december is finally here, and not only does it signify that the end of the year is here--it also lets me look back on this past year and how very fast it flew by. like i wrote in my last blog, i'm actually looking forward and ready for the new year. i don't know if i'm making much sense, but for such a long time i've always found myself sitting and hoping for something better to come my way. i can honestly say that this was a learned behavior that happened over time. i became this way because it seemed to me that whenever i pointed myself in direction and started moving in the direction i was aiming myself at...for a lack of a better phrase, it would blow up in my face. i've encountered so much nastiness during my 12 years of living in NYC it's not funny. at one time i even started trying to make my light shine a little less so that i wouldn't piss anyone off...that didn't help, people would end up still being mad at me for some reason or other. the funny thing about this was, it would be the same people that told me they believed in me and knew i was going to be somebody big one day. i stood still, i didn't move in any direction. so i took this approach to my career as well as my life for several years, and to say that little came of it would be an understatement. so would it surprise you that i would actually get upset with myself when nothing would happen?! it got to a point that i was just worn out, because nothing was coming my way and when i went out to try and make things happen...they just didn't. i didn't know what to do with myself or my life anymore.
like i said before, i spent many years doing this and it just seemed to me that i wasn't moving forward at all. here's the thing and i hate to get all Godly on you, but He was moving me forward...not at the speed i wanted, but it was slowly happening and He made me aware of it. funny things happen when you're so caught up starring in your very own drama. at the beginning of this year i was hit hard by circumstances that effected us all job wise. to keep from laying off workers at my job, the powers that be decided to cut everyone's hours and reduced pay from 5-10%. talk about making even less money than i was making before, but when it was all said an done...i had to be thankful because at least i still had a job and was bringing home something. before any of that happened, during my favorite time of year (NYC Fashion Week) i got fired from the company i worked 6 years (12 seasons) for. to make a long story short, i upset a designer and she made a phone call and next thing i know...i was gone. when these things started happening, especially the second--i actually didn't freak out...i just went back to the old standby: "what's wrong with me?!" after years of being the "victim" i decided that i had to stand up and really stand tall. i have to become that person who makes things happen. yeah, i've taken chances in the past and yes they did blow up in my face, but i can't give up. 12 years ago i moved to NYC to make my dreams come true, i made that happen. everyday i get up to face the day to see what it brings. there are so many examples in my past of me, myself, and i making things happen. living in this city in this day an age that's not an easy task, but i'm doing it and doing the best i can. along the way i decided i wanted to rule this city. i realized that the hourglass i had dead set in mind wasn't running out of sand at all, but that i indeed still had time to make all of my dreams come true. i also realized that it doesn't happen when you want it to, but when you're truly ready...then the universe will open up and give it to you.
at the beginning of this month on the 8th, i decided to do the master cleanse...i'm on day 5 right now. i'm not going to lie to you--i'm not all that hungry, but off and on i'm thinking about the food i could be eating. i don't know how long i'm going to do this for. i would actually love to do it for 40 days, but we'll have to see what happens and take it as it comes. by me doing this, i've taken another step in the direction i want my life to go and yet again changed the course of the parade route. i feel good, i can't explain it...it's just a feeling of knowing that no matter what may or may not be happening in my life--it doesn't mean i'm any less of a person than the next, and i'm alright. i'm still blessed and i will have all that i want in need in due time...just as long as i am willing to work for it. i'll keep you posted, God Bless...
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
tis' the season, to give thanks
and so it begins...another holiday season has landed smack dead in my lap. i used to only think of this time as a constant reminder of where i wasn't in my life and the constant lack of that i experienced since i moved to New York. with the beginning of this season, as with the past several months of me creating this blog i have been doing my best to change my thoughts about my life--constantly trying to see the positive in whatever comes my way. Dr. Michael Beckwith said on the Oprah show that using the word "trying" or phrase "trying to do", and i quote "only means you're failing with honor". since i heard him say that, i've started using the phrase "doing my best to". with that being said, i've been doing my best to keep my head held up high and moving forward despite the ongoing woes that pop in my life every now and again.
it's the end of November, and this past Thursday was Thanksgiving which means that Christmas is literally right around the corner. let's start with Thanksgiving, didn't get a chance to go home to spend the whole weekend with family like i want; furthermore, i thought i would a chance to go home tomorrow Sunday and i'm not going to be able to due to my lack of funds. it's okay, but what's going to make it difficult is breaking the news to my mother. she already called me early this morning wanting to know what time was i arriving, and when i told her that i was coming tomorrow (Sunday)...she took on this little disappointed voice and tried to guilt me into visiting a day earlier. she should know by now that that does not work on me...still, i don't want to hurt her feelings--as cold as i can be sometimes, i do have a heart. luck has it, i was contacted by a co-worker asking me if i wanted to work some extra hours Sunday since they were going to be short one person on the shift. "of course" i said, because not only will i make up two hours for leaving early this week, i'll be able to have some extra money to travel home...hopefully she'll understand.
as i stated earlier this time of year was always a constant reminder of the things i wanted and still didn't have. for instance, money--this year like last year i still don't have much...in fact i have very little. 2 1/2 months ago my television died, and shortly there after the cable service was "interrupted" (yet again). last week my phone/dsl service was also interrupted, and the amount of both bills combined with the fact that i have to purchase a new television...it hurts my heart. not to mention i doing my best to keep food in the refrigerator, and i'm still sewing patches on a pair of jeans that i really need to throw away. to top it all off, i still owe my landlord $1400 in back rent. okay, here's where the new way of thinking kicks in...are you ready?! starting with my landlord and back rent--at least i still have a roof over my head and he's not trying to evict me, and he's being very understanding about the whole thing. my patchy jeans, at least i have a pair to wear. they may not be designer or the best, but at least i have something...this too will pass and one day i will have a closet full of the best clothing money can buy. putting food into the refrigerator, at least i have a fridge to put food into and least i have something to eat. finally, as for the cable/television/phone/dsl...all in due time everything will be turned back on (yet again) and a new television will be purchased. sorry if i sound a bit sarcastic, but to be perfectly honest a person can't help but feel a bit overwhelmed or like a loser when things like this happen. on this front i'm working very hard to turn "trying" into "doing my best". there are a few things i will say that i'm immensely thankful for. one being that i still have a job that's keeping a roof over my head. two, i took a big chance at asking the state of connecticut's department of children and families to pay my student loans--and that paid off! they'll be cutting a check to wipe out the remaining amount of money i owe. after nine months of waiting and then unexpectedly falling into some overtime hours, I FINALLY GOT MY HAIR DONE!!! let me tell you right now...my hair is just too fierce! the perm took to it so well, and i got this whip action that i'm loving. finally, i have my health. it's so easy to take that for granted, but every morning i wake up...i'm happy.
for the first time in a long time, i'm actually ready to take on the new year. before, i was just sitting and waiting hoping against all odds that the new year would be better than the previous. this time i can't wait for it to begin. i know that i'll start off the new year with the student loans finally paid off, and it's just a matter of time before it's income tax time. so, things are looking on the up and up for me...i'm doing my best to see the lesson in every situation that arises. i know that i'm incredibly blessed and that i have a lot to be thankful for. i do still have all of my dreams that keep me going, and to tell you the God's honest truth...i finally believe that i can make them all come true one by one. my mind has been very ADD/Schizophrenic this past year, so for the new year i have to really work hard on calming it down and focusing all of my energy in the right direction and not take the approach of throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. i'm extremely "amped" up for the new year, and i believe for the first time that it will be very good to me--tough, but still good. I'll keep you posted, God Bless.
it's the end of November, and this past Thursday was Thanksgiving which means that Christmas is literally right around the corner. let's start with Thanksgiving, didn't get a chance to go home to spend the whole weekend with family like i want; furthermore, i thought i would a chance to go home tomorrow Sunday and i'm not going to be able to due to my lack of funds. it's okay, but what's going to make it difficult is breaking the news to my mother. she already called me early this morning wanting to know what time was i arriving, and when i told her that i was coming tomorrow (Sunday)...she took on this little disappointed voice and tried to guilt me into visiting a day earlier. she should know by now that that does not work on me...still, i don't want to hurt her feelings--as cold as i can be sometimes, i do have a heart. luck has it, i was contacted by a co-worker asking me if i wanted to work some extra hours Sunday since they were going to be short one person on the shift. "of course" i said, because not only will i make up two hours for leaving early this week, i'll be able to have some extra money to travel home...hopefully she'll understand.
