to continue to work with me, and all I kept thinking was “how much is this going to cost”?
I’m getting ready to march into July, and onto the path I have put myself on…that I committed to that would change my life once again. Throughout it all and up to this point, I have come to realize that I’m a truly blessed individual. I may not have all of the things I want in life, and I may not be in the place I want to be…but I’m still here. I truly believe deep in the core of my being, that there is a reason for me being here. I don’t know what it is and I may never know, but I have to see it through to the end. Until, then God Bless and I’ll let you know how it turns out.
Monday, January 25, 2010
finally ready for the new year, and loving the new me
back once again, and ready for the new year and all that it has to bring. i wanted to wait awhile before writing this blog, because i wanted to see how things would be going and to see if i had the same energy i had exiting the old year and entering into the new one. like i wrote in my last blog for the end of the year, that i truly felt for the first time that i was finally in a position in my life to take on the new year. i don't want to go into the other things i wrote about, but i will say that this month alone things are starting to take shape for me. i know that it may sound kind of corny, but i'm feeling like my future is so bright...i gotta wear shades. it all goes back to what this seer told me a year ago--"troy, i see success surrounding you...you just have to get out of your own way". it took me almost a year to get out of my own way, but each day i'm getting better and better at it.
the biggest thing to happen to me that ended the year last month was that my student loans are completely gone...wiped the fuck out! for the past 10 years since i graduated from school i always knew i would have to pay that money back, but i always dreamed that by the time i reached my 30s...i wouldn't be worrying about paying back my student loan, because it would've already been taken care of. i'm realizing now the power of the universe and how in due time all things will work themselves out. i can vividly remember examples of this happening to me all time, but i was so caught up in the drama i was starring in..."my life"--the part had been cast and i was giving an oscar worthy performance. i have since learned that you can't force things to happen that are supposed to happen--they'll happen on their own and when it's supposed to happen...in the book i'm currently reading for the 2nd time "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" by Deepak Chopra, he calls this the "Law of Least Effort". over the summer i wrote Connecticut's Department of Children & Families asking them if they could help me with the loan payments. like i said before, i was so scared to write that letter, but once i decided that the worst thing they could say to me was no--i sent it out and gave it to God. when i got a reply from them and it didn't say no, but let's see what we can do. in that 90+ degree heat i was running around getting them every bit of paper they needed that would help them build a case for me. after all was said and done, when i tell you i gave it to God and didn't worry about it...i'm not lying to you one bit. i was happy if they would've given me $5, but all that work i did and put into it--my feelings would've been hurt if i was told no. when i started feeling that way, i would say a little prayer and tell God i'm not going to worry because i know you got me. when i was told to make the phone call to get the news i've been waiting for, and they said yes...talk about wanting to jump up and down on someone's couch. that let me know right there that i still had it in me to make things happen--i know i didn't do it all by myself, and i admit i totally went out on faith and it paid off.
i have to admit that since i created this blog and started writing, my mood and spirit has become much lighter and i'm so thankful for that. i had one of the biggest burdens lifted off of me and i can't help smiling at the oddest moments. don't get me wrong...there are still issues i'm currently dealing with and i would like to get them quickly resolved as i can, but as i'm learning that all things happen in due time and you have to accept things as they currently are. by doing so--it doesn't mean that you don't work towards the solution you're aiming for, but you don't have to be a beast about it either. in Chopra's book when he talks about "Law of Least Effort", he talks about "Acceptance". saying to yourself that you have to accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur. they are a number of things he talks about in the chapter, but as i mentioned he talks about "struggling against the moment". he states that "your acceptance has to be total and complete"--"i accept things as they are this moment, not as i wish they were". when you struggle against the moment and can't seem to accept things as they currently are in that specific moment, it causes a lot of stress, discomfort, and constant headaches. he also stated in the book and i was watching Oprah online her Best Life series, and she had Rev. Ed Bacon and Michael Bernard Beckwith saying this same exact statement more or less--"every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and this alertness to opportunities allows you to take this moment and transform it into a greater benefit". this is something i'm doing my best to work on, but to tell you the truth...i'm starting to see how it can be done. in a later chapter in Chopra's book in the chapter "The Law of Intention and Desire", he talks about how you can accept the present as it is, and manifest the future through your deepest, most cherished intentions and desires. i'm currently reading this book for the 2nd time, but i'm taking my time to fully understand the lessons within the pages. i sort of got it before, but was too caught up starring in my own drama. i get it now, and i'm doing my best to incorporate the teachings into my everyday life. to tell you the truth i'm actually doing good, and it can only get better.
earlier this month on the 6th i successfully completed 30 days on The Master Cleanse! i lost a total of 36lbs and i feel so good it's not funny. i would be lying to you if i said i didn't do the cleanse so that i could drop a few pounds, but i mainly did it because i felt so gross and my body was acting or doing what i needed it to do. i was so sluggish and for a long time i wasn't able to go to the bathroom like i wanted. when i say i couldn't go like i wanted, i mean i had not problem urinating, but when it came time for a bowel movement...my body wasn't letting go like i needed it to. the funny thing is, that other people in the office where i work at was having the same problem too. this cleanse was no joke...i got a bad cold halfway through it and couldn't seem to shake it. the purpose of the cleanse is to detoxify your body of all the impurities' in your system, so i couldn't take the vitamins i normally would to help get rid of the cold. as to be expected, i had my share of supporters and detractors throughout my time of doing the cleanse. a lot of people couldn't understand stand why i would do such a thing, because to them i looked fine. others thought i wouldn't last the initial two weeks that you have to do it. when the weight loss started to show, i got a lot of good spirited encouragement and a few people wanted to know how i was doing and how much longer i would continue on it. then there were those that would look at me out of the corner of their eyes and say things like "you're just going to put the weight back on when you start eating again". to my surprise, i just kept going and didn't let any of that stop me. i would look at videos on Youtube of people that were doing the same thing, and i actually started to feel like i can do this...i've done much bigger things than this before--this was nothing. i don't know if i've mentioned this before, but i have a quote on my wall by Goethe that says: "whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. boldness has genius, power, and magic in it". i didn't care for the salt water flush i had to do, but i did rather enjoy the laxative tea at night that i had to take. when i saw the stuff my body started to release...i just was amazed at what was coming out of me. i started eating solid foods again, and no i haven't gained back the full 36lbs that i lost. i gained 4lbs, but that was to be expected--i started eating more vegetables and i'm still carrying that energy right along with me that i ended the year with. i geniunely feel good, and even i can see the glow i have when i look in the mirror now at myself.
well, we're coming to end of the first month of the new year and i will say this--i don't know what tomorrow will bring for me, but i will meet it head on and not struggle against the moment...whatever it may be. i believe that i'm on the cusp of living the life i've always dreamed of to the fullest. i do know that i do have a purpose and the God has a purpose for me. i'm still finding my way, but in due time all things will be revealed and that patience is indeed a virtue. as always, i hope you enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it. i'll keep you posted if anything new should happen...God Bless.
the biggest thing to happen to me that ended the year last month was that my student loans are completely gone...wiped the fuck out! for the past 10 years since i graduated from school i always knew i would have to pay that money back, but i always dreamed that by the time i reached my 30s...i wouldn't be worrying about paying back my student loan, because it would've already been taken care of. i'm realizing now the power of the universe and how in due time all things will work themselves out. i can vividly remember examples of this happening to me all time, but i was so caught up in the drama i was starring in..."my life"--the part had been cast and i was giving an oscar worthy performance. i have since learned that you can't force things to happen that are supposed to happen--they'll happen on their own and when it's supposed to happen...in the book i'm currently reading for the 2nd time "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" by Deepak Chopra, he calls this the "Law of Least Effort". over the summer i wrote Connecticut's Department of Children & Families asking them if they could help me with the loan payments. like i said before, i was so scared to write that letter, but once i decided that the worst thing they could say to me was no--i sent it out and gave it to God. when i got a reply from them and it didn't say no, but let's see what we can do. in that 90+ degree heat i was running around getting them every bit of paper they needed that would help them build a case for me. after all was said and done, when i tell you i gave it to God and didn't worry about it...i'm not lying to you one bit. i was happy if they would've given me $5, but all that work i did and put into it--my feelings would've been hurt if i was told no. when i started feeling that way, i would say a little prayer and tell God i'm not going to worry because i know you got me. when i was told to make the phone call to get the news i've been waiting for, and they said yes...talk about wanting to jump up and down on someone's couch. that let me know right there that i still had it in me to make things happen--i know i didn't do it all by myself, and i admit i totally went out on faith and it paid off.
i have to admit that since i created this blog and started writing, my mood and spirit has become much lighter and i'm so thankful for that. i had one of the biggest burdens lifted off of me and i can't help smiling at the oddest moments. don't get me wrong...there are still issues i'm currently dealing with and i would like to get them quickly resolved as i can, but as i'm learning that all things happen in due time and you have to accept things as they currently are. by doing so--it doesn't mean that you don't work towards the solution you're aiming for, but you don't have to be a beast about it either. in Chopra's book when he talks about "Law of Least Effort", he talks about "Acceptance". saying to yourself that you have to accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur. they are a number of things he talks about in the chapter, but as i mentioned he talks about "struggling against the moment". he states that "your acceptance has to be total and complete"--"i accept things as they are this moment, not as i wish they were". when you struggle against the moment and can't seem to accept things as they currently are in that specific moment, it causes a lot of stress, discomfort, and constant headaches. he also stated in the book and i was watching Oprah online her Best Life series, and she had Rev. Ed Bacon and Michael Bernard Beckwith saying this same exact statement more or less--"every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and this alertness to opportunities allows you to take this moment and transform it into a greater benefit". this is something i'm doing my best to work on, but to tell you the truth...i'm starting to see how it can be done. in a later chapter in Chopra's book in the chapter "The Law of Intention and Desire", he talks about how you can accept the present as it is, and manifest the future through your deepest, most cherished intentions and desires. i'm currently reading this book for the 2nd time, but i'm taking my time to fully understand the lessons within the pages. i sort of got it before, but was too caught up starring in my own drama. i get it now, and i'm doing my best to incorporate the teachings into my everyday life. to tell you the truth i'm actually doing good, and it can only get better.