as i stated earlier this time of year was always a constant reminder of the things i wanted and still didn't have. for instance, money--this year like last year i still don't have much...in fact i have very little. 2 1/2 months ago my television died, and shortly there after the cable service was "interrupted" (yet again). last week my phone/dsl service was also interrupted, and the amount of both bills combined with the fact that i have to purchase a new television...it hurts my heart. not to mention i doing my best to keep food in the refrigerator, and i'm still sewing patches on a pair of jeans that i really need to throw away. to top it all off, i still owe my landlord $1400 in back rent. okay, here's where the new way of thinking kicks in...are you ready?! starting with my landlord and back rent--at least i still have a roof over my head and he's not trying to evict me, and he's being very understanding about the whole thing. my patchy jeans, at least i have a pair to wear. they may not be designer or the best, but at least i have something...this too will pass and one day i will have a closet full of the best clothing money can buy. putting food into the refrigerator, at least i have a fridge to put food into and least i have something to eat. finally, as for the cable/television/phone/dsl...all in due time everything will be turned back on (yet again) and a new television will be purchased. sorry if i sound a bit sarcastic, but to be perfectly honest a person can't help but feel a bit overwhelmed or like a loser when things like this happen. on this front i'm working very hard to turn "trying" into "doing my best". there are a few things i will say that i'm immensely thankful for. one being that i still have a job that's keeping a roof over my head. two, i took a big chance at asking the state of connecticut's department of children and families to pay my student loans--and that paid off! they'll be cutting a check to wipe out the remaining amount of money i owe. after nine months of waiting and then unexpectedly falling into some overtime hours, I FINALLY GOT MY HAIR DONE!!! let me tell you right now...my hair is just too fierce! the perm took to it so well, and i got this whip action that i'm loving. finally, i have my health. it's so easy to take that for granted, but every morning i wake up...i'm happy.
for the first time in a long time, i'm actually ready to take on the new year. before, i was just sitting and waiting hoping against all odds that the new year would be better than the previous. this time i can't wait for it to begin. i know that i'll start off the new year with the student loans finally paid off, and it's just a matter of time before it's income tax time. so, things are looking on the up and up for me...i'm doing my best to see the lesson in every situation that arises. i know that i'm incredibly blessed and that i have a lot to be thankful for. i do still have all of my dreams that keep me going, and to tell you the God's honest truth...i finally believe that i can make them all come true one by one. my mind has been very ADD/Schizophrenic this past year, so for the new year i have to really work hard on calming it down and focusing all of my energy in the right direction and not take the approach of throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. i'm extremely "amped" up for the new year, and i believe for the first time that it will be very good to me--tough, but still good. I'll keep you posted, God Bless.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
taking chances
i haven't written these past several weeks, because i honestly didn't know what to write about. i didn't just want to write about any old thing that came into my mind...not that i've done that since creating this blog. i've tried to do my best to be as honest (maybe too honest) about letting you know what's going in my life at that particular time. a few weeks ago i was going to write about my problem with men (lack of), and it started out a little funny--then i thought...i've talked about this subject for too damn long for so many years. then, i decided to let my topics/subjects just come to me naturally and not force them. it has taken a while, but i've collected my thoughts and now i'm ready to let you know what's going on.
over these past several weeks i've been doing my best to become the kind of person that makes things happen, instead of being the person that watches things happen and also the person that things happen to. little by little i've been moving in that direction, and trying my hardest not to be discouraged over the fact that things aren't happening at the rate i want them to. the first thing i did was a big one--i wrote a letter to the state of connecticut's department of childrens and families (ACS in new york) asking them if they could and would pay my student loan. i didn't think they would even entertain such a notion to even do so, but one day when i came home from work--there was a letting addressed to me from them waiting in my mailbox. i was so prepared for the no that i just knew they were going to give me, but what i got instead was a "please call me". it was from a lady in the ombudsman office, and she was assigned to review my request. over the course of the entire summer i cannot tell you busy i was running back and forth collecting all of the information she needed me to get for her so she could build a good case for me. i gave her the last bit of paperwork she requested of me at the very end of august...now, all that was left for me was to wait. it was towards the end of september i got email that said "call me right away, i have some news for you". up until now i was so ready for the "no" that i knew i was going to get. now, i was emotionally invested because of all that work and running around i did. all those late night prayers to God asking for me to at least get something ($1, $5, $100, $500), it would not matter to me--just to get something would've been a huge accomplishment. i did tell myself that if they said no, at least i did my best--even though it would've sucked big time. the next morning i woke up and i waited a bit before i called, because i wanted to give her time to get in and get settled. when she picked up i was so scared and nervous, but the weird thing was...i had a bit of calm come over me too! then she said those words "we're going to pay your loans". i didn't know what to say, because she was so calm about it and she said it so matter of fact that i thought she was playing. she went on to say that i should have never and did not need to take out any student loans whatsoever, that i was badly advised by my social worker. baby, talk about wanting to jump up and down on someone's couch! let me tell you something, those muthafucker's snatched my income tax refund one year, garnished my check twice (was waiting on 5 check stubs to send them), and now for that to be over...ARE YOU KIDDING ME! i took a chance and it worked out for me.
one of my favorite things in the world besides gay porn (LOL!), are these quotable cards that you can buy. they have the best quotes on them ranging from pulitzer prize winning authors, major historical figures, philosophers, and actors (actresses included). the majority of the ones that i have taped to the wall of my apartment talk about taking chances (that's where the topic of this blog comes from). taking that all important chance that can improve your life for the better or worse depending on the outcome, but like the great Bea Arthur's character Dorothy Zbornak said to Betty White's Rose Nyland on the Golden Girls..."you never know unless you go for it".
i haven't been pleased with my job for such a long time. i came to this city (NYC) 12 years ago to go to NYU and become a famous actor. things haven't worked out quite like i have wished they would. however, i took that chance and i honestly say, my life is the better for it. through all the tears and pain, ups and downs...i shudder to think that i wouldn't change a thing if i had it to do all over again. it took a long time to find this place, and like i said a few blogs ago--i believe i've finally made it home. so, back to the job...i started sending out my resumes to various job listings i feel that i would be perfect for. i have been standing so still when it came time to looking for employment. i haven't looked for a new job in so long, because i've been so embarrassed by the fact that i don't look the way i want to look. i'm not as thin as i want to be and my wardrobe isn't as vast or exact as i need or want it to be. the chance i took was putting my self out there any way. i figure they can hire me and after a few paychecks i would be able to start buying the clothes i want to wear and be able to afford that gym membership that i want so badly, get on the track of getting my body back to the way it used to be...nice and tight. i haven't gotten any responses back from any of the job listings i found, and yes i was disappointed by that. then i thought to myself, that i'm not in fighting form. if i really want this, i'm going to have to work hard for it...no matter what. i did fantasize that my dream job/career would drop into my lap, and that's just not happening. so i really need to commit to becoming that person who truly makes things happen. i believe that i have that person in me, and he just got lost in all the drama that i found myself so caught up in. he's still there waiting for me to get it together and realize that i through the power of the Lord Almighty can be anything and can almost do anything.
with one more month to go until the end of the year, you cannot help but notice how damn fast 2009 has gone by. throughout the course of this new year, i have worked so hard and made one of my a dreams become a reality. i'm afraid a bit to say that i'm ready for 2010, and to see what it has in store for me. one thing i realized about me is that even though i feel like i'm dragging my feet at times, i'm still moving forward. i don't know how things will turn out with the end of the year fast approaching, but i'll keep you posted...God Bless.
over these past several weeks i've been doing my best to become the kind of person that makes things happen, instead of being the person that watches things happen and also the person that things happen to. little by little i've been moving in that direction, and trying my hardest not to be discouraged over the fact that things aren't happening at the rate i want them to. the first thing i did was a big one--i wrote a letter to the state of connecticut's department of childrens and families (ACS in new york) asking them if they could and would pay my student loan. i didn't think they would even entertain such a notion to even do so, but one day when i came home from work--there was a letting addressed to me from them waiting in my mailbox. i was so prepared for the no that i just knew they were going to give me, but what i got instead was a "please call me". it was from a lady in the ombudsman office, and she was assigned to review my request. over the course of the entire summer i cannot tell you busy i was running back and forth collecting all of the information she needed me to get for her so she could build a good case for me. i gave her the last bit of paperwork she requested of me at the very end of august...now, all that was left for me was to wait. it was towards the end of september i got email that said "call me right away, i have some news for you". up until now i was so ready for the "no" that i knew i was going to get. now, i was emotionally invested because of all that work and running around i did. all those late night prayers to God asking for me to at least get something ($1, $5, $100, $500), it would not matter to me--just to get something would've been a huge accomplishment. i did tell myself that if they said no, at least i did my best--even though it would've sucked big time. the next morning i woke up and i waited a bit before i called, because i wanted to give her time to get in and get settled. when she picked up i was so scared and nervous, but the weird thing was...i had a bit of calm come over me too! then she said those words "we're going to pay your loans". i didn't know what to say, because she was so calm about it and she said it so matter of fact that i thought she was playing. she went on to say that i should have never and did not need to take out any student loans whatsoever, that i was badly advised by my social worker. baby, talk about wanting to jump up and down on someone's couch! let me tell you something, those muthafucker's snatched my income tax refund one year, garnished my check twice (was waiting on 5 check stubs to send them), and now for that to be over...ARE YOU KIDDING ME! i took a chance and it worked out for me.