earlier this month on the 6th i successfully completed 30 days on The Master Cleanse! i lost a total of 36lbs and i feel so good it's not funny. i would be lying to you if i said i didn't do the cleanse so that i could drop a few pounds, but i mainly did it because i felt so gross and my body was acting or doing what i needed it to do. i was so sluggish and for a long time i wasn't able to go to the bathroom like i wanted. when i say i couldn't go like i wanted, i mean i had not problem urinating, but when it came time for a bowel movement...my body wasn't letting go like i needed it to. the funny thing is, that other people in the office where i work at was having the same problem too. this cleanse was no joke...i got a bad cold halfway through it and couldn't seem to shake it. the purpose of the cleanse is to detoxify your body of all the impurities' in your system, so i couldn't take the vitamins i normally would to help get rid of the cold. as to be expected, i had my share of supporters and detractors throughout my time of doing the cleanse. a lot of people couldn't understand stand why i would do such a thing, because to them i looked fine. others thought i wouldn't last the initial two weeks that you have to do it. when the weight loss started to show, i got a lot of good spirited encouragement and a few people wanted to know how i was doing and how much longer i would continue on it. then there were those that would look at me out of the corner of their eyes and say things like "you're just going to put the weight back on when you start eating again". to my surprise, i just kept going and didn't let any of that stop me. i would look at videos on Youtube of people that were doing the same thing, and i actually started to feel like i can do this...i've done much bigger things than this before--this was nothing. i don't know if i've mentioned this before, but i have a quote on my wall by Goethe that says: "whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. boldness has genius, power, and magic in it". i didn't care for the salt water flush i had to do, but i did rather enjoy the laxative tea at night that i had to take. when i saw the stuff my body started to release...i just was amazed at what was coming out of me. i started eating solid foods again, and no i haven't gained back the full 36lbs that i lost. i gained 4lbs, but that was to be expected--i started eating more vegetables and i'm still carrying that energy right along with me that i ended the year with. i geniunely feel good, and even i can see the glow i have when i look in the mirror now at myself.
well, we're coming to end of the first month of the new year and i will say this--i don't know what tomorrow will bring for me, but i will meet it head on and not struggle against the moment...whatever it may be. i believe that i'm on the cusp of living the life i've always dreamed of to the fullest. i do know that i do have a purpose and the God has a purpose for me. i'm still finding my way, but in due time all things will be revealed and that patience is indeed a virtue. as always, i hope you enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it. i'll keep you posted if anything new should happen...God Bless.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
closing one door, and ready to walk through the one that's opening before me
december is finally here, and not only does it signify that the end of the year is here--it also lets me look back on this past year and how very fast it flew by. like i wrote in my last blog, i'm actually looking forward and ready for the new year. i don't know if i'm making much sense, but for such a long time i've always found myself sitting and hoping for something better to come my way. i can honestly say that this was a learned behavior that happened over time. i became this way because it seemed to me that whenever i pointed myself in direction and started moving in the direction i was aiming myself at...for a lack of a better phrase, it would blow up in my face. i've encountered so much nastiness during my 12 years of living in NYC it's not funny. at one time i even started trying to make my light shine a little less so that i wouldn't piss anyone off...that didn't help, people would end up still being mad at me for some reason or other. the funny thing about this was, it would be the same people that told me they believed in me and knew i was going to be somebody big one day. i stood still, i didn't move in any direction. so i took this approach to my career as well as my life for several years, and to say that little came of it would be an understatement. so would it surprise you that i would actually get upset with myself when nothing would happen?! it got to a point that i was just worn out, because nothing was coming my way and when i went out to try and make things happen...they just didn't. i didn't know what to do with myself or my life anymore.
like i said before, i spent many years doing this and it just seemed to me that i wasn't moving forward at all. here's the thing and i hate to get all Godly on you, but He was moving me forward...not at the speed i wanted, but it was slowly happening and He made me aware of it. funny things happen when you're so caught up starring in your very own drama. at the beginning of this year i was hit hard by circumstances that effected us all job wise. to keep from laying off workers at my job, the powers that be decided to cut everyone's hours and reduced pay from 5-10%. talk about making even less money than i was making before, but when it was all said an done...i had to be thankful because at least i still had a job and was bringing home something. before any of that happened, during my favorite time of year (NYC Fashion Week) i got fired from the company i worked 6 years (12 seasons) for. to make a long story short, i upset a designer and she made a phone call and next thing i know...i was gone. when these things started happening, especially the second--i actually didn't freak out...i just went back to the old standby: "what's wrong with me?!" after years of being the "victim" i decided that i had to stand up and really stand tall. i have to become that person who makes things happen. yeah, i've taken chances in the past and yes they did blow up in my face, but i can't give up. 12 years ago i moved to NYC to make my dreams come true, i made that happen. everyday i get up to face the day to see what it brings. there are so many examples in my past of me, myself, and i making things happen. living in this city in this day an age that's not an easy task, but i'm doing it and doing the best i can. along the way i decided i wanted to rule this city. i realized that the hourglass i had dead set in mind wasn't running out of sand at all, but that i indeed still had time to make all of my dreams come true. i also realized that it doesn't happen when you want it to, but when you're truly ready...then the universe will open up and give it to you.
at the beginning of this month on the 8th, i decided to do the master cleanse...i'm on day 5 right now. i'm not going to lie to you--i'm not all that hungry, but off and on i'm thinking about the food i could be eating. i don't know how long i'm going to do this for. i would actually love to do it for 40 days, but we'll have to see what happens and take it as it comes. by me doing this, i've taken another step in the direction i want my life to go and yet again changed the course of the parade route. i feel good, i can't explain it...it's just a feeling of knowing that no matter what may or may not be happening in my life--it doesn't mean i'm any less of a person than the next, and i'm alright. i'm still blessed and i will have all that i want in need in due time...just as long as i am willing to work for it. i'll keep you posted, God Bless...
like i said before, i spent many years doing this and it just seemed to me that i wasn't moving forward at all. here's the thing and i hate to get all Godly on you, but He was moving me forward...not at the speed i wanted, but it was slowly happening and He made me aware of it. funny things happen when you're so caught up starring in your very own drama. at the beginning of this year i was hit hard by circumstances that effected us all job wise. to keep from laying off workers at my job, the powers that be decided to cut everyone's hours and reduced pay from 5-10%. talk about making even less money than i was making before, but when it was all said an done...i had to be thankful because at least i still had a job and was bringing home something. before any of that happened, during my favorite time of year (NYC Fashion Week) i got fired from the company i worked 6 years (12 seasons) for. to make a long story short, i upset a designer and she made a phone call and next thing i know...i was gone. when these things started happening, especially the second--i actually didn't freak out...i just went back to the old standby: "what's wrong with me?!" after years of being the "victim" i decided that i had to stand up and really stand tall. i have to become that person who makes things happen. yeah, i've taken chances in the past and yes they did blow up in my face, but i can't give up. 12 years ago i moved to NYC to make my dreams come true, i made that happen. everyday i get up to face the day to see what it brings. there are so many examples in my past of me, myself, and i making things happen. living in this city in this day an age that's not an easy task, but i'm doing it and doing the best i can. along the way i decided i wanted to rule this city. i realized that the hourglass i had dead set in mind wasn't running out of sand at all, but that i indeed still had time to make all of my dreams come true. i also realized that it doesn't happen when you want it to, but when you're truly ready...then the universe will open up and give it to you.
at the beginning of this month on the 8th, i decided to do the master cleanse...i'm on day 5 right now. i'm not going to lie to you--i'm not all that hungry, but off and on i'm thinking about the food i could be eating. i don't know how long i'm going to do this for. i would actually love to do it for 40 days, but we'll have to see what happens and take it as it comes. by me doing this, i've taken another step in the direction i want my life to go and yet again changed the course of the parade route. i feel good, i can't explain it...it's just a feeling of knowing that no matter what may or may not be happening in my life--it doesn't mean i'm any less of a person than the next, and i'm alright. i'm still blessed and i will have all that i want in need in due time...just as long as i am willing to work for it. i'll keep you posted, God Bless...
Sunday, November 29, 2009
tis' the season, to give thanks
and so it begins...another holiday season has landed smack dead in my lap. i used to only think of this time as a constant reminder of where i wasn't in my life and the constant lack of that i experienced since i moved to New York. with the beginning of this season, as with the past several months of me creating this blog i have been doing my best to change my thoughts about my life--constantly trying to see the positive in whatever comes my way. Dr. Michael Beckwith said on the Oprah show that using the word "trying" or phrase "trying to do", and i quote "only means you're failing with honor". since i heard him say that, i've started using the phrase "doing my best to". with that being said, i've been doing my best to keep my head held up high and moving forward despite the ongoing woes that pop in my life every now and again.
it's the end of November, and this past Thursday was Thanksgiving which means that Christmas is literally right around the corner. let's start with Thanksgiving, didn't get a chance to go home to spend the whole weekend with family like i want; furthermore, i thought i would a chance to go home tomorrow Sunday and i'm not going to be able to due to my lack of funds. it's okay, but what's going to make it difficult is breaking the news to my mother. she already called me early this morning wanting to know what time was i arriving, and when i told her that i was coming tomorrow (Sunday)...she took on this little disappointed voice and tried to guilt me into visiting a day earlier. she should know by now that that does not work on me...still, i don't want to hurt her feelings--as cold as i can be sometimes, i do have a heart. luck has it, i was contacted by a co-worker asking me if i wanted to work some extra hours Sunday since they were going to be short one person on the shift. "of course" i said, because not only will i make up two hours for leaving early this week, i'll be able to have some extra money to travel home...hopefully she'll understand.
as i stated earlier this time of year was always a constant reminder of the things i wanted and still didn't have. for instance, money--this year like last year i still don't have much...in fact i have very little. 2 1/2 months ago my television died, and shortly there after the cable service was "interrupted" (yet again). last week my phone/dsl service was also interrupted, and the amount of both bills combined with the fact that i have to purchase a new television...it hurts my heart. not to mention i doing my best to keep food in the refrigerator, and i'm still sewing patches on a pair of jeans that i really need to throw away. to top it all off, i still owe my landlord $1400 in back rent. okay, here's where the new way of thinking kicks in...are you ready?! starting with my landlord and back rent--at least i still have a roof over my head and he's not trying to evict me, and he's being very understanding about the whole thing. my patchy jeans, at least i have a pair to wear. they may not be designer or the best, but at least i have something...this too will pass and one day i will have a closet full of the best clothing money can buy. putting food into the refrigerator, at least i have a fridge to put food into and least i have something to eat. finally, as for the cable/television/phone/dsl...all in due time everything will be turned back on (yet again) and a new television will be purchased. sorry if i sound a bit sarcastic, but to be perfectly honest a person can't help but feel a bit overwhelmed or like a loser when things like this happen. on this front i'm working very hard to turn "trying" into "doing my best". there are a few things i will say that i'm immensely thankful for. one being that i still have a job that's keeping a roof over my head. two, i took a big chance at asking the state of connecticut's department of children and families to pay my student loans--and that paid off! they'll be cutting a check to wipe out the remaining amount of money i owe. after nine months of waiting and then unexpectedly falling into some overtime hours, I FINALLY GOT MY HAIR DONE!!! let me tell you right now...my hair is just too fierce! the perm took to it so well, and i got this whip action that i'm loving. finally, i have my health. it's so easy to take that for granted, but every morning i wake up...i'm happy.
for the first time in a long time, i'm actually ready to take on the new year. before, i was just sitting and waiting hoping against all odds that the new year would be better than the previous. this time i can't wait for it to begin. i know that i'll start off the new year with the student loans finally paid off, and it's just a matter of time before it's income tax time. so, things are looking on the up and up for me...i'm doing my best to see the lesson in every situation that arises. i know that i'm incredibly blessed and that i have a lot to be thankful for. i do still have all of my dreams that keep me going, and to tell you the God's honest truth...i finally believe that i can make them all come true one by one. my mind has been very ADD/Schizophrenic this past year, so for the new year i have to really work hard on calming it down and focusing all of my energy in the right direction and not take the approach of throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. i'm extremely "amped" up for the new year, and i believe for the first time that it will be very good to me--tough, but still good. I'll keep you posted, God Bless.