one of my favorite things in the world besides gay porn (LOL!), are these quotable cards that you can buy. they have the best quotes on them ranging from pulitzer prize winning authors, major historical figures, philosophers, and actors (actresses included). the majority of the ones that i have taped to the wall of my apartment talk about taking chances (that's where the topic of this blog comes from). taking that all important chance that can improve your life for the better or worse depending on the outcome, but like the great Bea Arthur's character Dorothy Zbornak said to Betty White's Rose Nyland on the Golden Girls..."you never know unless you go for it".
i haven't been pleased with my job for such a long time. i came to this city (NYC) 12 years ago to go to NYU and become a famous actor. things haven't worked out quite like i have wished they would. however, i took that chance and i honestly say, my life is the better for it. through all the tears and pain, ups and downs...i shudder to think that i wouldn't change a thing if i had it to do all over again. it took a long time to find this place, and like i said a few blogs ago--i believe i've finally made it home. so, back to the job...i started sending out my resumes to various job listings i feel that i would be perfect for. i have been standing so still when it came time to looking for employment. i haven't looked for a new job in so long, because i've been so embarrassed by the fact that i don't look the way i want to look. i'm not as thin as i want to be and my wardrobe isn't as vast or exact as i need or want it to be. the chance i took was putting my self out there any way. i figure they can hire me and after a few paychecks i would be able to start buying the clothes i want to wear and be able to afford that gym membership that i want so badly, get on the track of getting my body back to the way it used to be...nice and tight. i haven't gotten any responses back from any of the job listings i found, and yes i was disappointed by that. then i thought to myself, that i'm not in fighting form. if i really want this, i'm going to have to work hard for it...no matter what. i did fantasize that my dream job/career would drop into my lap, and that's just not happening. so i really need to commit to becoming that person who truly makes things happen. i believe that i have that person in me, and he just got lost in all the drama that i found myself so caught up in. he's still there waiting for me to get it together and realize that i through the power of the Lord Almighty can be anything and can almost do anything.
with one more month to go until the end of the year, you cannot help but notice how damn fast 2009 has gone by. throughout the course of this new year, i have worked so hard and made one of my a dreams become a reality. i'm afraid a bit to say that i'm ready for 2010, and to see what it has in store for me. one thing i realized about me is that even though i feel like i'm dragging my feet at times, i'm still moving forward. i don't know how things will turn out with the end of the year fast approaching, but i'll keep you posted...God Bless.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
the changing of the seasons
i have been very distracted and lazy over these past several weeks, that's why i haven't written my blog. i know if i'm going to committ to do this, i have to stay on top of it. so...let's start with the obvious, the cold air is here and i'm enjoying every minute of it. this time of year always always puts a smile on my face. mainly because i don't have to worry about sweating to death anymore and my clothes sticking to me. the funny thing is i was actually born at the beginning of summer many years ago, and when i was younger i really enjoyed the summer time--i guess that was because of the vacation away from school. now that i've gotten older i can't wait for it to be over, so that the cold air can come on through and do what it do. the irony of me loving all of this cold air is that i love to be all bundled up and nice and warm, and in the house with the heat on...not blasting though.
now, i can't really say that my laziness contributed to the reason that i've haven't written in a while...it's mostly been all distraction. i've been concentrating on getting a really important goal of mine accomplished these past several weeks. i can't tell you what it is exactly until all is said and done. i will say that it has to do with my finances and i took such a giant leap forward out of the red that it ain't even funny...i'm still in the red though, but not as bad as i was once this goes through. i can't even begin to tell you how hard i worked over the summer on this and the anticipation of it coming to fruition--it's nothing short of amazing. the timing of it was pefect too...i just went in for an interview for low-income housing for a building that's litterly being constructed a few blocks away from me in my neighborhood. they turned me down saying that i make too much money to meet the guidelines for qualification. i won't go into the whole back story and how long they kept me waiting in that lobby just to tell me that i make too much money. needlessly to say i was heated walking out that office building. when i checked my email account later that night to see if i had any emails, i got the message to make that long awaited phone call to get the answer i've been waiting all summer long for. i called the next day and got the answer i've been praying so hard for. i cannot begin to tell you how good God is!
i have to back up a bit and tell you what actually happened earlier in september during new york fashion week. okay, here's a bit of the back story--i was fired last february from the backstage management company that i worked the past 6 years for. i got hired by another company that is run by the same lady that hired me 6 years ago to work for the other company. she left the company officially last season too, and decided to start her own company. child, it was a bunch of mess--between the both of us depending on who you speak to from the other company. i will honestly say that i thought that she would have a good amount of shows to work; however, that was not the case. when i got my show assignments...i only got two shows. i was disappointed to tell you the truth, but i also knew that i couldn't be. she's just starting her company and of course there's a lot of competition out there that she now has to compete with. i just allowed myself to believe for a short minute or two that i would have a good number of shows. then i realized that she's starting out and would have to work her way up to a good number of shows again--i know she can do it though.
i always take a vacation during new york fashion week for the fall/winter and spring/summer seasons, and it seems the time i was gone from work--THE SHIT HIT THE FAN HONEY! leading up to my vacation, i had that feeling that you always get when you just want it to come and just get here. this time this feeling was really intense...i almost can't describe it, but it felt like to me that something was about to happen and i knew i had to get away. i'm so happy that i was on vacation and didn't see anything go down, but let me tell you i heard about it. on the one hand i'm happy that i wasn't here, but on the other hand i wish i was able to see it go down. now, i know that's not right to want to see the "greasiness" of it all, but DAMN can't i live a little. after all was said and done, i was really sad because it involved a person i cared a great deal for...and i didn't want to see that happen.
while i was on vacation--the worst possible...excuse me, one of the worst possible things that could've happened happened. MY TELEVISION DIED ON ME! i woke up that morning and watched a little bit of television and everything seemed to be okay. i turned it off because i had to go into the city to pick up and deposit my paycheck and do a little grocery shopping on my way home. everything was going according to plan, and i even stopped at the corner store to get a sub and some snacks before i went into the house. Housewives of Atlanta was getting ready to come on and i made it back home in time to set every thing up. my sandwich was nice and hot, my soda was ice cold, and when i went to turn on the television...it was dead. i like to fall the fuck out right there in front of it. my television has been with me for the past 10 years, and it has been with me through so much. through all the ups and downs, twists and turns...i could always count on my television. if that wasn't enough, my telephone service was interrupted and the cable got turned off...again. in the past, i always rushed to get my cable turned back on--this time i decided to give my phone the attention it deserved. when i got my paycheck that thursday, i went out and got my phone turned back on. i always give love to the cable, but i have my internet through my phone (DSL) and it's a bitch to set back up if your phone has been disconnected for a while...and, it wouldn't have made much sense to pay the cable bill without a television to watch it on. so, since the beginning of september up to now i've been without a television. my saving grace has been my laptop, at least with it i can watch things on the internet and watch my dvds. i'll get another television soon, when i save up enough money and my cable will be turned back on again soon too. right now money is a little more tighter than it has been, but i know and have faith that it will get better.
these past 10 months have tested my endurance and faith like nobody's business. i've been through a lot in my life and "they" always say that God never gives you more than you can handle. i don't know what i'm being prepared for, but i'll tell you this...i will be so happy when i won't have to struggle like this anymore. i guess it all boils down to the journey that we all have been destined to take during our lives. have i reached the promise land, no--will i ever? who knows, all i know is that i have to keep my eyes fixed on my objectives and be open to the opportunities that come my way. i'll keep you posted, God bless.