it's the end of November, and this past Thursday was Thanksgiving which means that Christmas is literally right around the corner. let's start with Thanksgiving, didn't get a chance to go home to spend the whole weekend with family like i want; furthermore, i thought i would a chance to go home tomorrow Sunday and i'm not going to be able to due to my lack of funds. it's okay, but what's going to make it difficult is breaking the news to my mother. she already called me early this morning wanting to know what time was i arriving, and when i told her that i was coming tomorrow (Sunday)...she took on this little disappointed voice and tried to guilt me into visiting a day earlier. she should know by now that that does not work on me...still, i don't want to hurt her feelings--as cold as i can be sometimes, i do have a heart. luck has it, i was contacted by a co-worker asking me if i wanted to work some extra hours Sunday since they were going to be short one person on the shift. "of course" i said, because not only will i make up two hours for leaving early this week, i'll be able to have some extra money to travel home...hopefully she'll understand.
as i stated earlier this time of year was always a constant reminder of the things i wanted and still didn't have. for instance, money--this year like last year i still don't have much...in fact i have very little. 2 1/2 months ago my television died, and shortly there after the cable service was "interrupted" (yet again). last week my phone/dsl service was also interrupted, and the amount of both bills combined with the fact that i have to purchase a new television...it hurts my heart. not to mention i doing my best to keep food in the refrigerator, and i'm still sewing patches on a pair of jeans that i really need to throw away. to top it all off, i still owe my landlord $1400 in back rent. okay, here's where the new way of thinking kicks in...are you ready?! starting with my landlord and back rent--at least i still have a roof over my head and he's not trying to evict me, and he's being very understanding about the whole thing. my patchy jeans, at least i have a pair to wear. they may not be designer or the best, but at least i have something...this too will pass and one day i will have a closet full of the best clothing money can buy. putting food into the refrigerator, at least i have a fridge to put food into and least i have something to eat. finally, as for the cable/television/phone/dsl...all in due time everything will be turned back on (yet again) and a new television will be purchased. sorry if i sound a bit sarcastic, but to be perfectly honest a person can't help but feel a bit overwhelmed or like a loser when things like this happen. on this front i'm working very hard to turn "trying" into "doing my best". there are a few things i will say that i'm immensely thankful for. one being that i still have a job that's keeping a roof over my head. two, i took a big chance at asking the state of connecticut's department of children and families to pay my student loans--and that paid off! they'll be cutting a check to wipe out the remaining amount of money i owe. after nine months of waiting and then unexpectedly falling into some overtime hours, I FINALLY GOT MY HAIR DONE!!! let me tell you right now...my hair is just too fierce! the perm took to it so well, and i got this whip action that i'm loving. finally, i have my health. it's so easy to take that for granted, but every morning i wake up...i'm happy.
for the first time in a long time, i'm actually ready to take on the new year. before, i was just sitting and waiting hoping against all odds that the new year would be better than the previous. this time i can't wait for it to begin. i know that i'll start off the new year with the student loans finally paid off, and it's just a matter of time before it's income tax time. so, things are looking on the up and up for me...i'm doing my best to see the lesson in every situation that arises. i know that i'm incredibly blessed and that i have a lot to be thankful for. i do still have all of my dreams that keep me going, and to tell you the God's honest truth...i finally believe that i can make them all come true one by one. my mind has been very ADD/Schizophrenic this past year, so for the new year i have to really work hard on calming it down and focusing all of my energy in the right direction and not take the approach of throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. i'm extremely "amped" up for the new year, and i believe for the first time that it will be very good to me--tough, but still good. I'll keep you posted, God Bless.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
taking chances
i haven't written these past several weeks, because i honestly didn't know what to write about. i didn't just want to write about any old thing that came into my mind...not that i've done that since creating this blog. i've tried to do my best to be as honest (maybe too honest) about letting you know what's going in my life at that particular time. a few weeks ago i was going to write about my problem with men (lack of), and it started out a little funny--then i thought...i've talked about this subject for too damn long for so many years. then, i decided to let my topics/subjects just come to me naturally and not force them. it has taken a while, but i've collected my thoughts and now i'm ready to let you know what's going on.
over these past several weeks i've been doing my best to become the kind of person that makes things happen, instead of being the person that watches things happen and also the person that things happen to. little by little i've been moving in that direction, and trying my hardest not to be discouraged over the fact that things aren't happening at the rate i want them to. the first thing i did was a big one--i wrote a letter to the state of connecticut's department of childrens and families (ACS in new york) asking them if they could and would pay my student loan. i didn't think they would even entertain such a notion to even do so, but one day when i came home from work--there was a letting addressed to me from them waiting in my mailbox. i was so prepared for the no that i just knew they were going to give me, but what i got instead was a "please call me". it was from a lady in the ombudsman office, and she was assigned to review my request. over the course of the entire summer i cannot tell you busy i was running back and forth collecting all of the information she needed me to get for her so she could build a good case for me. i gave her the last bit of paperwork she requested of me at the very end of august...now, all that was left for me was to wait. it was towards the end of september i got email that said "call me right away, i have some news for you". up until now i was so ready for the "no" that i knew i was going to get. now, i was emotionally invested because of all that work and running around i did. all those late night prayers to God asking for me to at least get something ($1, $5, $100, $500), it would not matter to me--just to get something would've been a huge accomplishment. i did tell myself that if they said no, at least i did my best--even though it would've sucked big time. the next morning i woke up and i waited a bit before i called, because i wanted to give her time to get in and get settled. when she picked up i was so scared and nervous, but the weird thing was...i had a bit of calm come over me too! then she said those words "we're going to pay your loans". i didn't know what to say, because she was so calm about it and she said it so matter of fact that i thought she was playing. she went on to say that i should have never and did not need to take out any student loans whatsoever, that i was badly advised by my social worker. baby, talk about wanting to jump up and down on someone's couch! let me tell you something, those muthafucker's snatched my income tax refund one year, garnished my check twice (was waiting on 5 check stubs to send them), and now for that to be over...ARE YOU KIDDING ME! i took a chance and it worked out for me.