now, i can't really say that my laziness contributed to the reason that i've haven't written in a while...it's mostly been all distraction. i've been concentrating on getting a really important goal of mine accomplished these past several weeks. i can't tell you what it is exactly until all is said and done. i will say that it has to do with my finances and i took such a giant leap forward out of the red that it ain't even funny...i'm still in the red though, but not as bad as i was once this goes through. i can't even begin to tell you how hard i worked over the summer on this and the anticipation of it coming to fruition--it's nothing short of amazing. the timing of it was pefect too...i just went in for an interview for low-income housing for a building that's litterly being constructed a few blocks away from me in my neighborhood. they turned me down saying that i make too much money to meet the guidelines for qualification. i won't go into the whole back story and how long they kept me waiting in that lobby just to tell me that i make too much money. needlessly to say i was heated walking out that office building. when i checked my email account later that night to see if i had any emails, i got the message to make that long awaited phone call to get the answer i've been waiting all summer long for. i called the next day and got the answer i've been praying so hard for. i cannot begin to tell you how good God is!
i have to back up a bit and tell you what actually happened earlier in september during new york fashion week. okay, here's a bit of the back story--i was fired last february from the backstage management company that i worked the past 6 years for. i got hired by another company that is run by the same lady that hired me 6 years ago to work for the other company. she left the company officially last season too, and decided to start her own company. child, it was a bunch of mess--between the both of us depending on who you speak to from the other company. i will honestly say that i thought that she would have a good amount of shows to work; however, that was not the case. when i got my show assignments...i only got two shows. i was disappointed to tell you the truth, but i also knew that i couldn't be. she's just starting her company and of course there's a lot of competition out there that she now has to compete with. i just allowed myself to believe for a short minute or two that i would have a good number of shows. then i realized that she's starting out and would have to work her way up to a good number of shows again--i know she can do it though.
i always take a vacation during new york fashion week for the fall/winter and spring/summer seasons, and it seems the time i was gone from work--THE SHIT HIT THE FAN HONEY! leading up to my vacation, i had that feeling that you always get when you just want it to come and just get here. this time this feeling was really intense...i almost can't describe it, but it felt like to me that something was about to happen and i knew i had to get away. i'm so happy that i was on vacation and didn't see anything go down, but let me tell you i heard about it. on the one hand i'm happy that i wasn't here, but on the other hand i wish i was able to see it go down. now, i know that's not right to want to see the "greasiness" of it all, but DAMN can't i live a little. after all was said and done, i was really sad because it involved a person i cared a great deal for...and i didn't want to see that happen.
while i was on vacation--the worst possible...excuse me, one of the worst possible things that could've happened happened. MY TELEVISION DIED ON ME! i woke up that morning and watched a little bit of television and everything seemed to be okay. i turned it off because i had to go into the city to pick up and deposit my paycheck and do a little grocery shopping on my way home. everything was going according to plan, and i even stopped at the corner store to get a sub and some snacks before i went into the house. Housewives of Atlanta was getting ready to come on and i made it back home in time to set every thing up. my sandwich was nice and hot, my soda was ice cold, and when i went to turn on the television...it was dead. i like to fall the fuck out right there in front of it. my television has been with me for the past 10 years, and it has been with me through so much. through all the ups and downs, twists and turns...i could always count on my television. if that wasn't enough, my telephone service was interrupted and the cable got turned off...again. in the past, i always rushed to get my cable turned back on--this time i decided to give my phone the attention it deserved. when i got my paycheck that thursday, i went out and got my phone turned back on. i always give love to the cable, but i have my internet through my phone (DSL) and it's a bitch to set back up if your phone has been disconnected for a while...and, it wouldn't have made much sense to pay the cable bill without a television to watch it on. so, since the beginning of september up to now i've been without a television. my saving grace has been my laptop, at least with it i can watch things on the internet and watch my dvds. i'll get another television soon, when i save up enough money and my cable will be turned back on again soon too. right now money is a little more tighter than it has been, but i know and have faith that it will get better.
these past 10 months have tested my endurance and faith like nobody's business. i've been through a lot in my life and "they" always say that God never gives you more than you can handle. i don't know what i'm being prepared for, but i'll tell you this...i will be so happy when i won't have to struggle like this anymore. i guess it all boils down to the journey that we all have been destined to take during our lives. have i reached the promise land, no--will i ever? who knows, all i know is that i have to keep my eyes fixed on my objectives and be open to the opportunities that come my way. i'll keep you posted, God bless.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
still a work in progress
where do i start...well i will say that this blog is extremely late by a couple of weeks. i've been a bit distracted to tell you the truth. i had a dream two weeks ago, i won't tell you about the whole dream...except to say that it gave me a clear message that something was holding me back or trying to holding me back—weighing me down, and the more i tried to move forward the harder it got. the few people i spoke to about this told me that i was still in my own way. i couldn't understand how i was still blocking myself from moving forward, but from my dream i was doing it. i don't want to be too spiritual in this blog, because my best-friend started calling me a "Jesus Freak"...i was shocked too! when i started writing my blogs, it's not like i'm waving the bible around and invoking the name of the Lord every other line. i just told him, we all need a point of reference and to "kiss my grits..." i will admit that i have been dealing with what seemed to be a lot over the summer, and i'm trying my best to deal with it in my own way...be it positive, optimistic, and spiritually.
i will say that the past few weeks have been tough and some of it might've been my own doing. i've recently stopped talking to a few people, because to tell you the truth i was becoming too caught up and caring way too much about what was going on in their lives all the while trying to deal with my own issues. i'm a cancer through and through, and there have been way too many times where i've felt that i've cared more for my friends than they did for me. i don't want to give the impression that i have selfish friends in my life, because i don't...it's just that it got to a point where i found myself wanting more for them than they did for themselves. i didn't want it to turn into "i'm not your friend anymore because you're not doing what i tell you to do"...get what i'm saying? it just got to a point where i had to seriously step back and say i can't do this anymore. right now as i'm writing this, i think i was using my friends and their lives as an escape from my own...can't do that anymore, the situation has stabilized a bit now though. It’s just a reminder that at the end of the day, people are going to do what they make up their mind to do—and as a friend, no matter how much I want them to avoid the pitfalls of their decisions…I ultimately have to sit back and watch them live their lives and be there for them. That being said, I won’t be that “friend” watching you make the same mistake over and over again when you as a grown ass individual know better, but you want to sit and make excuses for your behavior and the behavior of others. That is an extreme waste of time and energy and it serves no purpose whatsoever. This was where I made the decision to step back and say I couldn’t do it anymore…and I needed my space from that individual. Quite honestly, my life is tough already without the added stress of another’s on top of it.
This next subject that I’m going to talk about, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it. I didn’t know if I wanted fully go in to it, or just leave it alone completely. Since this is my blog and I made the decision to be totally honest with you and let it all hang out…that is what I’m going to do. About 6 ½ to 7 years ago I met a beautiful young man. When I say beautiful, I mean beautiful…he stopped me in my tracks and literally took my breath away. Naturally, I was the one that fell in love and I kept it to myself for a long time too. I don’t know if any of you ever felt this way or actually had a similar situation happen to you. I’m going to tread lightly on this, because I don’t want to be sitting here crying as i’m typing this. One night about 2 to 2 ½ years ago I confessed my love to him…and it wasn’t pretty. I was crying and drooling all over myself—I was not cute in the least. He was awfully nice about it, considering what I just dropped into his lap. Needlessly to say he is straight, and of course he told me that he always knew how I felt about him, and he was sorry he could not return my feelings. I knew he was going to say that, but I’d be lying if I said that there wasn't a little part of me that secretly hope…and you can finish that sentence. Shortly after that night he proceeded not to speak to me for 2 ½ months, yes I was crushed and wished I never said anything to him about the way I felt. Over the next few years my love for him gradually faded away, but I do still care for him as a friend and i have always wanted nothing but the best for him. During that time I’ve watched him go from relationship to relationship to relationship to relationship, always searching and never finding what he was looking for. As i sat and watched him during these periods it always brought out great sadness in me and nothing but questions about my life. One question to God was “why won’t he bring me someone to love?” I cannot tell you how many times that question had come up in my prayers, conversations on the phone to friends at night, and in letters to the Oprah show. Watching him and a few other people in and out of relationships, or stuck in relationships because they didn’t want to be alone…made me question my reason for living on this planet, the value in my life, and why God never allowed love to come into my life. This is where the universe comes into play…some will say that I wasn’t ready for it, and that it’s not my time—I have to be patient. Throughout my teens I was so afraid to be who I am, and when I reached my twenties I started to love the person I was and enjoyed living my life. That was when I really needed someone to want and desire me—tell me I was beautiful and that they wanted to be with me…it never happened. Now, I’m in my thirties and I don’t see it happening no matter how hard I pray or how patient I am—God just won’t answer that prayer of mine. Friends of mine would always ask me why I didn’t have a boyfriend yet, and they it turned around that I would get the questioned every week “did you find a boyfriend yet?” I would make jokes and laugh it off, but I was and still am sad about it…only because I have so much love to give and to feel not wanted is so horrible, and I truly wouldn’t wish that on anybody. So, when “said” guy popped up again with yet another relationship after recently ending a month long courtship with another girl—all of those feelings came back at me. My summer had not been going like I wished it had. with all the things I was trying to deal with, and then to confront those feelings again was just too much. He said this girl was different…she was the one, even though they dated before—he was just too stupid not to have known it then. I didn’t want to laugh in his face or call him out on it, but like the friend I was trying to be…I supported his decision even though inside I was secretly yelling “FOOL IS YOU CRAZY!”