one of my favorite things in the world besides gay porn (LOL!), are these quotable cards that you can buy. they have the best quotes on them ranging from pulitzer prize winning authors, major historical figures, philosophers, and actors (actresses included). the majority of the ones that i have taped to the wall of my apartment talk about taking chances (that's where the topic of this blog comes from). taking that all important chance that can improve your life for the better or worse depending on the outcome, but like the great Bea Arthur's character Dorothy Zbornak said to Betty White's Rose Nyland on the Golden Girls..."you never know unless you go for it".
i haven't been pleased with my job for such a long time. i came to this city (NYC) 12 years ago to go to NYU and become a famous actor. things haven't worked out quite like i have wished they would. however, i took that chance and i honestly say, my life is the better for it. through all the tears and pain, ups and downs...i shudder to think that i wouldn't change a thing if i had it to do all over again. it took a long time to find this place, and like i said a few blogs ago--i believe i've finally made it home. so, back to the job...i started sending out my resumes to various job listings i feel that i would be perfect for. i have been standing so still when it came time to looking for employment. i haven't looked for a new job in so long, because i've been so embarrassed by the fact that i don't look the way i want to look. i'm not as thin as i want to be and my wardrobe isn't as vast or exact as i need or want it to be. the chance i took was putting my self out there any way. i figure they can hire me and after a few paychecks i would be able to start buying the clothes i want to wear and be able to afford that gym membership that i want so badly, get on the track of getting my body back to the way it used to be...nice and tight. i haven't gotten any responses back from any of the job listings i found, and yes i was disappointed by that. then i thought to myself, that i'm not in fighting form. if i really want this, i'm going to have to work hard for it...no matter what. i did fantasize that my dream job/career would drop into my lap, and that's just not happening. so i really need to commit to becoming that person who truly makes things happen. i believe that i have that person in me, and he just got lost in all the drama that i found myself so caught up in. he's still there waiting for me to get it together and realize that i through the power of the Lord Almighty can be anything and can almost do anything.
with one more month to go until the end of the year, you cannot help but notice how damn fast 2009 has gone by. throughout the course of this new year, i have worked so hard and made one of my a dreams become a reality. i'm afraid a bit to say that i'm ready for 2010, and to see what it has in store for me. one thing i realized about me is that even though i feel like i'm dragging my feet at times, i'm still moving forward. i don't know how things will turn out with the end of the year fast approaching, but i'll keep you posted...God Bless.
over these past several weeks i've been doing my best to become the kind of person that makes things happen, instead of being the person that watches things happen and also the person that things happen to. little by little i've been moving in that direction, and trying my hardest not to be discouraged over the fact that things aren't happening at the rate i want them to. the first thing i did was a big one--i wrote a letter to the state of connecticut's department of childrens and families (ACS in new york) asking them if they could and would pay my student loan. i didn't think they would even entertain such a notion to even do so, but one day when i came home from work--there was a letting addressed to me from them waiting in my mailbox. i was so prepared for the no that i just knew they were going to give me, but what i got instead was a "please call me". it was from a lady in the ombudsman office, and she was assigned to review my request. over the course of the entire summer i cannot tell you busy i was running back and forth collecting all of the information she needed me to get for her so she could build a good case for me. i gave her the last bit of paperwork she requested of me at the very end of august...now, all that was left for me was to wait. it was towards the end of september i got email that said "call me right away, i have some news for you". up until now i was so ready for the "no" that i knew i was going to get. now, i was emotionally invested because of all that work and running around i did. all those late night prayers to God asking for me to at least get something ($1, $5, $100, $500), it would not matter to me--just to get something would've been a huge accomplishment. i did tell myself that if they said no, at least i did my best--even though it would've sucked big time. the next morning i woke up and i waited a bit before i called, because i wanted to give her time to get in and get settled. when she picked up i was so scared and nervous, but the weird thing was...i had a bit of calm come over me too! then she said those words "we're going to pay your loans". i didn't know what to say, because she was so calm about it and she said it so matter of fact that i thought she was playing. she went on to say that i should have never and did not need to take out any student loans whatsoever, that i was badly advised by my social worker. baby, talk about wanting to jump up and down on someone's couch! let me tell you something, those muthafucker's snatched my income tax refund one year, garnished my check twice (was waiting on 5 check stubs to send them), and now for that to be over...ARE YOU KIDDING ME! i took a chance and it worked out for me.
one of my favorite things in the world besides gay porn (LOL!), are these quotable cards that you can buy. they have the best quotes on them ranging from pulitzer prize winning authors, major historical figures, philosophers, and actors (actresses included). the majority of the ones that i have taped to the wall of my apartment talk about taking chances (that's where the topic of this blog comes from). taking that all important chance that can improve your life for the better or worse depending on the outcome, but like the great Bea Arthur's character Dorothy Zbornak said to Betty White's Rose Nyland on the Golden Girls..."you never know unless you go for it".