Towards the end of August early September we got into a disagreement concerning a situation at the job. he was on the phone discussing a problem with a co-worker who he’s cool with, meanwhile I had emailed that co-worker about the same problem and never got a response…yet he (the co-worker) picked up the phone and called him back when he emailed him. When I voiced my frustration about the situation while he was on the phone with the guy…he didn’t care for the way I acted. A few moments had passed and he tried to explain to me what was going on, and I politely told him I did not care to hear it and I didn’t care about it anymore. At that point, he looked at me for a second or two and gave me this smart-alecky almost condescending laugh like I was a joke to him. Baby when I tell you it took every ounce in me not ask him “what the fuck was he laughing at”…I seriously had to keep my mouth shut. It didn’t end there—he went on and said it was funny to him how “people don’t know what they’re talking about when they think they do”. Right then and there, I was like I’m not fucking with you and I haven’t spoken to him since. Of course I could’ve handled things a lot differently, but he didn’t need to treat me like my feelings were unwarranted. I know a few people at the job are thinking I’m upset and jealous because he’s dating this girl again. Which I’m not, I admit there is that part of me that will always love and care for him…but, I’m not in love with him anymore—that’s the part that I’ve been sort of stressing over because I don’t want people to think that. Unfortunately, I can’t control what people will and will not think of me.
This blog is coming to an end, because frankly I have some other things I have to get done today before I become too lazy to do them. I will that through it all, I know that there is a plan for me and God will reveal it in all due time. I’ll keep you posted…God bless.
i will say that the past few weeks have been tough and some of it might've been my own doing. i've recently stopped talking to a few people, because to tell you the truth i was becoming too caught up and caring way too much about what was going on in their lives all the while trying to deal with my own issues. i'm a cancer through and through, and there have been way too many times where i've felt that i've cared more for my friends than they did for me. i don't want to give the impression that i have selfish friends in my life, because i don't...it's just that it got to a point where i found myself wanting more for them than they did for themselves. i didn't want it to turn into "i'm not your friend anymore because you're not doing what i tell you to do"...get what i'm saying? it just got to a point where i had to seriously step back and say i can't do this anymore. right now as i'm writing this, i think i was using my friends and their lives as an escape from my own...can't do that anymore, the situation has stabilized a bit now though. It’s just a reminder that at the end of the day, people are going to do what they make up their mind to do—and as a friend, no matter how much I want them to avoid the pitfalls of their decisions…I ultimately have to sit back and watch them live their lives and be there for them. That being said, I won’t be that “friend” watching you make the same mistake over and over again when you as a grown ass individual know better, but you want to sit and make excuses for your behavior and the behavior of others. That is an extreme waste of time and energy and it serves no purpose whatsoever. This was where I made the decision to step back and say I couldn’t do it anymore…and I needed my space from that individual. Quite honestly, my life is tough already without the added stress of another’s on top of it.
This next subject that I’m going to talk about, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it. I didn’t know if I wanted fully go in to it, or just leave it alone completely. Since this is my blog and I made the decision to be totally honest with you and let it all hang out…that is what I’m going to do. About 6 ½ to 7 years ago I met a beautiful young man. When I say beautiful, I mean beautiful…he stopped me in my tracks and literally took my breath away. Naturally, I was the one that fell in love and I kept it to myself for a long time too. I don’t know if any of you ever felt this way or actually had a similar situation happen to you. I’m going to tread lightly on this, because I don’t want to be sitting here crying as i’m typing this. One night about 2 to 2 ½ years ago I confessed my love to him…and it wasn’t pretty. I was crying and drooling all over myself—I was not cute in the least. He was awfully nice about it, considering what I just dropped into his lap. Needlessly to say he is straight, and of course he told me that he always knew how I felt about him, and he was sorry he could not return my feelings. I knew he was going to say that, but I’d be lying if I said that there wasn't a little part of me that secretly hope…and you can finish that sentence. Shortly after that night he proceeded not to speak to me for 2 ½ months, yes I was crushed and wished I never said anything to him about the way I felt. Over the next few years my love for him gradually faded away, but I do still care for him as a friend and i have always wanted nothing but the best for him. During that time I’ve watched him go from relationship to relationship to relationship to relationship, always searching and never finding what he was looking for. As i sat and watched him during these periods it always brought out great sadness in me and nothing but questions about my life. One question to God was “why won’t he bring me someone to love?” I cannot tell you how many times that question had come up in my prayers, conversations on the phone to friends at night, and in letters to the Oprah show. Watching him and a few other people in and out of relationships, or stuck in relationships because they didn’t want to be alone…made me question my reason for living on this planet, the value in my life, and why God never allowed love to come into my life. This is where the universe comes into play…some will say that I wasn’t ready for it, and that it’s not my time—I have to be patient. Throughout my teens I was so afraid to be who I am, and when I reached my twenties I started to love the person I was and enjoyed living my life. That was when I really needed someone to want and desire me—tell me I was beautiful and that they wanted to be with me…it never happened. Now, I’m in my thirties and I don’t see it happening no matter how hard I pray or how patient I am—God just won’t answer that prayer of mine. Friends of mine would always ask me why I didn’t have a boyfriend yet, and they it turned around that I would get the questioned every week “did you find a boyfriend yet?” I would make jokes and laugh it off, but I was and still am sad about it…only because I have so much love to give and to feel not wanted is so horrible, and I truly wouldn’t wish that on anybody. So, when “said” guy popped up again with yet another relationship after recently ending a month long courtship with another girl—all of those feelings came back at me. My summer had not been going like I wished it had. with all the things I was trying to deal with, and then to confront those feelings again was just too much. He said this girl was different…she was the one, even though they dated before—he was just too stupid not to have known it then. I didn’t want to laugh in his face or call him out on it, but like the friend I was trying to be…I supported his decision even though inside I was secretly yelling “FOOL IS YOU CRAZY!”
Towards the end of August early September we got into a disagreement concerning a situation at the job. he was on the phone discussing a problem with a co-worker who he’s cool with, meanwhile I had emailed that co-worker about the same problem and never got a response…yet he (the co-worker) picked up the phone and called him back when he emailed him. When I voiced my frustration about the situation while he was on the phone with the guy…he didn’t care for the way I acted. A few moments had passed and he tried to explain to me what was going on, and I politely told him I did not care to hear it and I didn’t care about it anymore. At that point, he looked at me for a second or two and gave me this smart-alecky almost condescending laugh like I was a joke to him. Baby when I tell you it took every ounce in me not ask him “what the fuck was he laughing at”…I seriously had to keep my mouth shut. It didn’t end there—he went on and said it was funny to him how “people don’t know what they’re talking about when they think they do”. Right then and there, I was like I’m not fucking with you and I haven’t spoken to him since. Of course I could’ve handled things a lot differently, but he didn’t need to treat me like my feelings were unwarranted. I know a few people at the job are thinking I’m upset and jealous because he’s dating this girl again. Which I’m not, I admit there is that part of me that will always love and care for him…but, I’m not in love with him anymore—that’s the part that I’ve been sort of stressing over because I don’t want people to think that. Unfortunately, I can’t control what people will and will not think of me.
This blog is coming to an end, because frankly I have some other things I have to get done today before I become too lazy to do them. I will that through it all, I know that there is a plan for me and God will reveal it in all due time. I’ll keep you posted…God bless.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
how i spent the summer of 2009
with only a few days left until the end of august, i wanted to a recap of how i spent the summer of 2009. this summer was marked with both the good and bad, but i made it through and i feel like i can really change my circumstances for the first time in a long time. however, i really do miss those summer days when i actually enjoyed the summer months and didn't have much to worry about. i wish like crazy i had those days back, because they were so care free and you got to have so much fun. now, you have to worry about bills, keeping a roof over your head and food on the table. i was talking with a co-worker of mine last week who has two little boys at home--i asked her how happy was she going to be when her children go back to school...i wish you could've seen the look on her face. she simply said "you don't even know...", and it just tickled me to death to hear her say that because i get it now. that's the one thing i truly love about getting older, for some people...you actually get smarter and you pick up on the subtle things more and more. i consider it truly a blessing to be able to see things a little more clearer now. now i know how my grandmother used to feel when she had my cousin, sister, and i out the house and she had all that quiet time to herself to clean, cook, and watch her soaps.
the beginning of summer started out just like all the ones before it, but this one however was marked with a series of anniversaries. the first being my 32nd birthday, which i wasn't looking too forward to to be perfectly honest. it was just another reminder that it was yet another year of being in the same sad situation like all the years before, so i just "celebrated" my birthday like it was nothing special. the second, it officially marked my 6th year of celibacy...LA DEE FRIGGIN' DAH! honey, i truly think it has healed over...you know i'm not going even go into it right now--this blog will end up being longer than i would actually care to make it. as june was coming to an end, we all got the news that Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett had passed away on the same exact day. the thing was that Farrah Fawcett was actually preparing to die for a while due to the form of cancer she had been suffering from, not to mention her son being convicted on drug charges while she was laid up in the hospital. Michael Jackson's death was very unexpected and sent shockwaves around the world. i was very sad to see him go in such a fashion, but i felt it had been a long time coming because he was no longer the man i loved as a child. i'm not kidding when i say that he became a ghostly shell of a broken man since his past legal troubles concerning the allegations of sexual abuse. what i find very disheartening is the fact that almost immediately after he died, the first young man that accused Michael of the sexual abuse admitted to making the whole thing up just so that he and his family could get paid. the further indignity of it all was that none of the news organizations chose to report it...they were fixated on the paternity of his three children. some people chose to remember Michael in a more favorable light and others were just plain nasty still. the funniest thing to me that with his passing and the passing of Farrah Fawcett, he got more news coverage than she did. it was like she didn't even die...i was like that's the fuck it. to be fair though, TV Land did give a little Charlie's Angels marathon.
the month of July, started out very ordinary with nothing to really talk about to tell you the truth--then, more people started dying. one of my good friends and co-workers lost her uncle towards the end of June early July due to a bacterial pneumonia he caught. then several weeks later she lost her cousin and then her grandmother within a week of each other. some of the people at the office raised some money for her since she was going to be out of work for a while. i didn't have much to give, but i wanted to do something for her to show that i was thinking about her and that she and her family were in my prayers. the rest of the month went by relatively quiet until i started do a little soul searching and wanted some answers to the questions i've been asking God for such a long time. i strongly felt like i was coming to the end of my rope and i just didn't have the strength to go on or deal with silence that seemed to at this point engulf me. then late one night was on the phone with another co-worker of mine having a heartfelt conversation about our lives and also about how tired we both were. i know it's bad to look at other people's lives and compare them to your own, because it gets you nowhere and you end up in such a dark place where you even don't want to be. i told her that i had such high hopes for my life, and that i always dreamed that by the time i reached 32 i would've been so famous and rich it wasn't even funny. as i kept talking i told her about how long and hard i had to work to get to NYC. i told her about all the downright nastiness i had to endure from many people that came along in my journey...then i said it--i feel like such a failure. in that split second, the moment the word left my mouth i became lighter. i won't go further into it, because i wrote about it two blogs ago. i will say that in that moment i realized that all these years i was not living for myself, but for all of those other people that treated me like i was nothing and would never be nothing. honey i put that baggage down, and i'm not going to lie to you...it seems at times i want to pick one or two of them back up again, but i'm leaving them right where i left them. i did however start to walk away from them.
finally we come to the month of August. to many New Yorkers, August is known as the hottest month of the year and let me tell you it lives up to it's reputation. there has been such a heatwave in this city that i can't even describe. you know it's hot as hell when you're laying down and your sweating so much you start getting dizzy. but i digress, i celebrated my 5th anniversary at my job...the longest i've had living in this city. i celebrated my 8th year living in my apt/room, and my mother turned 57 this month too. the cable got turned off, and just recently got turned back on...like it always do. more importantly, i got a phone call from one of my best friends telling me that everything was going good for him and that he wanted me to start preparing my resume. of course i asked "why", but he wouldn't tell me. after i nagged him for a while, he gave in...but i'm not going to tell you what or who it's for. i will say that it will be life changing should everything work out the way i pray it would. my sudden feeling of joy turned into sadness yet again, when i was told of a friend and former co-worker's passing. i won't go into details, because i wrote about them too my last blog or the one before that. i will say that she was such a beautiful lady and i'm so happy i got know her.
with all that has gone on this summer, i've learned that i have so much to give to this world and that my life has purpose and value. this road that i've traveled has not been easy, but i now know that God has a plan for me and he has guided me along this particular route because he is preparing me for something great...i don't know what it is, but i've also learned not to question it anymore. there's a quote on my wall that i love, and it states: "the best way to get over a situation, is to go through it". I'll keep you posted, God Bless.
the beginning of summer started out just like all the ones before it, but this one however was marked with a series of anniversaries. the first being my 32nd birthday, which i wasn't looking too forward to to be perfectly honest. it was just another reminder that it was yet another year of being in the same sad situation like all the years before, so i just "celebrated" my birthday like it was nothing special. the second, it officially marked my 6th year of celibacy...LA DEE FRIGGIN' DAH! honey, i truly think it has healed over...you know i'm not going even go into it right now--this blog will end up being longer than i would actually care to make it. as june was coming to an end, we all got the news that Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett had passed away on the same exact day. the thing was that Farrah Fawcett was actually preparing to die for a while due to the form of cancer she had been suffering from, not to mention her son being convicted on drug charges while she was laid up in the hospital. Michael Jackson's death was very unexpected and sent shockwaves around the world. i was very sad to see him go in such a fashion, but i felt it had been a long time coming because he was no longer the man i loved as a child. i'm not kidding when i say that he became a ghostly shell of a broken man since his past legal troubles concerning the allegations of sexual abuse. what i find very disheartening is the fact that almost immediately after he died, the first young man that accused Michael of the sexual abuse admitted to making the whole thing up just so that he and his family could get paid. the further indignity of it all was that none of the news organizations chose to report it...they were fixated on the paternity of his three children. some people chose to remember Michael in a more favorable light and others were just plain nasty still. the funniest thing to me that with his passing and the passing of Farrah Fawcett, he got more news coverage than she did. it was like she didn't even die...i was like that's the fuck it. to be fair though, TV Land did give a little Charlie's Angels marathon.
the month of July, started out very ordinary with nothing to really talk about to tell you the truth--then, more people started dying. one of my good friends and co-workers lost her uncle towards the end of June early July due to a bacterial pneumonia he caught. then several weeks later she lost her cousin and then her grandmother within a week of each other. some of the people at the office raised some money for her since she was going to be out of work for a while. i didn't have much to give, but i wanted to do something for her to show that i was thinking about her and that she and her family were in my prayers. the rest of the month went by relatively quiet until i started do a little soul searching and wanted some answers to the questions i've been asking God for such a long time. i strongly felt like i was coming to the end of my rope and i just didn't have the strength to go on or deal with silence that seemed to at this point engulf me. then late one night was on the phone with another co-worker of mine having a heartfelt conversation about our lives and also about how tired we both were. i know it's bad to look at other people's lives and compare them to your own, because it gets you nowhere and you end up in such a dark place where you even don't want to be. i told her that i had such high hopes for my life, and that i always dreamed that by the time i reached 32 i would've been so famous and rich it wasn't even funny. as i kept talking i told her about how long and hard i had to work to get to NYC. i told her about all the downright nastiness i had to endure from many people that came along in my journey...then i said it--i feel like such a failure. in that split second, the moment the word left my mouth i became lighter. i won't go further into it, because i wrote about it two blogs ago. i will say that in that moment i realized that all these years i was not living for myself, but for all of those other people that treated me like i was nothing and would never be nothing. honey i put that baggage down, and i'm not going to lie to you...it seems at times i want to pick one or two of them back up again, but i'm leaving them right where i left them. i did however start to walk away from them.