i haven't been pleased with my job for such a long time. i came to this city (NYC) 12 years ago to go to NYU and become a famous actor. things haven't worked out quite like i have wished they would. however, i took that chance and i honestly say, my life is the better for it. through all the tears and pain, ups and downs...i shudder to think that i wouldn't change a thing if i had it to do all over again. it took a long time to find this place, and like i said a few blogs ago--i believe i've finally made it home. so, back to the job...i started sending out my resumes to various job listings i feel that i would be perfect for. i have been standing so still when it came time to looking for employment. i haven't looked for a new job in so long, because i've been so embarrassed by the fact that i don't look the way i want to look. i'm not as thin as i want to be and my wardrobe isn't as vast or exact as i need or want it to be. the chance i took was putting my self out there any way. i figure they can hire me and after a few paychecks i would be able to start buying the clothes i want to wear and be able to afford that gym membership that i want so badly, get on the track of getting my body back to the way it used to be...nice and tight. i haven't gotten any responses back from any of the job listings i found, and yes i was disappointed by that. then i thought to myself, that i'm not in fighting form. if i really want this, i'm going to have to work hard for it...no matter what. i did fantasize that my dream job/career would drop into my lap, and that's just not happening. so i really need to commit to becoming that person who truly makes things happen. i believe that i have that person in me, and he just got lost in all the drama that i found myself so caught up in. he's still there waiting for me to get it together and realize that i through the power of the Lord Almighty can be anything and can almost do anything.
with one more month to go until the end of the year, you cannot help but notice how damn fast 2009 has gone by. throughout the course of this new year, i have worked so hard and made one of my a dreams become a reality. i'm afraid a bit to say that i'm ready for 2010, and to see what it has in store for me. one thing i realized about me is that even though i feel like i'm dragging my feet at times, i'm still moving forward. i don't know how things will turn out with the end of the year fast approaching, but i'll keep you posted...God Bless.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
the changing of the seasons
i have been very distracted and lazy over these past several weeks, that's why i haven't written my blog. i know if i'm going to committ to do this, i have to stay on top of it. so...let's start with the obvious, the cold air is here and i'm enjoying every minute of it. this time of year always always puts a smile on my face. mainly because i don't have to worry about sweating to death anymore and my clothes sticking to me. the funny thing is i was actually born at the beginning of summer many years ago, and when i was younger i really enjoyed the summer time--i guess that was because of the vacation away from school. now that i've gotten older i can't wait for it to be over, so that the cold air can come on through and do what it do. the irony of me loving all of this cold air is that i love to be all bundled up and nice and warm, and in the house with the heat on...not blasting though.
now, i can't really say that my laziness contributed to the reason that i've haven't written in a while...it's mostly been all distraction. i've been concentrating on getting a really important goal of mine accomplished these past several weeks. i can't tell you what it is exactly until all is said and done. i will say that it has to do with my finances and i took such a giant leap forward out of the red that it ain't even funny...i'm still in the red though, but not as bad as i was once this goes through. i can't even begin to tell you how hard i worked over the summer on this and the anticipation of it coming to fruition--it's nothing short of amazing. the timing of it was pefect too...i just went in for an interview for low-income housing for a building that's litterly being constructed a few blocks away from me in my neighborhood. they turned me down saying that i make too much money to meet the guidelines for qualification. i won't go into the whole back story and how long they kept me waiting in that lobby just to tell me that i make too much money. needlessly to say i was heated walking out that office building. when i checked my email account later that night to see if i had any emails, i got the message to make that long awaited phone call to get the answer i've been waiting all summer long for. i called the next day and got the answer i've been praying so hard for. i cannot begin to tell you how good God is!
i have to back up a bit and tell you what actually happened earlier in september during new york fashion week. okay, here's a bit of the back story--i was fired last february from the backstage management company that i worked the past 6 years for. i got hired by another company that is run by the same lady that hired me 6 years ago to work for the other company. she left the company officially last season too, and decided to start her own company. child, it was a bunch of mess--between the both of us depending on who you speak to from the other company. i will honestly say that i thought that she would have a good amount of shows to work; however, that was not the case. when i got my show assignments...i only got two shows. i was disappointed to tell you the truth, but i also knew that i couldn't be. she's just starting her company and of course there's a lot of competition out there that she now has to compete with. i just allowed myself to believe for a short minute or two that i would have a good number of shows. then i realized that she's starting out and would have to work her way up to a good number of shows again--i know she can do it though.
i always take a vacation during new york fashion week for the fall/winter and spring/summer seasons, and it seems the time i was gone from work--THE SHIT HIT THE FAN HONEY! leading up to my vacation, i had that feeling that you always get when you just want it to come and just get here. this time this feeling was really intense...i almost can't describe it, but it felt like to me that something was about to happen and i knew i had to get away. i'm so happy that i was on vacation and didn't see anything go down, but let me tell you i heard about it. on the one hand i'm happy that i wasn't here, but on the other hand i wish i was able to see it go down. now, i know that's not right to want to see the "greasiness" of it all, but DAMN can't i live a little. after all was said and done, i was really sad because it involved a person i cared a great deal for...and i didn't want to see that happen.
while i was on vacation--the worst possible...excuse me, one of the worst possible things that could've happened happened. MY TELEVISION DIED ON ME! i woke up that morning and watched a little bit of television and everything seemed to be okay. i turned it off because i had to go into the city to pick up and deposit my paycheck and do a little grocery shopping on my way home. everything was going according to plan, and i even stopped at the corner store to get a sub and some snacks before i went into the house. Housewives of Atlanta was getting ready to come on and i made it back home in time to set every thing up. my sandwich was nice and hot, my soda was ice cold, and when i went to turn on the television...it was dead. i like to fall the fuck out right there in front of it. my television has been with me for the past 10 years, and it has been with me through so much. through all the ups and downs, twists and turns...i could always count on my television. if that wasn't enough, my telephone service was interrupted and the cable got turned off...again. in the past, i always rushed to get my cable turned back on--this time i decided to give my phone the attention it deserved. when i got my paycheck that thursday, i went out and got my phone turned back on. i always give love to the cable, but i have my internet through my phone (DSL) and it's a bitch to set back up if your phone has been disconnected for a while...and, it wouldn't have made much sense to pay the cable bill without a television to watch it on. so, since the beginning of september up to now i've been without a television. my saving grace has been my laptop, at least with it i can watch things on the internet and watch my dvds. i'll get another television soon, when i save up enough money and my cable will be turned back on again soon too. right now money is a little more tighter than it has been, but i know and have faith that it will get better.