finally we come to the month of August. to many New Yorkers, August is known as the hottest month of the year and let me tell you it lives up to it's reputation. there has been such a heatwave in this city that i can't even describe. you know it's hot as hell when you're laying down and your sweating so much you start getting dizzy. but i digress, i celebrated my 5th anniversary at my job...the longest i've had living in this city. i celebrated my 8th year living in my apt/room, and my mother turned 57 this month too. the cable got turned off, and just recently got turned back on...like it always do. more importantly, i got a phone call from one of my best friends telling me that everything was going good for him and that he wanted me to start preparing my resume. of course i asked "why", but he wouldn't tell me. after i nagged him for a while, he gave in...but i'm not going to tell you what or who it's for. i will say that it will be life changing should everything work out the way i pray it would. my sudden feeling of joy turned into sadness yet again, when i was told of a friend and former co-worker's passing. i won't go into details, because i wrote about them too my last blog or the one before that. i will say that she was such a beautiful lady and i'm so happy i got know her.
with all that has gone on this summer, i've learned that i have so much to give to this world and that my life has purpose and value. this road that i've traveled has not been easy, but i now know that God has a plan for me and he has guided me along this particular route because he is preparing me for something great...i don't know what it is, but i've also learned not to question it anymore. there's a quote on my wall that i love, and it states: "the best way to get over a situation, is to go through it". I'll keep you posted, God Bless.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
what a gift i've been given
last saturday i started writing this blog and immediately stopped writing it, because i received word that a former co-worker and friend of mine had passed away earlier in the day. the first two blogs i posted seemed to me at least to be very serious, and to tell you the truth there are many lighter happier moments in my life that need to be talked about and celebrated as well--now is one of those times.
i have been blessed many times over in my life and i strongly believe that God guided my steps toward to each and every individual i've encountered throughout my 32 years on this earth. there have been many people that i've encountered that i wish i never did, and there have been many wonderful people that came into my life and gave me so much joy i can't even begin to tell you. as i have gotten older, i realized that there was a lesson to be learned in every one of those situations. i've learned a lot, because another lesson i learned the hard way was that if i wasn't paying attention to the lesson that was being taught...it constantly repeated itself time and time again, and would present itself in another individual every time it occurred. to tell you the truth, i think i got it now. should the same situation arise again to see if i can handle it like the grown ass man that i am, i'm confident i'll pass the test.
one thing i have loved from an early age and even more so now that i'm older are cartoons. i'm an avid cartoon watcher, and you'd be surprised as to what lessons a child and even an adult can learn while watching cartoons. this one cartoon i like to watch is 'Danny Phantom', it comes on the Nicktoons Network. i was watching a particular episode where the main character Danny Fenton (aka Danny Phantom) had become a super villian that wreaked havoc over the entire world in the future. there were these time traveling beings that witnessed the destruction he caused. so they went to a 'father time' figure and tried to get him to go back in time to prevent Danny from ever becoming 'Danny Phantom'. needlessly to say he didn't grant there request, instead he traveled back in the past and warned Danny of the event that was going to happen and sent him on the quest to stop it from happening. so, Danny along with his friends Tucker and Samantha travel back in time to stop the catastrophic event from taken place that put him on the path to become a super villian. i believe this was a special hour episode, and unfortunately through all of his efforts Danny could not stop the event from taken place. however, at the last minute the father time figure appears out of no where and rewinds time and stops the event from happening. this is where the lesson kicks in, after saving Danny, his family, and his friends the father time figure talks with him. he says to him that life is like a parade and that we (the individual) cannot see where the parade will go before coming to an end, but he (father time) has a perfect view from above and has the power and ability to see the parade from all sides and the many routes it can take before coming to an end. while this character was talking, i thought to myself...that's God! that's what the Lord does, he can see the many routes that are laid out for us and depending on the decisions we make during the course of the parade (our life) it will determine the direction the parade take before it comes to an end...and they say television is bad for you.
i for one, don't know the course my life may take--i just know that i have to see it through to the end. from dealing with the loss of my friend this past week, and not to mention the lives lost since the beginning of summer...it just reminds me, i'm still here. i have fought tooth and nail to make it this far, and i have worked damn hard not to let it all be in vain. like i stated in my last blog, God didn't create me and bring me this far just to leave me. i'm a blessed individual and i will continue to always walk with my head held high and just be light. i cannot let myself be weighed down by the bullshit that will pop up every now and again. one thing i've realized this summer is that life is too short and way too precious to let slip away. i honestly have a lot to make up for. i feel stupid for wasting all my time and energy constantly giving power to people and situations that don't warrant my attention at all. there is a quote on my wall that says: some people walk in the rain, others just get wet--THAT'S THE FUCK IT! sophia home now! i'll keep you posted, God bless.
i have been blessed many times over in my life and i strongly believe that God guided my steps toward to each and every individual i've encountered throughout my 32 years on this earth. there have been many people that i've encountered that i wish i never did, and there have been many wonderful people that came into my life and gave me so much joy i can't even begin to tell you. as i have gotten older, i realized that there was a lesson to be learned in every one of those situations. i've learned a lot, because another lesson i learned the hard way was that if i wasn't paying attention to the lesson that was being taught...it constantly repeated itself time and time again, and would present itself in another individual every time it occurred. to tell you the truth, i think i got it now. should the same situation arise again to see if i can handle it like the grown ass man that i am, i'm confident i'll pass the test.
one thing i have loved from an early age and even more so now that i'm older are cartoons. i'm an avid cartoon watcher, and you'd be surprised as to what lessons a child and even an adult can learn while watching cartoons. this one cartoon i like to watch is 'Danny Phantom', it comes on the Nicktoons Network. i was watching a particular episode where the main character Danny Fenton (aka Danny Phantom) had become a super villian that wreaked havoc over the entire world in the future. there were these time traveling beings that witnessed the destruction he caused. so they went to a 'father time' figure and tried to get him to go back in time to prevent Danny from ever becoming 'Danny Phantom'. needlessly to say he didn't grant there request, instead he traveled back in the past and warned Danny of the event that was going to happen and sent him on the quest to stop it from happening. so, Danny along with his friends Tucker and Samantha travel back in time to stop the catastrophic event from taken place that put him on the path to become a super villian. i believe this was a special hour episode, and unfortunately through all of his efforts Danny could not stop the event from taken place. however, at the last minute the father time figure appears out of no where and rewinds time and stops the event from happening. this is where the lesson kicks in, after saving Danny, his family, and his friends the father time figure talks with him. he says to him that life is like a parade and that we (the individual) cannot see where the parade will go before coming to an end, but he (father time) has a perfect view from above and has the power and ability to see the parade from all sides and the many routes it can take before coming to an end. while this character was talking, i thought to myself...that's God! that's what the Lord does, he can see the many routes that are laid out for us and depending on the decisions we make during the course of the parade (our life) it will determine the direction the parade take before it comes to an end...and they say television is bad for you.