these past 10 months have tested my endurance and faith like nobody's business. i've been through a lot in my life and "they" always say that God never gives you more than you can handle. i don't know what i'm being prepared for, but i'll tell you this...i will be so happy when i won't have to struggle like this anymore. i guess it all boils down to the journey that we all have been destined to take during our lives. have i reached the promise land, no--will i ever? who knows, all i know is that i have to keep my eyes fixed on my objectives and be open to the opportunities that come my way. i'll keep you posted, God bless.
now, i can't really say that my laziness contributed to the reason that i've haven't written in a while...it's mostly been all distraction. i've been concentrating on getting a really important goal of mine accomplished these past several weeks. i can't tell you what it is exactly until all is said and done. i will say that it has to do with my finances and i took such a giant leap forward out of the red that it ain't even funny...i'm still in the red though, but not as bad as i was once this goes through. i can't even begin to tell you how hard i worked over the summer on this and the anticipation of it coming to fruition--it's nothing short of amazing. the timing of it was pefect too...i just went in for an interview for low-income housing for a building that's litterly being constructed a few blocks away from me in my neighborhood. they turned me down saying that i make too much money to meet the guidelines for qualification. i won't go into the whole back story and how long they kept me waiting in that lobby just to tell me that i make too much money. needlessly to say i was heated walking out that office building. when i checked my email account later that night to see if i had any emails, i got the message to make that long awaited phone call to get the answer i've been waiting all summer long for. i called the next day and got the answer i've been praying so hard for. i cannot begin to tell you how good God is!
i have to back up a bit and tell you what actually happened earlier in september during new york fashion week. okay, here's a bit of the back story--i was fired last february from the backstage management company that i worked the past 6 years for. i got hired by another company that is run by the same lady that hired me 6 years ago to work for the other company. she left the company officially last season too, and decided to start her own company. child, it was a bunch of mess--between the both of us depending on who you speak to from the other company. i will honestly say that i thought that she would have a good amount of shows to work; however, that was not the case. when i got my show assignments...i only got two shows. i was disappointed to tell you the truth, but i also knew that i couldn't be. she's just starting her company and of course there's a lot of competition out there that she now has to compete with. i just allowed myself to believe for a short minute or two that i would have a good number of shows. then i realized that she's starting out and would have to work her way up to a good number of shows again--i know she can do it though.
i always take a vacation during new york fashion week for the fall/winter and spring/summer seasons, and it seems the time i was gone from work--THE SHIT HIT THE FAN HONEY! leading up to my vacation, i had that feeling that you always get when you just want it to come and just get here. this time this feeling was really intense...i almost can't describe it, but it felt like to me that something was about to happen and i knew i had to get away. i'm so happy that i was on vacation and didn't see anything go down, but let me tell you i heard about it. on the one hand i'm happy that i wasn't here, but on the other hand i wish i was able to see it go down. now, i know that's not right to want to see the "greasiness" of it all, but DAMN can't i live a little. after all was said and done, i was really sad because it involved a person i cared a great deal for...and i didn't want to see that happen.
while i was on vacation--the worst possible...excuse me, one of the worst possible things that could've happened happened. MY TELEVISION DIED ON ME! i woke up that morning and watched a little bit of television and everything seemed to be okay. i turned it off because i had to go into the city to pick up and deposit my paycheck and do a little grocery shopping on my way home. everything was going according to plan, and i even stopped at the corner store to get a sub and some snacks before i went into the house. Housewives of Atlanta was getting ready to come on and i made it back home in time to set every thing up. my sandwich was nice and hot, my soda was ice cold, and when i went to turn on the television...it was dead. i like to fall the fuck out right there in front of it. my television has been with me for the past 10 years, and it has been with me through so much. through all the ups and downs, twists and turns...i could always count on my television. if that wasn't enough, my telephone service was interrupted and the cable got turned off...again. in the past, i always rushed to get my cable turned back on--this time i decided to give my phone the attention it deserved. when i got my paycheck that thursday, i went out and got my phone turned back on. i always give love to the cable, but i have my internet through my phone (DSL) and it's a bitch to set back up if your phone has been disconnected for a while...and, it wouldn't have made much sense to pay the cable bill without a television to watch it on. so, since the beginning of september up to now i've been without a television. my saving grace has been my laptop, at least with it i can watch things on the internet and watch my dvds. i'll get another television soon, when i save up enough money and my cable will be turned back on again soon too. right now money is a little more tighter than it has been, but i know and have faith that it will get better.
these past 10 months have tested my endurance and faith like nobody's business. i've been through a lot in my life and "they" always say that God never gives you more than you can handle. i don't know what i'm being prepared for, but i'll tell you this...i will be so happy when i won't have to struggle like this anymore. i guess it all boils down to the journey that we all have been destined to take during our lives. have i reached the promise land, no--will i ever? who knows, all i know is that i have to keep my eyes fixed on my objectives and be open to the opportunities that come my way. i'll keep you posted, God bless.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