i for one, don't know the course my life may take--i just know that i have to see it through to the end. from dealing with the loss of my friend this past week, and not to mention the lives lost since the beginning of summer...it just reminds me, i'm still here. i have fought tooth and nail to make it this far, and i have worked damn hard not to let it all be in vain. like i stated in my last blog, God didn't create me and bring me this far just to leave me. i'm a blessed individual and i will continue to always walk with my head held high and just be light. i cannot let myself be weighed down by the bullshit that will pop up every now and again. one thing i've realized this summer is that life is too short and way too precious to let slip away. i honestly have a lot to make up for. i feel stupid for wasting all my time and energy constantly giving power to people and situations that don't warrant my attention at all. there is a quote on my wall that says: some people walk in the rain, others just get wet--THAT'S THE FUCK IT! sophia home now! i'll keep you posted, God bless.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
i believe i've finally made it home
right now, i'm sitting in my cubicle on a beautiful saturday afternoon at my job (yes, i work on the weekends) reflecting on this past week's events. to be perfectly honest, i've actually had a good week. there were brief moments of conflict, but it was nothing that would mess up a week's worth of good. i woke up this morning in such a good way...nice and cool. for the past two days here in New York it has been free of humidity and the air has been nice and cool. i'm not sweatin' up a storm before i even get dressed, but don't get it twisted though...i'll be happy when summer is over, i can't wait for the fall/winter months to come. when i created this blog i was very ambivalent as to what i would talk about and how many times a week i would update it, and if anyone would even read it. the few people that read my first entry actually like what i had to say and were surprised at how frank i was...as if i would hold back. one close friend was happy that i took the step, but wasn't too happy at how honest i was about a particular incident that i talked about. things are settled now, and yes i do feel bad that i put our friendship to the test that way--it won't happen again. my life has been a series of ups and downs with twists and turns that would make an amusement park rollercoaster green with envy. i have to admit and give thanks to the Lord above that along the way i was so blessed to come in contact with a number of beautiful people. there has been a lot of people that i've encountered throughout my time living in the NYC as well as on this planet that have taught me many things. i have learned how to be my geniune self and at the same time still strive to be an even better version of myself...still learning because i have a ways to go. at the beginning of the week i was watching an episode of "Made" on MTV. i barely even rarely watch MTV, i was just flipping through the channels that early afternoon and i just happen to turn to that channel. the episode was about a girl who wanted to made into a cheerleader (i know, shut up), anyway her made coach took her to a gymnastics center to train with a gymnast. to say they worked this girl out is a understatement, they straight up whipped her ass. then the gymnast said something that was so profound to the girl, "success is in the journey". i was like wow...that is so true! this whole summer as well as months and years leading up to that day i have been feeling like such a failure. i can't even begin to tell you how long i have carried that feeling of utter disappointment in myself around. i would wake up with it in the morning, carry it around all day everyday and go to bed with it at night...it wore my ass out. for so long my dream was to move to the NYC and make my dreams come true by becoming a successful actor, singer (not so much), clothing designer, and entrepreneur. and don't get me started with the amount of men i was going to have falling at my feet. when things didn't go exactly according to plan, i just wanted to crawl up in the fetal position and die because i felt like all that i was working for and how far i've come at an early age was all in vain...i strongly felt and still do at times that my living was in vain. for such a long time i couldn't understand why would God create me and bring me so far just to keep going through trail after trail after trail. i can honestly tell you, that i have been pushed down so many times and treated badly by so many people who considered me less than because i wasn't on the level they were, like i was totally beneath them and never could ascend to the heights of their success. in that respect i felt like i was a failure, because i wanted to prove them wrong so badly i could taste it. i wanted to be able to say "look at me", "look at the success that is me", "i'm a star bitch". oh, not to mention how i would wish bad things on them which proved to be petty and futile. i learned and by visual aids was shown that the whole time i wasting all that negative energy on them wishing for their social and economic demise they were actually becoming more successful...ain't that some shit! that pissed me off even more. then i realized that i had to move on and get myself and situation together, because at the end of the day i had to keep a roof over my head, food on the table, and clothes on my back. i have a qoute taped on the wall in my apartment that says "when one door closes another door opens, but we don't realize it because we're so focused on the one that has closed". for such a long time i was standing still afraid to make a move in any direction, because i already knew what was going to happen--after having gone through it numerous times i could almost exactly predict when it would happen, and i'll be damned if it didn't. it was this fear that crippled me, because it didn't just stop me from moving forward with me life...it totally paralyzed me. i've prayed so many times...i shouldn't say pray, the better word to use is beg. i was on my hands and knees begging God to improve my situation. when things didn't get better, i honestly felt he gave up on me. i came to this city with so much passion and drive for what i wanted to do and become, i felt it draining away. the things i loved doing, i started not to love anymore. all because of the people i came in contact with and the negative affect i let them have on me. then little things started happening for me...little to me; however, in all actuallity they were big things. big or small it didn't matter to me, all that mattered was that things started happening for me. i got a job working for a company that dressed models backstage at the fashion shows during fashion week. that lead to an internship with a fashion television show, which not only gave me the knowledge as to what really goes on into creating a show for broadcast. not only was i learning about television production from the ground up, but i was finally in the industry i wished for since i was a teenager. i loved every minute of it, until that too came to a screeching halt. to be honest, i didn't have time to mourn it. with the ending of that, the company i worked for backstage increased the amount of money i was being paid along with the number of shows i got to work...so i was still working fashion week and getting paid more money to do so. so, i didn't have time to dwell on the door that closed--i was too focused on the new door that was standing in front of me wide open for me to walk right on through and i didn't waste any time going through it. i've recently split with that company this past february after 12 seasons (6 years). when our relationship ended, i was not upset in the least...if i was upset, i was extremely disappointed in the way it went down. that's spilled milk now, and i have to do what i've always done...move on. next month the spring/summer shows take place and i don't know if i'll be working any of them, but i have faith that something will materialize and i'll be back. to sum it up, because i just realized i'm talking way too much and this blog is becoming too long. throughout my journey i've realized that i'm still here. i know that may sound a little plain, but when you really think about it...i'm still here. all of the people that have done me wrong and tried their best to do me in--it didn't work, because i'm still here. i'm still here. when i was frying up some pork chops or washing dishes (can't remember) the other day, i was thinking to myself that there is a reason i'm here and my life must have some sort of value. i went on to say to myself, "trees and their leaves, clouds, clothes, cars, roaches, spiders, and all the fish in the sea have a value and purpose for being here. i'm no different. all that i have been through thus far and have yet to still encounter--i made it through and i'm still here. i'm too cerebral at times and this was one of those times, because after i was finished i sat down and thought to myself that maybe this was how it was supposed to be all along. maybe i'm supposed to be that person that everyone knew way back when i was waiting tables, selling make-up at rickys, working the front desk at the david barton gym, being the coat check girl at king, getting busy in the back room at the cock...(just kidding, never happened). maybe i'm supposed to be that person, and if that is my role...then so be it. i'm gonna ride that til' the wheels fall off. nobody in this world is meant to live a tortured life or be a tortured soul for that matter. maybe this is path i have to take to get to where i need to be, because whether i'd like to admit it or not--i've learned so much along the way. i'm still naive about a few things, but i have to learn from those situations and keep moving forward. this summer has been an eye opener and one big "Aha" moment for me. in that respect, i believe i've finally made it home. before i go, i was watching the reunion special of Rupaul's Drag Race on demand (love her), and she said something that touched my heart. "you have to believe deep in your core that you're a star, and don't let anyone ever try to tell you or make you believe different. because, when you know who you are and what you are...they can never come for you, you'll be like...bring it bitch...". the only thing i have to say to that is..."Sophia home now, thangs gonna be changin' round here". until next time, i'll keep you posted and God Bless.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
will i ever be ready?
over the past few weeks, i've been thinking about my life and where i want it to go. i can't tell you but lately my money has been running out so fast on me. to tell you the truth i don't know how i do it from week to week, paycheck to paycheck. of course, i'm not the only one in the world going through this but it brings up the question...will i ever be ready for something big/life-changing (in a good way) to come my way? i moved to NYC back in 1997 to go to school and i just knew that it would change my life in every way i could imagine, and it did. over these past 12 years, i have done so much and seen just about everyone i've ever wanted to meet. i've been blessed in so many ways and yet i'm still struggling just to get by. over this past year i've been working on myself trying to improve my outlook on the life that i've been so blessed to have. i wouldn't say that i have been negative, but whenever something good came my way almost immediately or delayed something bad was following. this happened so many times to me i honestly thought i was cursed...i can't tell you how many times thoughts of suicide entered my head. they surface every now and again when i start to feel a little down about my situation. over this past summer i turned 32 years old, and i've never been in a relationship, i'm constantly broke (low on funds), and every time i seem to get slightly ahead i fall down. i read 'the secret' by robin byrne, 'the seven spiritual laws of success' by deepak chopra, and i'm currently in the middle of eckhart tolle's 'a new earth'. i didn't expect for my life or attitude to change over night, but i thought something major would've started to happen by now...i haven't given up hope, but i'll be lying if i told you that i wasn't close to just going to bed for the next three days. in all the books it's undisputable and the overwhelming theme is that the universe won't give you anything until you're ready for it...which prompted my question: "will i ever be ready for the God/universe to send a wonderful life-changing opportunity my way?" at the urging of a close friend of mine i went to a medium, clairvoyant, and seer a year ago who told me that things would be changing for me by the end of the 2008 year. when nothing happened and i mean nothing--i was pissed! and boy let me tell you, i damn near cursed his ass out...which he did not take to really well. to be perfectly honest, it was my fault. i was looking for a quick answer to all of my problems, and when i didn't get it...i lashed out. i don't know what tomorrow holds for me, but for now at least i learned that in this exact moment everything is as it should be. i wish for so many things, not only for myself but for those i love and care about deeply. will it ever happen...i don't know and couldn't begin to tell you. however, i'll keep you posted...
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